Parenting: Mean Girls Grow Up to be Mean Women: Bullies

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I picked my daughter up from school and as soon as she got in the car I knew something terrible must have happened that day. I said “What’s wrong?” She said “A girl tried to fight me today.” I won’t go into details about the ordeal, but I will tell you one thing that made me proud. My daughter said to her “I don’t fight. I don’t fight unless I have to defend myself. I don’t believe in being violent. That’s not what I do, but if you want to talk it out we can. But, I am not going to fight you.” Then she said the girl kept it up (the teacher was out of the room) and my daughter said she got up and left the classroom. My daughter was so angry her head was hurting. She was so upset, stressed, that she talked about it for an hour. I was angry, to0. BUT, I had to be a MATURE and RESPONSIBLE PARENT and not let my emotions of someone causing my daughter turmoil get the best of me.

She asked, “Was I wrong for defending my friend?”

My response: No, but the best way to defend your friend when someone is talking about them is to REMAIN their friend in spite of. The other girl has a right to say whatever she wants to say about anyone. It’s her right to be a gossiper, a liar, a mean girl. Sometimes it’s a reflection of parenting and sometimes a parent has no idea their child is acting this way. Though, I suspect, they may have some clue and ignore it.

She informed the hall monitor, the hall monitor sent her to another classroom and the teacher in that classroom welcomed her in. Once things were offer they went to the original classroom, to let the other teacher know what happened. In the end, the teacher took care of the situation and she has not had any problems this week.

Another thing that bothered me was my daughter said she knows people talk about people. She knows people even talk about her. However, it seems as if this year, she is more aware of it as she can actually hear them saying things about her. You know, she’s weird or she basically is a student with good conduct and good grades. A nerd, so to speak. Ahhh, I can relate to those days. Plus I had red tha stood out in the midst of African American children. I was called names from Elementary to High School. It did affect my self esteem. She’s also an artsy, do your own thing, don’t follow the crowd type of girl, which I raised her that way from a toddler up until now. I realized a long time ago, my daughter is her own person. But, I also raise her to respect others, let others be themselves, don’t force your religious beliefs on others, don’t put people down and talk about them, and to be kind and tough when you need to be. And to please think before you act and think for yourself! She is not perfect…but who’s child is? Obviously, the mean girl is not perfect. However, some things you just EXPECT from your children. Kindness and nonviolence should be two of them.

To sum it up to her: “I know this was a terrible experience. A worse day in high school history. This will not be the last time you encounter mean girls. Mean girls have self esteem issues. Mean girls are trying to find their place. Mean girls may have family problems. Mean girls can sometimes, after life forms and shapes them, because their parents wouldn’t, can become nice girls or women in the long run. However, when you start working and living in this world, you will find some mean women who are still the same mean girls. Sadly.”

~Nikki

Sunday Morning Coffee Musing: In It’s Time

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Maybe your situation and circumstances are not so beautiful at this time or maybe, like me, it hasn’t been for a very long time. Know that things will be beautiful in it’s time. When it’s time. I am sure a caterpillar may not fill pretty during this phase of its life (can’t say for sure since I don’t speak butterfly, but just taking a guess here), but in it’s time…when it’s time, it is made beautiful. If only it/we knew we are beautiful in many ways in each phase of life. You may not feel it or look like it, but you are to the Creator.

Even in the hard times, the incredibly painful times of my disease and illnesses, I have strength and hope. Even if I only have them in the back of my mind or an afterthought. When I pull through those things, I am made aware of my beauty. Strength is beauty. Hope is beauty. You may not have gotten to this point yet, but when you are made aware of your ability to live anyways, to press on anyways, to rest even (it says you care for your body, and that’s beautiful), you will realize many things can be made beautiful in it’s time. When you become aware…it’s time.

However, there are some situations that take more than awareness of beauty. I find this for me, the waiting or searching for one to connect with on a personal and intimate level. It’s an ugly process for some of us single people. Hoping, searching, waiting, discerning, disappointment….etc…and well…you can find beauty in the fact you don’t give up. Or you can know that in due time, all of that will be made beautiful. If by the one coming along or by you realizing life doesn’t have to be stained by you not finding one or one finding you. Overall, you’ve had plenty to be thankful and grateful for and life has been beautiful because it is life, not because he or she “found” you.

~Nikki

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Sunday Morning Coffee Musing: The Other Side of You’re Not “The One”

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There is this video (Steve Harvey: Women Don’t Know How to Pick A Man with a subtitle How to Know if You are the One) where Steve Harvey paints the brutal reality of the choices in men “some” (keyword today is “some” which means not all. And if not all is is you, then guess what? This article is not for you!) women make (have made or sometimes make) and how to know if you are the one. You can find the video on YouTube but I must warn you, he does curse and if you can’t get past that, don’t worry about watching it. I agree with everything he says about knowing if you are the one and about picking the wrong man. I will have to be honest and say I have picked the wrong guy in my life quite a few times. And I have remained with the wrong guy once I recognized he was the wrong one! I know women don’t like to admit this, but how are you ever going to to heal or help others if you can’t be honest with yourself?

