It was a great weekend for me because I was pretty much pain free and free from the responsibilities of “adulting.” So what does one do with a weekend like this, well the first thing I did was sleep in! And then I went to Muddy’s for cupcakes. It’s my birthday month and I share this month with my daughter. When you walk into the doors of Muddy’s you are always greeted with a smile. I mean, hey, they bake sweet treats and that makes the employees just as happy as the customers that walk in! They bake cookies and cakes as well.
It’s a neat small place and I always like small spaces that make you feel like you can sit a while. It’s happily decorated and as a coffee connoisseur I noticed the coffee nook first.
I was craving the wedding cake cupcake and that is how I ended up here Saturday. Well, you can’t just get one. You “need” at least four! The purple is named “Called a Cab” and there is Red Velvet in the mix as well. There’s a chocolate one named “Prozac” mmm mmm delicious for chocolate addicts…uh lovers.
After getting cupcakes I was ready for lunch. I headed over to Mellow Mushroom for a calzone and white sangria.
I love the veggie calzone but, I was in the mood for something meat I asked to be seated on the patio, feeling the cool breeze mixed with the heaters above the table is perfect combination. Clear skies, sunny, and the music made you want to dance in your seat or at least, sing out loud which some people did. I like that it’s a variety of past hits from various genres. After eating lunch, I had a little time to kill before a wine tasting so I stopped by a consignment store and found a very cute pair of heels by Ann Taylor. I got them for $10! And I used my credit from a previous sale which was $10. My next stop was a wine tasting at Kirby Wines and Liquors. It was a tasting of Stella Rose flavored wines. I was feeling a bit tired afterwards and went home to rest. Believe it or not I regained just enough energy to make it to a family event; a birthday and anniversary party combined. I had a good time overall.
It was great feeling normal again even though I am paying for it dearly today. This is what usually happens to those of us that live a life of chronic pain. When we have a “good day” we usually take advantage of it. For one moment, I almost felt a bit sad that it couldn’t be like this all the time. I miss my old life. But, I decided to just enjoy this moment and day. This was a day that the Lord had made, I rejoiced and was glad in it. When you count your blessings, you can count it all joy.
If you are waiting on God, God just may be waiting on you. God, the Universe, the Creator, the god within, just may be waiting on you to take action. The sign you are looking for may not be broadcasted as breaking news but, it just may be hearing what you were thinking about on a radio talk show. It may be reading it on someone’s post. It may come to you in a dream where you see yourself doing what it is you want to do.
Now that you see or hear the sign what are YOU going to do? Take a step or jump of the cliff, big or small, take action. I am in the fight of my life and money is scarce. It takes money to make money but, it takes an idea to generate money and create wealth. Once you have the idea then you have to DO SOMETHING. Read about it, research, take a class, save up, write the plan, write the idea out, or create a vision board. Start small and grow. Look into new ideas. Pray and meditate that the right people show up to help you. Be open to change and new directions. Treat failures as a lesson. Be okay with not being able to do some things well and capitalize off what you do with excellence. Remove those that hinder your progress or go around them. Create a positive space in your mind, body, soul, and heart and just go.
I am soon to be 43. I have no concern about age and creating the life and space I want to live in for the rest of my years. I never cared about age even at a young age. What is old? What is young? What is too late? It’s never too late to be happy. It’s never too late to be loved. It’s never too late to live your dreams. It’s never too late to make money. I got rid of two pages I was managing on Facebook. I linked my blog to my new page Nikki’s Confetti Life on Facebook. I changed my Instagram page to a Business Profile and linked it to the Facebook page. I promote my pages and posts with every extra dollar I save or make. I learned to crochet and I am learning to sew. I have written three books and I am just waiting for the right time and opportunity to launch them full throttle. I am thinking of more ways to get them to the masses. The are e-books and one in print. I sit at the feet of a published author helping others to reach their goals. You see, I am afraid. I am unsure. I don’t know what I am doing. I am making mistakes. I am messing up. I am getting my feelings hurt. BUT, I am doing. I am going. I am learning some things are business, some things are part of the process, and in conscious when you have not did anything to warrant bad reviews or opinions, or the lies told on you, you can shake the dust off your wings and keep flying. I fight Rheumatoid Disease, Fibromyalgia, Depression sometimes, Anxiety sometimes and I am worn and tattered but, God sews me back up when I lay my weary head and body down at night. A warrior will never come out of the battle without a scratch but, we can come out of the fire without smelling like smoke or being burned.
