Of course I did the research on this proverb that Jesus quoted in the Bible “Physician, heal yourself” but, I want to take a different perspective on this proverb. What if we are all Physicians in this day an era when it comes to HEALING not only our bodies but, our minds, hearts, and souls? Meaning what if we have the knowledge, the information, the “wherewithal” (just wanted to say wherewithal because I have never used that word! LOL) to heal whatever ails us?
We KNOW making healthy choices and giving up bad habits can help heal our bodies. We know that meditation, a spiritual life and prayer can help heal our souls. We know that talking with a good therapist, wise friend or good leader can help us repair the mental anguish we suffer from. For all we know, all of these things combined can work miracles. We are miracles! Developing a listening ear for you body, your heart, your mind and taking heed…(please take heed) can make us better physicians to heal ourselves. Oh yeah, and a good physician knows that what works for her or him may not work for others.
I remember my parents telling me when I was in school “Your education comes first. You don’t have time for boys.” I can’t say I always listened to this instruction but, I can say it always came back to me. I tell my daughter to focus on her education while she is in school and eventually, college and not on boys. This is the time to figure out what makes you happy and what you enjoy. In other words, don’t make boys your priority. Impress yourself.
Well, as a woman, I want to tell you, I still don’t have time for boys. However, I do have time for men. I don’t have time for boys for different reasons other than education and trying to figure out what makes me happy and what I enjoy ( I was a late bloomer in that area and I am still figuring some things out). When you are mature in your emotions, when you are working towards achieving a more fulfilling life, be it socially, emotionally, physically, etc you don’t have time for boys. Boys will jerk your emotions around. Boys will destabilize your foundation. Boys will waste your time. Boys will play games. Boys don’t know what they want. They are still trying to figure out their role as a man. Sure they work. Sure some have financial goals but when it comes to relationships I find boys are still in it for selfish gain. I find men are in it for the satisfaction of themselves and their partner. I think you can be a man in many areas but a boy in other areas. I think the same about women. We can be a woman about our financial affairs but, a girl when it comes to what we allow in a relationship. What I mean by both of those statements is it comes down to growth and maturity. When you were a child, you acted like a child but when you became an adult, you should have or at least be aggressively working on putting away childish motives, attitudes, actions, fears and phobias.
Let me clarify this: I have time for men, who may be boys in an area but, are doing their best to grow in the area of love and relationships. However, I can’t allow the repeated abuse of my heart.
I don’t know about you but, when I was younger, I was so in love with love. I had no reservations about love and I am not talking about the fairy tale version. I am saying before the destructive behavior of others and some poor choices (you live and you learn! many times wisdom comes by experiences…good and bad), love was not tainted. It was not some murky substance but pure because of the Divine (and well really love still is pure but, people are not always).
Well, I still get this “lovey dovey” feeling if you will that I use to love having but, I have found myself being UNCOMFORTABLE with it over the years. It can be quite frightening sometimes. So this morning I was sipping my coffee and looking out the window when I said “Ugh, God, this lovey dovey mushy gushy feeling! Why me Lord?! Why do I get this feeling!!” ( I was very dramatic #OscarNominated). And there was no mistaken when I heard the voice of God or Morgan Freeman playing God say: “Don’t worry about getting that lovey dovey feeling. It means you still have HOPE in that type of LOVE. It means you still have “that” type of LOVE in your HEART. It means all of that pain hasn’t killed “that” type of LOVE. I put that LOVE in you. Now, when you resist that lovey dovey feeling it is you who will kill it. Only you can kill it. No one else and nothing else. It is the choice you make to bury it. Worry when you don’t feel it. When you are not moved by couples and wedding photos and wonderful marriages.”
