Unsteady: Depression and Anxiety

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From depression to PSTD (which is not just for soldiers), I think about how unsteady the mind and emotions can be. I think about how physical illnesses can create a certain unsteadiness in our lives. We are often trying to hold onto ourselves and others. We are often seeking someone to hold on to us during those times the winds start blowing in our lives and the oceans of our emotions start to rock and the wind of thoughts began to blow. It’s a scary state to be in.  A very fragile state.

You are trying to stay afloat. You are grasping for your tools to help you pull through. You hope you make it. Sometimes you do and sometimes you don’t. Sometimes you wish someone would simply hold onto you and give you the balance you need and at the same time you don’t want anyone around. (Side Note: If you are the person trying to hold onto the unsteady person, sometimes your presence, YOUR LISTENING EAR and your silence and your prayers ARE THE ANCHOR).

Last night I found myself overwhelmed with helplessness as I could not help a parent who is suffering from an illness only to come home and open up a letter of disappointment that sent me thinking about a decision I felt pressured to make. I opened another letter of a bill that was greater than I imagined and could afford. I then hopped on social media to find out about a horrific death of a doctor that saved my life in 2001. It was too much. The stress, the anxiety, the fear, the concern, the helplessness, the anger, was coming in relentlessly like pounding waves. I was between crying and throwing something. I needed to talk, but to who? I don’t trust people. People don’t understand. To God? Eh….not right now. I just don’t have words. I am grasping for something to pull me out or keep me afloat. And then the stress brought on physical pain. I read. I cried. I prayed. I cried. I listened to music. I cried. I went to bed. I woke up.

I think I just stayed afloat. I think it was the Creator and my angels…they love me enough to not let go. And I love myself enough to not let go of me.

~Nikki

 

From Breakdown to Build Up

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When I gave birth to my daughter, I suffered from post partum depression. Suddenly, my worst fears took over and I felt incompetent as a mother. I felt she would be better off without me because of the things that happened to me in the past. No one protected me and I couldn’t protect myself. I thought there is no way I could protect her. I had an irrational fear that the same things that happened to me would happen to her. I was on the verge of a serious breakdown. As a matter of fact, I was having a breakdown.

As I was getting the help I needed, the doctor asked me what is the one thing you gained from this ordeal, the one thing you feel about yourself? I thought for a second and out of my mouth came these words “I am stronger than I think.” She looked directly at me and said “Yes you are. You are stronger than you think.”

I have used those words throughout my life to get me through some serious tough times and some pitch black moments. I use those words often when I feel as though too much is happening and I am losing the battle. I use those words to push through. I also have realized I am smarter than I think. I am also braver than I think. When you say these things to yourself over a period of time, even at what appears to be the worst time, they take root in your core. And it’s as if the Creator or angels take hold of that anchor in your soul and help pull you through. I have learned if you just try a thing, learn a thing, you can do it. Especially if it’s your calling or your gifts and talents. I want you to know today…

You are stronger than you think or believe. You are smarter and you are braver. Look at all that you have survived and now it is time to thrive. You survive by living your best life, by walking in your destiny with confidence and becoming the beautiful being you were created to be. You are more than a conqueror. The build up is in what you tell yourself in the dark times to get you back to the light. The build up is in what you say and not what you feel at the time…you say it until you feel it and you recall the other times you pulled through to give you strength.

~Nikki

Mood: Strong

Sunday Morning Coffee Musings: Living with Emotional Scars

How do you do it? You’ve survived the incident, the accident, the situation, the divorce, the bad breakup, childhood trauma, but how do you live with the scars these things have left behind?

Some physical scars we look at on our body and we can tell you how we go that scar. It could have been simple as being a child and taking a tumble or as horrific as surviving abuse. We know these and many other things leave emotional scars that people can not see, yet often raises it’s ugly head in the way we react to things, do things, our thought process and maybe who we become. Physical scars can heal on their own most of the time or with some assistance and care from us or others. However, emotional scars are much more complex and are hidden deep within. And for some of us we have a lot of them and we also need some assistance in healing them.

I’ve been trying to recover from some deep emotional wounds through therapy. Yes, God has and is doing his part to help me heal but, “we” (God and I) thought I may need to seek one God has given the gift of counseling to, to help me wade through the deep murky swamp. Besides God and godly counsel, you yourself have to figure out ways to live with emotional scars.