It’s Saturday evening and suddenly things begin to spin out of control. I am flustered. I can’t breathe. I am becoming irritable. I have things to do and many of those things won’t get done. I have only been gone for 4 hours and it feels like I have done a full day of labor. I hate Rheumatoid Disease and Fibromyalgia. I am frowning and I remember I took a prednisone pack and this has the propensity to change my mood dramatically but, no, no that’s not it. Thoughts swirl in my head. I am dropping things, the door jams, I curse, I get into the house and I see things are getting junky, I am angry that I seem to always run out of energy before I run out of time.
When I worked for an adult mental health agency there was this phrase said to a patient after a “meltdown” subsided in order to move the patient from one area to a calmer environment. That phrase was, “Walk with me.” After I made my sandwich I sat down and I took a deep breath. Why are you so angry? I asked myself. It’s because I am so tired and I was thinking in the car not only about being fatigued, and all that I needed to do but, also about my current situation and what will I do if…you know…things don’t work out. Where will I stay? How will I survive? I started to imagine myself broke down like those who sacrificed their bodies to provide for their families. I felt sorry for them and then I thought they were mothers and fathers with illnesses, too. I thought about how sad and depressed I would be. Then I started to get angry with God for letting that happen even though it has not happened.
Walk with me…
I ate my sandwich. I saw this photo I saved and I thought there is where I want to be at the end of days like this. Walking on the beach at sunset. Sending all of my thoughts and cares of the day on the waves. And then what would you do?
I would no doubt feel peace. I would return to my beach home and prepare for the night and the next day (Sunday). What would you cook? I asked myself. It surely wouldn’t be a lean cuisine warmed in the microwave. I would make a salad, pan sear some salmon, steam some veggies and pour some strawberry lemonade. Sounds good.
Walk with me. If you can steady your thoughts by steadying your breath and just take a mental walk somewhere else. Find a photo of where you would escape to and just imagine what you would be doing. So, as I came back to present, I decided on what needed to be done and what must wait. I feel so much better I didn’t go into a full anxiety attack or need the inhaler or remained frazzled and angry the rest of the evening.
It’s a chilly Saturday morning here in Memphis. Most of the snow has melted and patches of ice are still hanging on for dear life. It’s partly cloudy and my daughter is at her dad’s for the weekend. It’s a quiet morning for the most part and I don’t want to be troubled about anyone’s troubles today. I have had a very long and painful week that started last Sunday. I had oral surgery Monday. Tuesday the neighbors pipes busted…and wait…I don’t want to go on about this week. However, I did just get off the the phone with a person, whom name is being withheld to protect the guilty, on how they have these mountains of a problems today (two), which has greatly (not even barely) inconvenienced them. I just held the phone. Solved one of their “problems” by asking a simple question and listen to them solve the other. You know, before coffee I just don’t want an earful of woes.
At some point of a roller coaster week you have to get off. You have to carve out not just a moment, a minute, but an entire day. 24 hours of leave me alone. 24 hours of this is how the day will go. 24 hours of I can’t help you. 24 hours of I am closed. 24 hours of, sorry, that’s going to rush me, put me in a bind, throw my entire day off. 24 hours of I see your text, message, but I am not answering. I don’t want to think. I want to be quiet. I want to clean. I want to create. I want to eat good food. I want to binge watch. I want to listen to good music. A Do Not Disturb: It’s My Saturday.
It started as a good day yesterday. Even though, it was raining cats and dogs. I managed to take care of a few errands. I started to feel my energy wann around 3:30 P.M. I was going to go home and take a nap before a birthday dinner of a friend. Well, when I got up I felt my shoulder ache. No time for this. I took a shower and asked my daughter to put some cream on it (it’s like a icy hot) because I did not want to take pain medication. It wasn’t 5 minutes after she put it on I began to itch like crazy…all over my back and face. I knew I was having an allergic reaction and it was possibly setting off an itching flare (unexplained undiagnosed flare the doctors can’t determine why or cause). So, I took my last Benadryl and a Fantominide cocktail which calms itching fast (learned that from a nurse in the E.R. when it happened the first time). I had to cancel my plans to go out…so much for margaritas!!! But then around 11:00 P.M. I started itching again…and I had to throw on clothes, make a mad dash to the grocery in rain to get more Benadryl because I was out! My parents are aging, my brother was at work, and other siblings are older than I am blah blah blah…I was on my own. I never want to bother anyone i.e. friends because they live too far and even if they live close…they don’t seem as if they want to be bothered if that makes sense. I’d much rather you bother me, than I bother you.
