Summer isn’t over and I think maybe I will sum up my summer as well. But as I reflect on August, it’s been the month I have begun to see some clarity. Some clearing of the fog. It has been the continuation of transmuting darkness and heaviness into light and “light”. Such a slow process but, I guess I have much of this on back order.

It’s been the small intentional moves that have started a ripple effect in some areas of my life. I was so proud of myself last week when I sat down to write for 15 minutes on my latest novel. It is something I had not been able to do often because of life’s current circumstances. My mind, mood, and motivation hasn’t been there. So, it’s been sporadic or felt force. I have yet to paint this year. And that’s okay, too.

A little Mercury retrograde shadow got me last week. I said some things I should have kept to myself but, I had been staying quiet about quite a bit lately. Holding my tongue. Holding my peace. I said it. I could have said more. But once I realized just how delusional the individual is, I moved on and I moved them back to where they belong in my life. “A place for each person and each person in their place.” -Nicole Jackson (me). I gave myself grace because I almost began to beat myself up about not being able to control my mouth. Funny, as I have been teaching the book of James via dial in this month. It’s not your traditional Bible study. More like; “Here it is. What do you get from it? Does it confirm anything going on in your life? Can you see yourself in this?”

I am becoming more comfortable in letting other go their way. I realize it may make them happier to not force anything with me either. I realize they are the problem. So, I have to remind myself to protect my heart space and my peace of mind. It’s going to take to some getting used to adjusting. I am doing that. I had two encounters with the person last week. One was cold. The other was lukewarm. Well, it is what they created it to be.

I took some time to sort some baggage. You know, like putting people back where they belong in my life. Reorganizing and just keeping tidy my mental as I properly grieve another living human being and learning how to interact with them in this new way. I also had to clean up my mental space from negative self talk or familiar moods that tried to creep in. Last week, it was time for a heart to heart about where I am as opposed to where I thought I would be and how to process this revelation. What to do about it? How to adjust? What is it that I really want and what is it that I no longer care about.

One thing that has truly been a battle is feeling down and fearful about not being able to do as many craft fairs and festivals this year because I haven’t had time, haven’t felt creative much, to create inventory. I haven’t had the energy. It’s been overwhelm and stress the majority of my days. Mental battles. Physical distress. Why fearful? Fearful that I will not have enough money. Fearful there will not be a place for me next year. Fearful that people will forget about me. Calming the nervous system and resetting the nervous system has sustain me this much. Along with therapy, exercise, meditation, prayer, and journaling. Yes. Whatever it takes.

Dear September, I won’t ask you to be good to me. I won’t hope too much. I won’t expect too much. I will just be surprised as I continue to “accept” and adjust.

~Nikki