Tag: Parenting

Sunday Morning Coffee Musings: Parenting Young Adults Coming Home for Summer Break

FROM MY SPIRIT, Sunday Morning Coffee Musings

I’m not sure how to tell you this but, your young adult is now a young adult. They have been off to college doing whatever they wanted to. Going to bed when they get ready, eating what they want, hanging out with friends, and making decisions about their wellbeing, relationships, and life. You, too, have been relieved of some of your duty to parenting them by not making these decisions for them. It seems to me they have done okay as they are returning to you alive and perhaps well. “Well” is up for discussion because going to college produces stress and mental health issues so many parents are unaware of but that’s another topic to explore.

As they return home, to your home, their home, they may need some help adjusting and you, too. Brace yourself, they have friends they want to see, places they want to go, and things they want to do that do not involve you. This may make you feel left out and unwanted. This is the moment you may need to remember; those feelings are valid but they are not facts about how your young adult feels about you.

I have learned not to plan out my daughter’s schedule and not to hog all of her time. Keyword, learned. I didn’t think about or take into consideration the things I mentioned above. Also, they may want to lay around the house and that’s okay. College life has been hectic. I usually give my daughter two weeks to just chill and semi-chill. The first week I don’t require anything. The second week she has to begin helping with dishes, cleaning and meals. I don’t tell her when to do her laundry or if she should fold it or not. She’s been doing laundry at school. HER WAY. I don’t tell her to eat. I only ask that we eat dinner together if she doesn’t have plans to be out because that’s been a staple in our family.

She doesn’t have to check with me for permission to make plans with her friends. I only require to know where she is going and that she comes home no later than 2 a.m. Yes. 2 a.m. and she’s usually back before then. She checks in or I check in on her from time to time while she is out. She texts to let me know she is on the way home. This is something we both came to an understanding on. I think it’s important to tell your children, sincerely, why you want to know where they are and who they are with. It’s okay to tell them you care and worry about their safety and it eases your mind to know they are okay. I had to explain I am not coming where you are or I’m not trying to monitor your every move but, if you need me or something happens, I will have a general idea of where you were. What if I didn’t let you know I was going to a particular mall and you haven’t heard from me in 3 hours? Honestly, wouldn’t you call me? Of course, she would. I am pretty sure she goes places in between. We all do it at times.

I ask for us to spend some time together. Well, I had to do this in the beginning and now it’s just expected. I throw out some ideas or events in the city we could attend together or just a movie or binge night. We get our laptops and game (Yes, I do some gaming) or surf social media. We snack and just vibe. She usually outlasts me staying up. Also, I let her know ahead of time what family events are happening and she usually knows which ones are negotiable.

We talk about moods and attitudes. I have them. You have them. They have them. If I don’t want to be bothered, if I have something on my mind, if I am dealing with anxiety or depression, I say so. If I don’t know what I’m feeling, I say that, too. We have learned to ask, “Would you like to talk about it? Do you need me to just listen or give advice? Is there anything I can do for you?” Now, I don’t advise talking about certain things with your young adult. They have their own burdens but using wisdom to let them in on some things is okay. I think it lets them know that you’re human and not just a parent lol. My daughter has actually given some great advice and peptalks.

This summer, I am trying something new. I wanted to set an intention or a tone to the summer. What is it that I want from the summer and what is it I want to give? I asked her to think about the same thing. So often we have different ideas on what we want our summer or vacation or time off to be about (when we have days off not for appointments or illness). Do you want it to be filled with activities? Do you want to have some activities or a few major activities? Do you want to lounge around? Travel extensively or not at all? What’s the tone or mood for this summer? We asked her to get some rest this summer as next semester is her last before graduation. She’s been working on campus and during the summer at home. She plans to work less. I encourage her to enjoy time with her friends and family more this summer.

All of this really takes a mindset change and if you have young children, it is pertinent you develop a deeper relationship with your child other than I am your authority figure, your protector and provider. Get to know your child. Your ever-changing child. Share some life lessons that come not at a time of frustration or in the form of a teaching moment once they have done something wrong. Listen to thier ideas and don’t be so quick to correct, shoot them down, or judge. I told my daughter she could tell me anything. She could call me about anything. If she needed a ride home from a party I would come and get her and her friends without yelling and fussing. I would indeed have a talk the next day. So far, I haven’t had to pick her up from a party but she does call about anything and I have to refrain from judging or seeing her as me. She is not me.