I guess God told me! I sipped my coffee and changed my tone: “Oh my Dear Divine, I sure do thank you for this lovey dovey feeling! I am keeping HOPE ALIVE!” I am sure God smiled at me as I would smile at my silly child and shake my head. #DO OVER
On December 31st I had a dream in which I was shown I had access to all sorts of jewels. It was a hidden box of amazing pieces and stones. My first thoughts upon waking up were “Hidden Jewels”. I knew then “God, the Divine Creator of the Universe” was telling me that on the inside of me are jewels I didn’t know I had access to (or maybe forgotten because you know I believe I have been here before and perhaps they were collected in lifetimes…yeah I know I love me too). I went to the mailbox in the dream to get some mail and the person in the dream (a good friend of mines was dressed as the mailman) said “There is a box hidden in this box” and that is when I “opened” the hidden box and there were these amazingly unique jewels of all kinds and sizes. Some were loose pieces of gems and stones. Many others were fashioned into necklaces, earrings, and bracelets. It seemed as if I could never get to the bottom of this large long safe deposit box. It was long and deep.
So, I wanted to answer two questions for you. 1. How do I know if I have hidden jewels if no one tells me or I don’t have a dream or epiphany? 2. How do I access the hidden jewels?
I am telling you NOW that you have hidden jewels on the inside of you. So now you know! (Pass it on)
Open up. You access the hidden jewels by opening up to the possibilities and opportunities that come your way. You access the hidden jewels in meditation and prayer. You access the hidden jewels by staying connected to your Source and yourself (your heart). It’s that simple!!! It will come to you…sort of like a dream 🙂
So go forth, from here on out and “Be Jeweled”. Adorn yourself in your gifts and talents. It’s not showing off. Who puts on their jewelry and says “Oh…I hope no one notices my favorite necklace.” They are your gifts. Go forth and “Be Jeweled” with an open heart and mind as the keys to accessing all of your other hidden gifts and talents.
We could blame the way we are on our personalities saying “This is just the way I am or I have always been “that” way. If “that” way has gotten in the way of jobs and relationships maybe you should think about getting to the root of “that” way. WHY are you the way you are?
You could blame your parents, your childhood, your past experiences, and your illnesses. When it comes to some of our negative and damaging ways, it’s not so much about who’s fault it is as much as it is about who’s responsibility it is to change those ways. You are not a dog and you can be taught new tricks. Instead of assigning blame which gives us a way to justify our behavior or relieves of us of responsibility, I propose the idea of citing these things or people as sources. They are the root causes branching out into our thoughts, actions, and words. What are the “sources” of my behavior? What are the “sources” of my feelings and thought patterns?
It is a matter of will, choice,and work. Real work. A real look at the source but, the real WORK begins in the effort to change those thoughts which will change those feelings and replace those actions with new and improved actions. The work is NOT easy. Sometimes help has to come from a spiritual figure or professional help to assist you in the unravel of those tangled roots and put new tools in front of you. This overhaul is a long haul and can take years to improve. I’m still untangling roots!! I don’t want to keep producing spoiled and rotten fruits in my life. I want to cut the root that produces the bad fruit.
If you read any of the first two blogs about Zeal, you would know that I lost my zeal for church but, not for God or Spiritual things. If you know how to “eat the fish and spit out the bones” you can apply what I am about to tell you to ALMOST anything if you have lost your zeal for it.
Take a break. Taking some time off and retreat to a quiet place or turn you attention to other things. This can give your mind and emotions time to settle. I was throwing everything but the kitchen sink trying to figure out “why” or “what” was wrong. It was very exhausting mentally. Maybe go on a nature walk. Attend your nephew’s baseball games or do some activities with friends or your family. Sometimes you need to get out and in touch with nature and people (other than the people you are normally around). People can inspire you and nature can answer you.
(I am going to do this next time I am out on a nature walk)
2. Prayer and Meditation. Not on the why or what you can do but just simple prayer and meditation on whatever you are lead to pray about or meditate on.
3. Read. If you are a Christian, you may want to reconnect with your Bible and if you are not, you may want to reconnect with the book of your religion or pick up a positive book. This helps you to redirect your energy on your core beliefs or discover some new ones!
