Good morning! I have been away on vacation and decided to immerse myself into the present of that vacation. I will share later. It’s Christmas Eve and I hope all is well with you. I hope you are feeling festive and if you are Christian I hope you remember the reason for the season. It’s easy to get caught up in the “activities” and gift giving and receiving of the holiday season. I know. I have been there and done that. I have faced seasons where I wasn’t quite in the Christmas spirit. I do know it’s about Christ but that is not what I am talking about.

There is a feeling I am accustomed to during the holidays and I haven’t been able to feel it continuously. It may come here and there but, it’s sparse. I don’t feel the excitement. I don’t feel the joy and the love. I don’t feel sociable either. I am sure it is due to the very rough season in my life and grief. But somehow, it seemed I could put those things to the side and still immerse in the feeling of Christmas. It is one of my favorite holidays. I have decorated in spite of not feeling like decorating and that usually helps. It hasn’t really helped. I have watched Christmasy things and movies and for the moment, I am there. Then it fades. I don’t feel inspired to bake or create or host anything. I do know this is not just my regular year of hardship or hard times. Maybe it’s the energy of the country I live in as it’s the worst in my existence. And add that on top dealing with things I have never dealt with before. I have never been this “way” or been down this path in my life before.

I believe my Christmas spirit is buried underneath the rubble of life. So, what do I do? I have tried many things. I think I will sit in gratitude that I am alive. I am well. I have a home. I have family. I have the basic needs and more. I have my faith. I have coffee (ha!). I am okay. Yes. Just be grateful for what I do have and grateful that I am not experiencing any more tragedy than I have already dealt with these few years. I am grateful that God is holding me together when I feel like coming apart and has sewn me, put me back together, when I have shattered many times these past few years.

~Nikki