~Nikki

The Love Experience: Is it Love or Lust?

FROM MY SPIRIT, Uncategorized
Photo by Abhinav Goswami on Pexels.com

Especially in the early stages of a relationship, it can be difficult to tell the difference between love and lust. Both are associated with physical attraction and an intoxicating rush of feel-good chemicals, coupled with an often-overwhelming desire to be closer to another person, but only one is long-lasting: love.

Love is something that is cultivated between two people and grows over time, through getting to know him or her and experiencing life’s many ups and downs together. It involves commitment, time, mutual trust, and acceptance.

Lust, on the other hand, has to do with the sex-driven sensations that draw people toward one another initially and is fueled primarily by the urge to procreate. Characterized by sex hormones and idealistic infatuation, lust blurs our ability to see a person for who he or she truly is, and consequently, it may or may not lead to a long-term relationship. – Good Therapy https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychpedia/love

I wholeheartedly agree with this article. It also mentions that some people believe it’s a mix of both in order to sustain the relationship. I think that is true and the key word is a mix and not a balance. I think you need more love to sustain a relationship and added to that love is lust or physical attraction. However, relying on the lust to be thought of as sex only will eventually fail you. Why? We all age. We won’t have the same bodies we had at 20. Things change. Some people have families and they are working and raising children. Illnesses may happen and that can get in the way of the frequency of what once was.

So, if you build it or accept it as, let’s say 70% lust and 30% love you’ll find out years later you’re missing something. However, the signs probably were already there. Being in a space where a person values the physical connection more than they value you creates a space of confusion. They love you and care about you but not as deeply as you desire.

What sayeth ye? Do you have a different perspective from the article or do you agree?

~Nikki

How Long Does Healing Take? Inner Work

FROM MY SPIRIT, Relationship Energy, Woman Power Up

There will be many things going on this year but, I believe people will begin to work on themselves whether it’s personal development or healing. It may be deepening or returning to their spiritual practice, buying self-help books or taking courses to help improve their life on many levels. Last year I discovered that I had more healing to do and I was ready to get on with it for good. I meant; I was ready to heal completely in this area. I do recall asking God how much more healing and letting go does one need to do?! How long will this take?!!! Ugh! I thought I was done. I’ve been talking about it and dealing with it for a very long time. Well, as I am reading a daily devotional (a book that is pretty deep spiritually so I take it chapter by chapter and sometimes, passage by passage), I think I might have gotten an answer to a question I asked in June 2022.

First, let me talk about the clue I received. Each year I am spiritually led to read certain books. Sometimes it happens all at once and sometimes it happens here and there. Well, I was watching a YouTube episode of Bishop Sarah Jakes Roberts and her mom have a casual conversation over the holidays. She mentioned the book in the video and discovered her mom had read the book also. When I heard the title, I knew I needed the book. This was my first clue that healing was about to take place.

This is what I read this morning:

“Healing is a process of restoration. It is the revealing of the underlying state of perfection and wholeness that always exists, despite injury or disturbance. Beyond all your hurts and pains, be they emotional, physical, or otherwise, is your innate spiritual pattern, which proclaims its independence and simply awaits opportunities to express itself to its fullest. Healing is a journey, not an event. Along the journey there is much to be discovered and discerned about yourself.”

“You ask, “How much healing is there to be done? How long will it take?” These are questions not for me to answer but for you to answer. How long do you want it to take? How much healing are you willing to do? How deep will you go? How much will you reveal? How often will you come to be in surrender? The answers to these questions depend on you. You are creating your own tests. You are creating your won obstacle courses. The mazes through which you wander, the hoops through which you jump, are all configurations of your own thinking. You too often misunderstand, and therefore underestimate the power of your creative abilities. You must become more consciously aware that you are simply manifesting anything and everything you think about, even subliminally.”

-The Sacred Yes by Rev. Deborah L. Johnson

~Nikki

My Top 12 Lessons of 2022 Lesson #4 “Parenting Ain’t Easy but, Somebody’s Gotta Do It”

Uncategorized
Photo by Nikki’s Confetti Life 2022

You’d be surprised how many parents are trying to parent a 12-year-old as if they were parenting a 3-year-old. It’s because we get stuck thinking in the traditional role of parenting. We parent as our parents parented without questioning what worked and what didn’t work. It’s because we get stuck in cultural parenting. We do not explore or welcome any new information. We also don’t listen to our intuition, spirit, or Holy Spirit. We don’t take sound advice. Most parents are just now realizing that no two or three children are the same and you have to parent them in different ways at different times. Yep. Parenting is hard.

