It seems as if everyone else is whizzing right past you as you “mosey” along or perhaps you are not moving at all. Maybe, you are stuck. Well, I have goals because I set goals. I have dreams and new dreams, new visions, things I want to see happen in the face of Rheumatoid Arthritis, Fibromyalgia and all of that other noise that seems to slow me down and sometimes get the best of me.
In the effort to lose weight, to achieve my other goals as well, it seems as if the well abled bodied people are just flying right past me. Soaring to their goals, and I, I am left behind in their dust. Me? I’m struggling to stay motivated. I can’t walk that fast, like I use to. I can’t use my hands very well today, I can’t stand as long as I use to, the fatigue…it’s what some call excuses, but it’s a reality for many of us. We are not who we use to be and oh if we would have known this was coming, we may have did the 5K or went back to school sooner.
Q: Dear God, Universe, Creator, Self, Spirit, how do I deal with all the feels of being left behind?
A: Take your eyes off others and put your eyes on me. Keep your eyes on “your” prize. Stop the comparison. It’s unfair and foolish to compare yourself with well abled bodied people and it’s unfair to compare yourself to the old self. You can’t be in the past and present at the same time. This is why you are not progressing as fast or at all.
So, with that revelation, I invite you to meditation and prayer. Center yourself during the times when you are “feeling” so much despair and disappointment. If I keep watching others I will fall. If I keep comparing myself to others, I will fail. If I keep living in the past, I can’t work in the present to prepare for my future. All eyes on the Creator. All eyes on the scriptures, affirmations, practices, that center your heart and mind.
Seek ye FIRST to understand AND THEN, to be understood. -Steven Covey
I had an awesome morning and just as awesome as my morning to mid day was, my evening fell apart emotionally and mentally. I missed all the big signs from the Universe, God, that led to a big blow up and verbal altercation. Immediately after words of war were exchanged, I knew I was not angry about what was happening at that moment I was angry about several things that had NOTHING to do with the current situation. I also knew intuitively, the other person was having a bad day. Needless to say, when I made it home I was fighting all sorts of emotions, curse words, and even threw my purse! (Whoa!). I don’t like to get upset because it takes me a long time to calm down. I am more upset at myself in situations like this because I pride myself of self control and then I realized…just now, as I type, that self control is a PRACTICE. Practice makes mature and you have less of these experiences, BUT you are not exempt from emotional outbursts. At least, I am not. I may never completely be able to never have a “moment”, as you see I am not striving for perfection or denial of any emotions. I am only striving to be the best me, not the perfect me. However, what happened today cannot happen again…EVER.
Here is an article that I wanted to share for those who are empaths or those who are interested in knowing what one is. I could relate to all but number 6. I just want to add this is probably one reason why it takes me so long to rid myself of the impact of negative energy or too many energies. I have to forgive myself for to day and let the energies of the day seep out like a deflating balloon.
There is this video (Steve Harvey: Women Don’t Know How to Pick A Man with a subtitle How to Know if You are the One) where Steve Harvey paints the brutal reality of the choices in men “some” (keyword today is “some” which means not all. And if not all is is you, then guess what? This article is not for you!) women make (have made or sometimes make) and how to know if you are the one. You can find the video on YouTube but I must warn you, he does curse and if you can’t get past that, don’t worry about watching it. I agree with everything he says about knowing if you are the one and about picking the wrong man. I will have to be honest and say I have picked the wrong guy in my life quite a few times. And I have remained with the wrong guy once I recognized he was the wrong one! I know women don’t like to admit this, but how are you ever going to to heal or help others if you can’t be honest with yourself?
In the video he says something my spiritual mom and many others have said, “A man can change, but he is only going to change for the one.” Well, here is something never addressed, how do we as women deal with realizing we are not “the one?” I mean after so many times of dating, in and out of relationships, you may start to feel many doubts and questions. Can we be honest? Great! Questions like: How many times can I NOT be the one? It makes me feel sad and hopeless that I have not found someone to spend my life with or to just be in a good relationship with. Is it me or is it him? It hurts to be in a relationship and realize you have made a mistake or the person turns out to be the complete opposite after you two are intimate or after being together for some time. ( I am just being REAL). What do you do when you discover you are not “the one” he is going to change for? You are not the one rejection letters seem to ALWAYS come to you. You may wonder “Will I ever find the one or be found?”
May I present to you the others side of YOU ARE NOT THE ONE. The other side of discovering you are not the one is:
- There is still someone out there for you. Keep going or take a break.
- He is not the one EITHER!
- You were smart enough to recognize you were not the one BEFORE you got into a relationship with the person
- You came to your senses after you got into a relationship and JUMPED SHIP to save yourself
- If you began to make a conscious choice to OBSERVE the behavior of a man (his consistency or inconsistency, his words and actions) you can quickly make better choices of how much of you to share and open up. You can also pull back your emotions at anytime. YES you can reign in your emotions! I should blog about that!
- If you slow down, you can not only LISTEN to your GUT/INTUITION/THE HOLY SPIRIT/YOUR OWN SPIRIT but you can ACTUALLY DO WHAT IT IS TELLING YOU TO DO OR NOT DO AND TAKE HEED TO THE WARNING. Practice in this area makes almost perfect. I say almost because you probably will override your good senses from time to time.
- Sometimes relationships don’t work out even after all of the vetting out you do. After all of the investigations, good vibes, prayer and the both of you commit to a relationship or marriage PEOPLE change. You cannot foresee that all the time. I know from experience. So cut yourself some slack if you “did everything right” and things with south. It is what it was.
Yes, we hear all the ways we are doing it wrong. But, what about how we feel once we leave the session or put the books down. How are we emotionally? And how honest can we be with others about how dating in this world makes us feel? Well, you can always be honest with me. I won’t judge you or put you down just because I have never “did” that or made that mistake. It’s rough out here for us single gals sometimes. We should be supportive.
I can’t tell the difference from my own ways of overanalyzing and anxiety. I start to wonder if they are connected. I am pretty sure they are. Last night was a hell of a night of overthinking, worry, concern, and you name it. The worst I have had in a long time. I still do not understand anxiety as it is new to me this year. It may sound crazy, but it frustrates me all the more that I don’t understand. I don’t like it. And if I dare to think about it, I have probably had it longer. I can identify the on start, and I have caught it and followed the plan to calm it down. But those times where it spirals out of control…like last night…is the worst. I could not stop it. I fell asleep off and on and each time I woke up it was back again.
About a month ago, a strange thing happened. I was suppose to go out on a date and the guy took forever to call. I was getting dressed and the next thing you know I started to feel anxious. I started to think about all the other times guys have let me down where we were suppose to do something and didn’t. I started to think about all of the times things didn’t work out and then I started to cry. I was shocked! What the hell was I crying about? I did not understand this at all. I felt, abandoned. And when I thought that, I thought about a very very bad relationship where this guy was always leaving me high and dry. And the many other times this has happened in relationships. And there…there was the trigger. But then came the shame. “I am Nicole. I am strong. I don’t care about these things. Right? I have been through so much and well, look at how tough I am. No one needs to know about this. Get yourself together. You can’t take that to therapy.” And I didn’t. But, I will have to this time.
I am fatigued. I am still fighting those thoughts this morning. I do not like myself right now. I wonder if I will ever be okay. If I will ever be understood. If I will ever be loveable. I don’t want to be bothered. I think what I want is to be understood about all of the things rattling around my head.
I am trying my damndest to be gentle with myself as I go through this, but it is very hard.