Anxiety. I Don’t Understand It Yet.

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I can’t tell the difference from my own ways of overanalyzing and anxiety. I start to wonder if they are connected. I am pretty sure they are. Last night was a hell of a night of overthinking, worry, concern, and you name it. The worst I have had in a long time. I still do not understand anxiety as it is new to me this year. It may sound crazy, but it frustrates me all the more that I don’t understand. I don’t like it. And if I dare to think about it, I have probably had it longer. I can identify the on start, and I have caught it and followed the plan to calm it down. But those times where it spirals out of control…like last night…is the worst. I could not stop it. I fell asleep off and on and each time I woke up it was back again.

About a month ago, a strange thing happened. I was suppose to go out on a date and the guy took forever to call. I was getting dressed and the next thing you know I started to feel anxious. I started to think about all the other times guys have let me down where we were suppose to do something and didn’t. I started to think about all of the times things didn’t work out and then I started to cry. I was shocked! What the hell was I crying about? I did not understand this at all. I felt, abandoned. And when I thought that, I thought about a very very bad relationship where this guy was always leaving me high and dry. And the many other times this has happened in relationships. And there…there was the trigger. But then came the shame. “I am Nicole. I am strong. I don’t care about these things. Right? I have been through so much and well, look at how tough I am. No one needs to know about this. Get yourself together. You can’t take that to therapy.” And I didn’t. But, I will have to this time.

I am fatigued. I am still fighting those thoughts this morning. I do not like myself right now. I wonder if I will ever be okay. If I will ever be understood. If I will ever be loveable. I don’t want to be bothered. I think what I want is to be understood about all of the things rattling around my head.

I am trying my damndest to be gentle with myself as I go through this, but it is very hard.

~Nikki

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10 Replies to “Anxiety. I Don’t Understand It Yet.”

  1. I’ve have anxiety for several years, and I unfortunately still don’t fully understand it. I call it both a curse and a blessing. Sometimes I think my overanalyzing and overplanning and coming up with make belief situations in my head is just preparing me for possible situations, but then I think…nooo those situations will probably never happen I’m just worrying myself for no reason because they never happen. My anxiety is mostly under control now, with the help of some (as needed) medication and lots of practice “training” my brain to think differently and what I like to call mental preparing myself. It’s not an easy thing to deal with, but once you start figuring out what triggers your anxiety and how to either avoid or rather instead mentally train your brain to deal with the emotion in a different way it gets easier. It’s a long road, but I’m sure you can do it!

    1. that is what I fear…a long road and I am just trying to be patient with myself…thank you for responding. I know I will get there but it is going to take some hard work

      1. It’s a long road, and there will be ups and downs, but in the end it will get easier, so yes be patient and forgiving with yourself

  2. You have my empathy, Nikki. I too suffer from anxiety. I think it is the hardest thing to understand. You are fine one second and then for no apparent reason, bam! Anxiety hits you like a ton of bricks. You are paralyzed, frozen in fear, crying for no reason, and shaken to the core. I went through three therapists who couldn’t give me an accurate explanation for why I was having panic attacks. Like you, I have abandonment issues and have made a lot of mistakes where dating is concerned. Always looking for my self-worth in someone else. Mindfulness helps me when I get overly anxious. The ability to focus on just one small thing usually calms me down, if I catch the anxiety before it overwhelms me. I have a list a mile-long of things that seem to trigger me. I wish you the best of luck in dealing with this. If you ever need someone to talk to, let me know. I hope you don’t mind, but I am going to reblog this so that others like you and I can read about your struggles. Much love and blessings!

    1. Hi Lori. Thank you for chiming in because all of this is very new to me…I think or at least I have a name for it. I do not mind you reblogging. We have to be brave and talk about these things honestly so we can get the help, words of encouragement we need to make it through. Sometimes, just the comfort in knowing you are not alone gives you some hope. I believe we are all trying and can learn form others who have been dealing with this longer. Thank you so much!

      1. You are so welcome, Nikki. I believe in helping others who deal with the same or similar issues that I do and yes, it does help to talk to others about it. You were very brave for writing your post and I hope that by reblogging it, you will get others to come and comment and help you with this. Keep fighting. It’s worth it 🙂

  3. Reblogged this on As the Fates Would Have It and commented:
    Like me, Nikki struggles with anxiety, the inability to understand why and how it happens. Please read her story here. If you too suffer from anxiety, perhaps you can give her some words of wisdom.
    Comments are disabled here, please visit Nikki’s blog to leave comments. Thanks

  4. “If I will ever be loveable…” Why is it so many of us ask that question? Where did we pick up the idea we’re not? The hardest part about feeling anxious is not being able to anticipate the triggers. Some I know so well, but then others will crop up and I think, where did THAT come from… It’s a process. Baby steps…

  5. Can I just say: Anxiety sucks! I have bipolar too and if my anxiety gets too high it will trigger a depression – oh fun. I’m trying to avoid anxiety and it is a learning process, to be sure. I’ve learned that I have to limit activities during the day. Anything outside my home can be over-stimulating. Too much stimulus can cause anxiety. However, for me stimulus can also come from over-thinking and, more than naught, catastrophizing. I’ve been forced to tears many times but also have realized that tears can be an outlet. If I’m anxious and don’t cry, it seems to build and build and build inside, making it way worse.

    Good for you for moving toward gentleness rather than judgment.

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