If You Must. RA Blog

The last two years for me have been very difficult times. I have been fighting for disability. I have not worked because I cannot hold down a fulltime job and all savings have been depleted. I had a new diagnosis in 2015 of osteoarthritis in my right toe (I had surgery for halludux rigidus) and this year I saw a report from one of my doctor which stated osteoarthritis in both knees (and decrepitus). Every time I go to the doctor or have tests I have anxiety attacks. I was tested so much this year for breathing problems ffinallyit was diagnosed as sleep apnea and dyspnea. I went to the doctor last week and I was told I need medication for diabetes. Also, a few months ago, after being tested numerous times, I now have peripheral neuropathy in my lower limbs and carpal tunnel syndrome in both hands and upper limbs. Bouts of depression are often.

I have had plenty of reason to look back woefully, angrily, and puzzled. Recently, in gathering medical records, my pediatric doctor office was able to find my diagnosis of Juvenile Rheumatoid   Arthritis. I thought I had it since I was 12, but the symptoms began at 8 and diagnosis was at 9. I read the letters and I noticed how kind, compassionate, and thorough the specialist who informed  my doctor of the findings as they communicated back and forth. In reading those forms I cried because I began to remember vividly those painful and uncertain days. It also gave me a clue as to my left eye having blurring problems I had forgotten it started when I was a child. It is so intermittent and this year an ophthalmologist saw the problem. The one sentence the pediatric rheumatologist stated was for girls, at such a young age, rheumatoid arthritis has a “smoldering effect.” Yes. How right he was.

How can I look back, if I must, forgivingly? I’m not sure exactly what top forgive. In looking back then and now, longing for when I was okay. The window where I felt no pain. The time when I knew exactly where I wanted to go and all I wanted to do. The place where I was so optimistic About going in my life and that “here,” whereII am now, is a place I never saw because I never envisioned it. And I am not talking just for the diagnosis of RA and the other laundry list, but life overall. As my therapist said last week, break it down, piece by piece, to not get overwhelmed. I guess I forgive it piece by piece and understanding I had no control at that young age over a disease and I don’t have much control over it now. I do have control over how  deal with it and which direction to go forward. Looking forward prayerfully…no problem. I have no choice as far as I am concerned to constantly pray about my future. I try my best to be in the NOW and remain grateful. Though it is very, very hard at times.

~Nikki