I now have a young adult. This year I discovered I needed to step into my new role which comes with many hats. Those hats are Guide, Confidant, Spiritual Teacher, Supporter, Friend with Boundaries like Doctors with Borders 😀 and yet I am still MOM.

I also learned from my dad, “Okay. I am praying for you.” If you are a parent, check this one out https://nikkisconfettilife.com/2022/11/06/sunday-morning-coffee-musings-okay-im-praying-for-you/ It is wisdom you can take with you.

This leg of parenting was part of my evolution. It took some HUGE adjustments like letting go of control. Yes. We want to control our children out of fear and out of wanting the best for them. We want to protect them from everything. With all of the control in the world, our parents could not shield us from failure, mistakes, heartaches, and heartbreaks. They could not keep us from the ugliness of prejudice and racism. They could not keep us from finding out some things the hard way. It is scary. It is tough. It can be rough parenting and navigating the unknown. We still have the “unknown” in our own lives. The unknown of what the future holds. This is why we must stay in the NOW as parents as much as possible. We shape and mold in a different way at different stages of their lives and I am certain that after all of this “young adult stuff” is over with it will be up to her, God, and life to continue to shape and mold with me adding my two million (as oppose to two cents) of bought lessons and wisdoms.

~Nikki

Sunday Morning Coffee Musings: “Okay. I’m Praying for You.”

FROM MY SPIRIT, Sunday Morning Coffee Musings

When I was a young adult, in my 20’s, I am sure I thought I knew everything or at least enough to make my own decisions. My dad is not one to get in your business. He’s not one to insert himself into his children’s affairs often. But when he does, we listen. We may not follow the advice or heed the warnings because well, we were in our 20’s.

At times we would go back and forth about a thing and my dad would say, “Okay. I’m praying for you.” It took me until now, at age 47, to realize that at a certain point in conversation with a child that thinks they know what they are doing or refuses to heed your warning, you have said all you can say. There was never a shouting match with my dad. When he saw he wasn’t getting through or he had said all he needed to say, “Okay. I am praying for you” would end the conversation. After you’ve said all you can say, beaten a dead horse maybe, there is nothing else to say. All you can do is pray for the child.

I was having a conversation with my young adult and I felt like I was trying to drive in a point to no avail. I found myself repeating the same thing and getting frustrated. Then suddenly, I realized I had said enough and she wasn’t going to change her mind even if she was listening. I stopped and said, “Okay. I am praying for you.” At that moment I realized, I am now my dad and she is me.

~Nikki

Parenting with Anxiety and Depression

FROM MY SPIRIT

Let’s state the obvious: Parenting is difficult! Now let me state the other obvious: Parenting with anxiety and depression is an added challenge! It is difficult. When a parent has mental health challenges or a mental illness (these are two different things) it can create a stressful environment for the child. It can also lead to mental health issues for the child as they grow into adulthood. They can develop their own emotional and behavioral problems.

I have been well aware of my emotional issues and my mental health (anxiety and depression) before I had a proper diagnosis. I recall reading books and reading articles about childhood trauma and parents having mental illnesses before I became a parent. I recall movies with parents that were abusive or ill. Somehow, I say through God and some emotional intelligence, I knew that I had to separate my feelings from my words and actions. But, just like every parent, at times I failed. Deep breath in. Deep breath out.

Parenting through my depression when my daughter was younger was extremely challenging. She had to get to school no matter how I felt. She had to be bathed and dressed. I had to help with homework. I had to smile and be playful when I did not want to because of depression. I had to cook or I had to get up and go get something. Sometimes, we ate unhealthily a few days straight as a result because fast food was the solution and it was what was convenient near me. Overall, I cooked healthy meals (and I still do) so I don’t blame myself for the times my depression was so bad I made choices I wouldn’t normally make. For me, parenting through depression was more challenging during those elementary and middle school years. It got easier as she got older because I was able to explain to her what was going on with mommy. She was able to do much more for herself and for me. Yes. I needed help and I need help sometimes. However, this is not a responsibility I placed on my child. Moreso, mom needs help at times fixing meals or with the laundry or maybe she locks up the house at the end of the day instead of me. Perhaps, it was my turn to wash the dishes but, she gets them. I was careful not to “burden” my child. I also returned the favor in times when she too was going through things or playing sports and overloaded with homework. We were a team and when she is home from college, we are still a team.

