Sunday Morning Coffee Musings: A MODE of Silence

This morning I planned to visit a church of a friend in ministry. When I got up this morning, and well, last night, I had that feeling of no desire to go. I went back and forth but ultimately I decided not to go. I also decided to sit with the uncomfortable, and conflicting feelings I had. What is it that I am feeling and why? What is the core feeling? Is it laziness? Is it burn out? Is it “the devil”? Who and what do I blame for my feeling?

I had the TV on looking for my CBS Sunday Morning show but it had been bumped my news of an attempted assassination. I turned to hear some handpan music until online service was available but I ended up turning it off. I thought to myself, let me meditate and try to sort my thoughts and feelings. Let me hear from self, God or Spirit. For 12 minutes I did such and here is what I sorted.

It’s not laziness. It’s burn out. It’s the reason I am on sabbatical now. I am not on the verge of burn out. I am burning out. It’s mostly my fault. It’s how I have dealt with things spiritually. I have pushed and pressed. I have rationalized and used logic. I have been torn and still operating. I have been grieving and still doing. I have been loading and unloading, recycling and rehashing emotions. I have made some progress but not as nearly as much as I could have. I gain clarity and jump back into the mud. Yet, I understand I am right where I need to be for change. I may have also been sipping, instead of previously gulping, “mara” (bitter water). I have sweetened it with things like, honor, legacy, out of respect for God, and don’t let the enemy win type of reasoning. And yet, it always goes back to sour and bitter after some time.

The WORD that came to me was: 28 “Come to Me, all who are weary and heavily burdened [by religious rituals that provide no peace], and I will give you rest [refreshing your souls with salvation]. 29Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me [following Me as My disciple], for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest (renewal, blessed quiet) for your souls. [Jer 6:16] 30For My yoke is easy [to bear] and My burden is light.” -Matthew 11

I am burdened by religious rituals that provide no peace. Some I place on myself and others out of guilt. And boy, does my soul need refreshed. I think my soul is dehydrated. I asked myself this morning, “Can my dry soul be revived? Is it too late?” I wrote in my notebook HELP! I read verse 29 and thought to myself, “None of this seems easy to bear that I am going through.” I will have to explore this later.

As I finished meditation and writing, I wanted to turn on the TV to watch an online service but, I felt like I wanted to be in silence some more. It was one of my favorite speakers today. However, I went with the prompting in my spirit to be silent and listen to nothing until 12 noon today and to be quiet until 12 noon. So, here I am in a MODE of SILENCE.

~Nikki