RA BLOG:Hoping to Look Back and Forget

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This is fresh off the press this Saturday evening as I am trying my best to wind down from disturbing news I received in my mailbox. Let’s start with this week has been pretty exhausting. A rollercoaster with more lows than highs and all that has been running through mind is “Please, God, let me off of this thing.” No such luck.

My daughter’s 16th birthday is coming up and I have been stressing over how to make it special for the past few weeks. I am going through the disability process in Tennessee and I have been for the last two years and two months. Before I was diagnosed with RA (diagnosed with JRA as a child), I was a working single parent. I promised my daughter to take her to California when she turned 16 as it’s somewhere she had always wanted to go. Well, we know that is not possible during this time. So, we planned to go somewhere closer and with the help of my brother to drive. I can’t tell you the amount of stress, struggle and strain it has been to gather finances from all over the place. To beg and borrow it seems to make this happen. I received terrible news from the school that my daughter had been placed in Algebra II instead of Algebra I and they are just now discovering this! She’s in a honors program. No wonder my poor child had been struggling! And I had been so hard on her. I was livid! Today, I opened up the mailbox to find she would not be allowed to continue in the program because of her GPA. I was outdone. She will have to take summer school class for Algebra I because she must have it. But, how unfair for them as Algebra II is the main cause of her GPA drop. I sent an email to the principal and hope they can see their error and what it has cost my daughter.

Today, I feel my depression in the shadows. I have done the best to keep it at bay. I cannot tell her this right now as she is so happy about taking a trip in a week or so for spring break to celebrate her 16th birthday. She will be crushed and I do not want her spirits crushed. My daughter is very smart and bright. And today…with RA, financial stress, and worried about my daughter’s future, checking the mailbox daily waiting on a word for a day in court about my case, it all just seems to be weighing on me. It’s a bit too much and I just hope someday I can look back and forget the last two years of this hell.

~Nikki

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Author: Nikki

A modern day Renaissance Woman. A Creative and Spiritual Being. Author of Fiction and Non-fiction. Writer. Fashion. Art. Music. Food. History. Travel. A bit of a philosopher I am told. Dreamer. Entrepreneur.

4 thoughts on “RA BLOG:Hoping to Look Back and Forget”

  1. Nikki, my heart and prayers go out to you. It sounds like a very tough time right now, and I so appreciate your honesty and candor in sharing. It’s clear you’re a terrific mom who loves her daughter. Trust that she already knows and feels that love of yours in all its forms. Hugs!

  2. Mikki, the best thing I have learned as a person who suffers from depression is that this will pass. It always does and it always will. I hope you have a great week with your daughter.

    My mantra: this will pass it always has and it always will.

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