In the video he says something my spiritual mom and many others have said,  “A man can change, but he is only going to change for the one.” Well, here is something never addressed, how do we as women deal with realizing we are not “the one?” I mean after so many times of dating, in and out of relationships, you may start to feel many doubts and questions. Can we be honest? Great! Questions like: How many times can I NOT be the one? It makes me feel sad and hopeless that I have not found someone to spend my life with or to just be in a good relationship with. Is it me or is it him? It hurts to be in a relationship and realize you have made a mistake or the person turns out to  be the complete opposite after you two are intimate or after being together for some time. ( I am just being REAL). What do you do when you discover you are not “the one” he is going to change for? You are not the one rejection letters seem to ALWAYS come to you. You may wonder “Will I ever find the one or be found?”

May I present to you the others side of YOU ARE NOT THE ONE. The other side of discovering you are not the one is:

  • There is still someone out there for you. Keep going or take a break.
  • He is not the one EITHER!
  • You were smart enough to recognize you were not the one BEFORE you got into a relationship with the person
  • You came to your senses after you got into a relationship and JUMPED SHIP to save yourself
  • If you began to make a conscious choice to OBSERVE the behavior of a man (his consistency or inconsistency, his words and actions) you can quickly make better choices of how much of you to share and open up. You can also pull back your emotions at anytime. YES you can reign in your emotions! I should blog about that!
  • If you slow down, you can not only LISTEN to your GUT/INTUITION/THE HOLY SPIRIT/YOUR OWN SPIRIT but you can ACTUALLY DO WHAT IT IS TELLING YOU TO DO OR NOT DO AND TAKE HEED TO THE WARNING. Practice in this area makes almost perfect. I say almost because you probably will override your good senses from time to time.
  • Sometimes relationships don’t work out even after all of the vetting out you do. After all of the investigations, good vibes, prayer and the both of you commit to a relationship or marriage PEOPLE change. You cannot foresee that all the time. I know from experience. So cut yourself some slack if you “did everything right” and things with south. It is what it was.

 

Yes, we hear all the ways we are doing it wrong. But, what about how we feel once we leave the session or put the books down. How are we emotionally? And how honest can we be with others about how dating in this world makes us feel? Well, you can always be honest with me. I won’t judge you or put you down just because I have never “did” that or made that mistake. It’s rough out here for us single gals sometimes. We should be supportive.

~Nikki

 

 

Keep It Real

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Keep it real! Real Strong! Real Kind! Real Humble ! Real Proud! Real Loving! Real Compassionate! Real Understanding! Real Poilite!

~Nikki

From Breakdown to Build Up

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When I gave birth to my daughter, I suffered from post partum depression. Suddenly, my worst fears took over and I felt incompetent as a mother. I felt she would be better off without me because of the things that happened to me in the past. No one protected me and I couldn’t protect myself. I thought there is no way I could protect her. I had an irrational fear that the same things that happened to me would happen to her. I was on the verge of a serious breakdown. As a matter of fact, I was having a breakdown.

As I was getting the help I needed, the doctor asked me what is the one thing you gained from this ordeal, the one thing you feel about yourself? I thought for a second and out of my mouth came these words “I am stronger than I think.” She looked directly at me and said “Yes you are. You are stronger than you think.”

I have used those words throughout my life to get me through some serious tough times and some pitch black moments. I use those words often when I feel as though too much is happening and I am losing the battle. I use those words to push through. I also have realized I am smarter than I think. I am also braver than I think. When you say these things to yourself over a period of time, even at what appears to be the worst time, they take root in your core. And it’s as if the Creator or angels take hold of that anchor in your soul and help pull you through. I have learned if you just try a thing, learn a thing, you can do it. Especially if it’s your calling or your gifts and talents. I want you to know today…

You are stronger than you think or believe. You are smarter and you are braver. Look at all that you have survived and now it is time to thrive. You survive by living your best life, by walking in your destiny with confidence and becoming the beautiful being you were created to be. You are more than a conqueror. The build up is in what you tell yourself in the dark times to get you back to the light. The build up is in what you say and not what you feel at the time…you say it until you feel it and you recall the other times you pulled through to give you strength.

~Nikki

Mood: Strong

Dixon Gallery and Garden

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Yesterday my daughter and I visited Dixon Gallery and Garden in Memphis, TN. These are a few photos I wanted to share with you of the beauty we encountered. There is no wonder people have weddings here. We saw the exhibit FOLD and toured beautiful paintings and sculptures. Below are photos from FOLD.

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Mary Jo Karimnia

 

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Mary Jo Karimnia

~Nikki

Delta Fair Fun

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I don’t why you go to the fair if you don’t ride the rides and play the games. Well, I go to eat! Okay and play the games. I have never been big on rides but, when you have a daughter who wants to ride you get on a few rides. When she becomes a teen you are so happy to have her thrill seeking friends to come along!

Grow Up.Your child. Your Responsibility.

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You don’t get to opt out of the parenting programming because it’s hard or it’s an inconvenience on your sleep and free time. You don’t get to dump them at your parents’ house during the week and every weekend because you have to hit the club or need some “me” time (every weekend? Yeah right). Your child. Your responsibility. Do your job.