4. Do something different. Let’s say I was a baker and I lost my zeal for baking. Perhaps, I would travel to Italy and learn something new about baking Italian desserts. Maybe, I could refresh my skills or take a class at the local university. Perhaps, lending yourself to other charities and volunteering outside of the church would bring back the spark and allow you to reconnect.
5. Face the truth. Perhaps you have outgrown where you are or this phase of your gift. Maybe it is time to move on to something different. I would think of it as an adventure or a new phase in your life. Some people outgrow their church, outgrow their job, career or business. It just may be time to move on.
The Holidays can bring about depression and anxiety for single parents. I could say well, it’s not about the gifts but, what I should point out is it goes beyond the gifts as to why a single parent may experience some anxiety and depression.
A single parent may have struggled the entire year and the very thought of purchasing anything outside of the budget (or means) brings about a feeling of insufficiency. It may bring about thoughts of “If only there were two parents” and truth be told I have seen everything from a single parent sacrificing to get things (for Holidays and Birthdays) and then find themselves behind on bills, in a viscous cycle of debt to becoming extremely moody and bitter and the children begin to associate this time of the year with lack, shortage and insufficiency in the material sense. And as adults they let you know this is how they feel about the holidays and birthdays. Holidays and birthdays stunk as children therefore, they stink as adults.
When you are spending money to fill a void of not feeling like “the parent” it’s not about the children. It’s about YOU not feeling like you are enough as a parent. It may be competition with the other parent to show you can do as much as they can without them. And the truth is, I have seen single fathers on child support struggle financially and whether they admit it or not, they also become depressed or bitter during this time of the year because they too have to find extra money to buy things for their child/children. They too go into further debt during the holidays or birthdays. So there are many sides to a story.
Listen, single parents (fathers and mothers), you need to know your parenthood success is not built on gifts of the material things but are built on the gifts of love and time. It is built on the gifts of pouring into your children principals, values, morals that will last a lifetime while those toys and clothes will be a thing of the past in a week.
If you are not in the mood for the Holidays or Birthdays because of what you can’t buy then you are missing the entire point of these days. Re-evaluate the reason for the season and what it means to be thankful your child saw another birthday.
Keeping gifts and celebrations within reason creates children that are grateful when you provide extra and grateful when there is little or none because they know you love them and care for them and that is ALL that matters.
In a relationship, if I give you my time and heart then that is the “much that has be given”. You are absolutely right much will be required from you. Time is precious. You cannot get time back. My heart is priceless so if I give that I expect much in return.
First, let me say I don’t generally use the term “baby mama” but here I used it to grab the attention of readers. This one is dedicated to the single fathers, divorced single fathers or however you became a single father is none of my business and this is a judgement free zone.
If you want to instantly decrease the drama of the child/children’s mother here is part one. Brace yourself:
Stop sleeping with her. You are keeping a connection physically for you but, emotionally for her. If you are sleeping with her to see your kids or out of convenience I challenge you to grow up and find a better way to see your children such as petitioning the courts to get proper visitation rights and not giving up or giving excuses. If you are sleeping with her to keep her from sleeping with another man, I suggest you get over her and focus on your children.
Stop leading her on. Maybe we will get back together next year, in the future, in out of space. Your leading her on is an indication you are still tied to her. I thought you said you were over her? Not.
Stop parading a slew of women in her face. Why are you doing this anyway? Is that not petty? Another indication you are trying to hurt her for hurting you. It’s called spite. If you have a new woman say so or don’t say so. If you are now married then establish the line and make it all about your children.
Put your child or children first but, let her know you are not the babysitter you are the father who does not mind watching your child/children on the days you are not scheduled. She doesn’t get to interrupt your plans for her plans every weekend so she can hit the club or the Quan ( a new dance craze). The moment you say no she has a problem but the moment you need to rearrange it’s a problem. Tell her if you have to be flexible then so does she and mean it. Either it’s going to be rigid or flexible with both parents.
Digest this and Part 2 will come later. My book Healing the Single Mother is available on amazon.com