RA BLOG: Bad Blood

It started as a good day yesterday. Even though, it was raining cats and dogs. I managed to take care of a few errands. I started to feel my energy wann around 3:30 P.M. I was going to go home and take a nap before a birthday dinner of a friend. Well, when I got up I felt my shoulder ache. No time for this. I took a shower and asked my daughter to put some cream on it (it’s like a icy hot) because I did not want to take pain medication. It wasn’t 5 minutes after she put it on I began to itch like crazy…all over my back and face. I knew I was having an allergic reaction and it was possibly setting off an itching flare (unexplained undiagnosed flare the doctors can’t determine why or cause). So, I took my last Benadryl and a Fantominide cocktail which calms itching fast (learned that from a nurse in the E.R. when it happened the first time). I had to cancel my plans to go out…so much for margaritas!!! But then around 11:00 P.M. I started itching again…and I had to throw on clothes, make a mad dash to the grocery in rain to get more Benadryl because I was out! My parents are aging, my brother was at work, and other siblings are older than I am blah blah blah…I was on my own. I never want to bother anyone i.e. friends because they live too far and even if they live close…they don’t seem as if they want to be bothered if that makes sense. I’d much rather you bother me, than I bother you.

I made it home. Texted family I was ok. I woke up this morning, but could not get out of bed. Talk to Mom, didn’t tell her I couldn’t get up (didn’t want to worry her=she’ll call everybody-everybody will call me-I don’t want to talk). I got up to shower and discovered my shoulder still hurts, including, hip and knee. I make it out the shower, to the kitchen, put breakfast on at 10:15 and soon realize, I can’t stand long so I push it and sit. And write to you…

I spent money for a very famous fashion show today because fashion is my first love. I did not have money for the all day events and I don’t think I would have lasted anyway. But, to now think I may not even be able to make it to this world renown fashion show is gut wrenching. It is this very moment, well, all night really, I wonder if I can do it. If I can still pursue fashion with this evil disease and at my age of 42. I think about giving up. I think of all the problems that would come with it. I think…if only I was not deterred at a young age to NOT pursue fashion, I would already be doing it and perhaps well established. I know I have the gift. I may not know #@$% else about myself, but I do know that. That is the one thing I have always been confident in and comfortable with.

Getting dressed, doing my natural hair, painting my nails, wearing heels, forcing myself to walk straight, walking a long distance…

For the first time I contemplate if I am in over my head trying to reach for a dream that will not die…

~Nikki