I would say anxiety became a challenge with parenting when she reached an age, she could make her own choices that would have positive or negative consequences or impacts. The teenage years and now young adulthood. My anxiety has been through the roof at times with a side of depression here and there. It’s regular parenting concerns and woes with an exponent. The exponent could literally be from 2-20 depending on what is going on.

The team is changing again into this young adult game and I must say I am feeling all of the normal parenting stressors on top of my own mental health issues. As I continue to research and seek therapy, I know somehow, I will find my footing once again in this new phase of parenting. So far, the things I rely on are:

  1. Professional help such as therapy.
  2. I rely on my faith.
  3. I try to stay healthy in all areas of my life because this helps your mental and emotional “wits”. I mean if you are diabetic and your sugar level is too high or low it’s going to affect how you interact with anyone including your child.
  4. I research tips and read as much as I can about parenting at different phases.
  5. I ask for help and advice from proper (wise counsel, godly and spiritual source) people. I may ask my dad what does he thinks about the situation. I may seek out other people who have a parenting style like mine who’s gone through or going through the same phase. If you are going to do this, make sure you can trust the person.
  6. Vent. Journal it out. Woosah.
  7. Find joy in the little things and create more memorable moments with my child.
  8. Forgive myself over and over and make attempts to do better.

If you have mental health challenges or mental illnesses, it is important to understand how it affects parenting your children. It will help you to make the necessary changes and develop skills to get you through the already rough patches of parenting.

Rarely are their perfect parents. Most of our parents were not perfect and neither were/are we.

~Nikki

Sunday Morning Coffee Musings: 2022 and Relationships

FROM MY SPIRIT, Sunday Morning Coffee Musings, Uncategorized

2022 comes with UNCONDITIONAL LOVE and Repairing or Strengthening Relationships. Relationships of all kinds will play a vital role this year in your life. Pay attention to the lessons you learn. Some will shape you, push you forward, and change you for the better (no matter what it may seem like at the time). Just don’t let anything distract you from your dreams and goals this year. It may have been all about you the past few years but, this year it’s about you and others. Play well with others. Disconnect from some and love at a distance and “with the love of the Lord” with others.

Make people feel loved and appreciated. Encourage as many people as you can. Show up when you can. Make phone calls. Send a thank you text with some detail (Thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule to xyz). Let it be known that you value your employees, friends, family, coworkers, strangers. “I appreciate everything that you do for me. I am so glad to have you as my cousin.” Lend a hand and donate to charity. Cook a meal for someone. Send flowers or fresh fruit. (ACTION).

Oh…family dynamics. You must deal with it. Once and for all and get on with it. If they want to hold on to it let them. You let go and remember, love from a distance if need be. Move around it. On the flip, strengthen those family bonds that you do have. Quality time with loved ones and friends are in order.

You may think this one is a no brainer when it comes to your child or children but, put down the phone or tablet and LOOK at your children’s faces when they are talking to you and when you are talking to them. Maybe the pandemic has made being glued to screens worse. I don’t know but, I do know it is important to LOOK into the eyes of the ones you love, especially your children and give them your undivided attention. They need to be seen and heard. Especially, with the instability of navigating our world.

You will meet NEW PEOPLE IF you want to that can have an interest in what you are doing or that may have connections for you. This is why I say once again, pay attention to the people that cross your path. But also pay attention to the classes or opportunities that come your way this year. Maybe there is someone at that event or in that class you can make a meaningful connection with. Yes, these events can be online as well. God works in mysterious ZOOM ways, too. I’d highly recommend being INTENTIONAL about where you go and whom you spend your time with this year.

~Nikki

For the Love of Family

FROM MY SPIRIT, Uncategorized

We don’t always get the relationships we wish we had with parents or siblings. If you can’t create those relationships due to issues that can’t be resolved, personalities, morality, mental and emotional issues/abuse you end up feeling like you’re missing a connection or deeper connection. You probably are. There are ways to make those connections with others or be that connection for someone else. Foster those connections between your children and with your children. And you can always be to yourself what you needed as a child. Nurture the child within.

