Everyone does not grow up in the same environment, with the same parents or parent, with the same siblings, culture, religion, lifestyle, and family as you do. NO ONE. Not even the people you lived with or live with. If I could drill this into people’s mind, I would. You’re baffled? Why? Why would you think everyone had the same experiences and life as you did? It seems rather small minded to think so.

With all of that being said, let’s stop telling people HOW they should feel about the people that may have caused them pain, suffering, harm, and damage. Even if you experienced something similar, YOU ARE NOT THEM. It’s one thing to share your victory but, please tell them your wars and show them your scars. Give them the grit and the low points if you are going to tell the story. In fact, offer empathy and an ear instead of your story. Did they even ask? Did you ask if they wanted to hear your story or if they just needed an ear?

Instead of telling them HOW they should feel, be more concerned about how they can heal. IF they are ready or open to healing. And even if they heal from their past, even if they forgive, they DO NOT have to have a relationship with that person. You may have had an amazing aunt that raised you. They may have had a horrible aunt that did not want to have the burden of raising them and let them know it everyday of their lives. You don’t get to tell them things like, “Well, you should be grateful you had a roof over your head, food to eat and clothes. She did the best she could.” Making victims feel guilty is low. Minimizing abuse, neglect, in ANY form is low. It’s like saying, thanks for providing the necessities of life for me. It’s okay that you beat me, berated me daily, and let me know regularly you hated my dad and having to be the responsible adult. All is well.

No. All isn’t well. I don’t know why we put authority figures on high pedestals, almost above God in Christianity and society, as if pedestals don’t topple. Some pedestals crumble. Being the seed provider and the womb bearer is amazing unless it’s not. And for some, it’s not. Respecting someone based on the ideology that if it wasn’t for them, you wouldn’t be here is wild. If it wasn’t for God, per my religion, I wouldn’t be here. There is a scripture that says children honor your mother and father. BUT there is also a scripture that says, parents provoke not your children to wrath. Some children have been provoked to wrath, sorrow, depression, anxiety, and suicide etc. because of these “parents” or adult figures. And some children have grown up and had to heal from their childhood.

Yes, sometimes they can forgive and sometimes the parent or parents change and everyone gets to a peaceful, lovely, wonderful place. And for some the drama, the hell, the damage continues into adulthood and reaches the grandchildren. Honor is different for each of us. Honor for some is enduring poor behavior. Honor for some is distance. We aren’t talking minor grievances or imperfections. Some people can forgive abuse and some cannot. We are not the judge. We are not the ones to rebuke or jump on our high horse and ride them into the ground or spill a religious rant and beat them down with guilt. We are to MOVE WITH LOVE. I could be wrong but none of that feels or looks like love to me. Haven’t they already been guilted and manipulated enough? Haven’t they had to push down their feelings, emotions, trauma enough? Haven’t they had to shut up about it, enough? Or maybe they have been dishing their pain to others just like the adults in their lives.

~Nikki