I woke up to a bright and sunny quiet Sunday morning. I often feel that nature is an elixir for bad moods or a cloudy head. Nature helps you to sort out things. Watching the waves of the ocean or the flow of a river or the stillness of a lake. Nature raises your vibration and resonates with the energy on the inside of you.  Even gardening is healing or taking care of a plant is healing. In these things the Creator can speak to you and heal you.

Reading books on the subject matter you are dealing with. You gain tools, discover ideas, you realize someone else has been there, too and they not only survived they thrived to help you and others through their book. It’s powerful holding a book that helps you to understand you and helps move you through  the pain.

Prayer and Meditation can heal you. A practice of prayer and thanksgiving. The more gratitude you have for what you have the more your focus changes. The more thankful you are for the survival the more ways to heal will show up. The more you find ways to help others who went through what you went through the more healing you receive. Meditation can be music, it can be sitting with your legs crossed humming, it could be sitting on the couch with light flooding in from the outside, it can be a candle lit and you talking with your Creator. Meditation for me is always powerful. Meditation can even be a good night’s sleep which is how this came to me to put in a blog and publish to the world in an effort to help one person make it through the day. To reach one person and help them discover a way to heal their emotional scars and to live with love, joy, peace, and gratitude and most of all forgiveness. I am praying for us.

~Nikki

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Through therapy, if you need it, books, nature, prayer and meditation I heal. I am finding my authentic self through healing with therapy and the book Something More: Excavating Your Authentic Self by Sarah Breathnach. Here is a link to her book.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B002WAUVC8/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1

 

It’s Not You, It’s ME

 

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Dear You,

It’s not you, you have always been this negative, this mean, this intolerable, and this bitter. It’s me. I am changing. Your mean spirit doesn’t feel good to me and well quite frankly, I wish not to be around it if at all possible. At least, I would limit time in your presence…I know I just got here, but that’s about all I can take. Your smart mouth may be adorable to many or perhaps they put it up with it because they don’t want to lose you, but at this point I am willing to sacrifice it for my peace of mind. I know, you could always take little jabs at me and I would ignore you, but now, now I swing back and “How dare I?” but, hey it’s about time don’t you think? It’s not you. Nothing is wrong with you. It’s me. I am finally stepping into my TRUE NATURE. You know the one you deem as weak because it has all the “feels” (emotions) and the willingness to treat others as I would like to be treated. And I wonder, were you showing me how you like to be treated by treating me the way you did? (Or worse, were you telling me this how you were treated by others and this is your norm?) Were you telling me you wanted me to have a funky attitude with you, to talk crazy to you, to belittle you, to curse at you? Hmmm…trying to figure out how that would make you feel loved and cherished or respected. Well, anyways, I just wanted you to know that nothing is wrong with you, I am just opting to be honest with myself more about my surroundings and my circle. I am opting to make a conscious choice about where I want to go, how long I want to stay there, and how much I can deal with. Self love is self preservation and by God, I must have been hating myself. No wonder I felt uneasy in your presence. No wonder I was afraid to voice my opinion, thoughts, feelings without being jumped on, challenged to defend my-own-preferences? or berated. Whew…so yeah…It’s not you, it’s a brand new kind of me.

~Nikki

Hostile Work Environment

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Monday Work Force: One thing I know for sure, a hostile work environment is not something you are suppose to endure for a long period of time. It will make you stronger but, it can also harden your heart and make you bitter. It can disturb your health. It has to change (even if you have to be the positive change) or you have to move. I remember working at a very large and prestigious computer repair company and I had a manager who didn’t like me from day one because he said I thought I could do whatever I wanted to do. You see, he didn’t understand my favor. I told him “You will be moved before I will. Trust me. I have seen God move folks that didn’t like me that were trying to disturb my peace.” Sure enough he was moved. However, I have seen God move me from a hostile environment because it affected my health. I knew I had to go because my peace of mind was everything. And even on that job my coworkers and I endured some hostile people. We formed a circle and prayed and they were removed plus we were given the wisdom and strength to deal with it until they were removed. I don’t put up with hostile environments period on the job. I came to work, enjoy my coworkers, make money and go home. I certainly don’t put up with it at home. And if I have to be in one I get in there, do what I came/come to do and go home.

~Nikki