I made it home. Texted family I was ok. I woke up this morning, but could not get out of bed. Talk to Mom, didn’t tell her I couldn’t get up (didn’t want to worry her=she’ll call everybody-everybody will call me-I don’t want to talk). I got up to shower and discovered my shoulder still hurts, including, hip and knee. I make it out the shower, to the kitchen, put breakfast on at 10:15 and soon realize, I can’t stand long so I push it and sit. And write to you…
I spent money for a very famous fashion show today because fashion is my first love. I did not have money for the all day events and I don’t think I would have lasted anyway. But, to now think I may not even be able to make it to this world renown fashion show is gut wrenching. It is this very moment, well, all night really, I wonder if I can do it. If I can still pursue fashion with this evil disease and at my age of 42. I think about giving up. I think of all the problems that would come with it. I think…if only I was not deterred at a young age to NOT pursue fashion, I would already be doing it and perhaps well established. I know I have the gift. I may not know #@$% else about myself, but I do know that. That is the one thing I have always been confident in and comfortable with.
Getting dressed, doing my natural hair, painting my nails, wearing heels, forcing myself to walk straight, walking a long distance…
For the first time I contemplate if I am in over my head trying to reach for a dream that will not die…
Growing up both of my parents were pretty healthy parents. I remember an occasional flu or a minor surgery. I can’t say I know what it is like to have to “deal” with an ill parent at a young age. I don’t know for sure how much it affects the child later on in life but, I am certain it makes a world of difference what the illness is and how the parent themselves handles the illness or disease. If the parent is any parent at all, they naturally carry a bit of guilt for being sick.
My daughter is 16 and it was seven years ago when Rheumatoid Arthritis Disease came out of remission and imploded into our lives. She was 9. I pushed on five years after that working, being a mom (because well you can’t stop doing that) and my daughter has always been the most caring and concerned child through this ordeal. And I have tried my best to make sure the unpredictability of RA doesn’t take a toll on her childhood as much as it takes a toll on my body and life.
When RA first resurfaced, we didn’t know what it was. I remember waking up one morning with the Holy Telit across the foot of my bed laid there by my daughter. I remember when I had to have surgery twice, she was ready to do her part. Through my crappy attitude at times and unbearable mood swings, she has learned to either let me know or just stay out the way. I have often, come back to apologize and try to make sure it doesn’t happen too often because I don’t believe you can use your pain as an excuse to be mean to others! But, it does happen unintentionally sometimes. You have to be the type of person that is reflective of self and responsible for your behavior. That takes deep commitment to being the best you, you can be and a whole lot of Jesus, God, Holy Spirit, Creator, etc in my case.
Yesterday, she took care of her mother. It was almost like she was prepared because she knew I had a class where I would have to use my hands and sit for some time. I didn’t ask her to do anything. She just stepped right in. I have to say, I have been blessed with a good daughter. I hope I am being the good mom. I hope I have been the good mom before RA came into our lives.
Are hobbies important? You bet! Especially, when it comes to having an illness or disease that can zap the life and joy right out of you IF you allow it to. I don’t know if my hobbies are hobbies, so to speak. I mean since RA has taken a turn for the worse in my life I would like to think what may be considered as hobbies are really my lifelong passions that have been buried underneath the hustle of life and the bustle of a job. Most of my hobbies center around things I wish I would have done a long time ago or pursued.
Hobbies not only occupy your time, but should expand your mind and it should be something you enjoy. When I tend to my blog, one of my hobbies, I enjoy it. When I thrift and put outfits together, I enjoy it. When I find odds and ends, repaint them or repurpose them, I enjoy it. I get a great deal of satisfaction out of my hobbies. The things I don’t consider hobbies are writing (author), painting, crocheting and sewing. These things are more than hobbies to me. I view them as possible way to establish a new life since I have been left with me the remnants of my old life. Life, before RA. The core of who I am is still there. And to be honest, if RA had never came along and blew my old life out of the water, who knows when these gifts would have been reborn.