~Nikki

Learning Your NEW Changing Role as Parents

FROM MY SPIRIT, Relationship Energy

“Don’t fix it. Fix it. Listen and don’t give advice. Give advice. Don’t tell me what to do. Wait, what should I do?” I am now the parent of a young adult in college. I thought I was doing well as I started the above when my teen was in the 10th grade but, apparently, I need to take a closer look at this very new, ever changing, college student. “You’re always giving advice and sometimes I just want you to listen. You’re always trying to fix it.” I was told.

And it’s true. My nature is to fix. I am the problem solver and the peacemaker. I am the bridge. I am the counselor. I am really good at just listening to others but, as a parent I listen with the intent to SOLVE and ADVISE and I now realize I need to listen with permission to advise or more importantly, ask if it’s not clear afterwards, “Are you just venting and need my listening ear?” And if so, I need to use words like, “I understand. Or wow, what do you think you should do? Or give it some time, you will figure it out.” One must refrain from their stories of what they did in those situations because you have been told, “they just want to vent or just need you to listen” and remember how you, too, need to just vent or just need a listening ear. You, too, don’t always want to hear someone’s story, need advice, or need it to be fixed. You just want to get it out of your head. TRUST your young adult to figure it out or come back to you for advice or, brace yourself, to find the solution from someone else.

Someone else? Yes. Now this is the time to talk to your young adult (or remind them) about making sure the resources they use are credible resources! This is for articles on google, influencers on YouTube need to be questioned and so does their sources, and to seek professional help (a teacher that teaches the subject or campus counselors). Perhaps, a pastor or even an older sibling or relative they trust. Yes. Your young adult may be able to talk to your brother or your sister about an issue and not you, the parent. My sister was my main source during my teen years and young adult years. She was much older than I was and had been through similar things in which my mom had not.

If you haven’t prepared yourself, you should prepare your mind to know that you will not always be the end all be all, the main source to your child. They grow up. In my belief system, they belong to the Creator ultimately and are not to be controlled but, are to be guided and eventually, left to sail their own ship. I don’t get to pick the ship, design the ship, and pick passengers or destination. I am just on call to assist and to check on. And you learn to enjoy that role. Keyword…learn.

~Nikki

Sunday Morning Coffee Musings: Layers To Freedom

FROM MY SPIRIT, Uncategorized

I’ve wrapped my head around the idea that I have more work to do on myself as far as releasing the painful past of childhood. What I did not know was that there were layers to freedom. I got this thought from my own spirit as I was in conversation, meditation, or prayer with God (whatever you choose to call it is fine with me). I was venting that I just want to be free to enjoy and live out my full potential from here on out. I vented “I thought I was free! Who knew that there were so many layers to freedom!!!” And it hit me, “layers to freedom.” Like and onion.

Onions are just fine sitting in the produce section piled up on top of each other. But once you get them home and peel back a layer, you open up the strong smell that creates watery eyes without your consent or control. And so it is, with opening up old wounds that have never healed. Layers and layers of years have gone by. Years and years of masking the uncomfortable that manifest in mood swings, meanness, sadness, arrogance, nonchalant-ness and irritability for no apparent reason. Layers of hurt, embarrassment, inadequate feelings, and shame concealed by one thin layer.

When you have experienced some sort of trauma or continued drama, the emancipation of your soul may take a very long time. I don’t know if it can be sped up. I think maybe it can and I am going to find out if that is true. All week long the spiritual things from my daily devotions to meditation and wisdom from spiritual leaders have centered around freedom. Coincidence? No. I am calling this freedom in and that is why it is showing up. Even in numbers.

Sandhguru said, “Freedom requires courage.” I listened to one of his talks this week. It does require courage and I have taken some courageous steps in peeling back the layers. But, this step, requires “a whole heap” (as my Granny would say) of courage. I feel like I have to muster it up. Get up the nerve. Face it. Deal with it. Defeat it. I feel as if this will be the last barrier to my own freedom. I am tired. I am weary. I am ready. So maybe the speeding up the process is to DEAL with it HEAD ON knowing it’s going to get messy, become tiring, and hurt. But…I need my freedom. I need to live my FULL, UNCHAINED LIFE. I am ready to peel back every layer, chop the onions up and use them to flavor my life. God is my help, my strength, my source, and I feel as if I have not only God, but angels, my angel, and my ancestors on my side. I need all the help I can get. I need all the love I can receive. I may need many shoulders to cry on. But victory…victory is mine.

~Nikki