Sunday Morning Coffee Musing: Throw “That” Back

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What a week! Drama and Resolutions. Busy Mom, Sister, Daughter, and Auntie (which I always enjoy family), working on a project and just well, life. By the time Friday evening arrived I was exhausted and my legs (fibromyalgia) were giving me pure hell up until this morning. I finally have relief. This morning’s coffee musing is all about “throwing that back” and I don’t mean from the world of rap and hip hop where you shake your butt!

If something is not what you want or desire in your head, heart, and life then “throw that back.” If you are fishing and you pull up a shoe, I am sure you would either throw that back or recycle it. But trust me, the drama, the lies, the games, the people that want to stay sleep walking through life,  does not need to be recycled. Just throw all of that back. Back to the pits of hell or wherever it came from. If it arrives at your door unannounced then throw it back out. In fact, refuse to let it in. Once you realize that it is negative, a time waster, hurtful, then you need to get rid of it or neatly file it away under “not my problem.” We waste time on issues that people don’t want to resolve. We waste time on drama where people clearly enjoy drama and I say leave them to their drama and destruction and just be there to help pick up the pieces. You can not, CAN NOT,  help people that are:

1. Not telling you the whole truth and nothing but the truth

2. Love a life filled with hellishness

3. Don’t even know or care they have a problem

4. Just want attention

5. Don’t heed the advice give you

6. Have issues beyond your expertise

7. Liars and manipulators

8. Not ready for change

Now, if you find yourself getting into a funk about people and things out of your control(like I did this week), and it bothers your thoughts, throw all of that back. In my mind I picked up all the bull—- they brought or I went and got and put it back on their porch.

“Here ya go. Sorry I picked up this “crap.” I thought you needed help disposing of it but, I can clearly see this has turned into a crap slinging fest and it’s really messy. I don’t like messy.” -Nikki

 

 

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The Sweet 16 Flashback, Flash Forward

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When I first found out I was pregnant, I was filled with fear. I didn’t know what to do. I was not married, the daughter of a pastor, and the father of the child broke up with me to be with his long time, off and on, high school sweetheart while my heart was shattered into a thousand pieces. I was in my mid twenties, making decent money, and free to change my mind, location, and clothes at a whim. My sister was the first one to know and the first one to support whatever decision I wanted to make. You see, the shame of being a single mother in the church and in the world, AND a black woman, was and is tremendous for some of us. Also, the double standards are real today just as much as they were 16 years ago. You know, women who have children out of wedlock are heavily criticized and penalized in the church and in society. The man goes scotch free pretty much to be promoted in the church and in the world. However, I found out my dad did not share the same view of the church as he told me “That’s my grandchild and we will do whatever we can to help you and the baby.” Also, through a prophesy a woman told me “God never made a mouth that he could not feed.” I am sure she sense my worry of provision.

I didn’t know the entire time I was carrying my child if I would have a boy or a girl. The second decision I made after deciding to keep my child was to arm myself with as much knowledge about being pregnant and parenting. I wanted to know all about the stages of a developing child during and after. I ate right M-Saturday noon and I had what I wanted Saturday evening and Sunday. I remember thinking, if something is wrong with my baby when he or she is born , I can have a clear conscious it was not my fault. It’s the same way I parent. Be strict when I need to, discipline if I need to, be flexible enough to try a different method if what I am doing is not working, education first, God is a must, admit when I am wrong, have fun, protect, loosen the rope of parenthood and give her more freedom at the appropriate time, be okay with her being mad at me, not understanding why I say no sometimes, because I have to be able to know I am doing the right thing and she will not like it or me all the time, but she will still love me and thank me later. Do all of that and more, so that when she flies the nest I can say, I did the VERY BEST I could.

So here we are at 16. She’s sleeping late like any teenager during spring break. Her room is messy. She’s a smart girl with good grades, a good heart, a funny child with a uncanny sense of humor, wise at times and naive at other times, you know….just a child growing up. She’s enjoyed her first trip to Atlanta, the World of Coca Cola, the Georgia Aquarium (saw a dolphin show), and shopped until “I” dropped. I gladly forked over my money, my family made accommodations and sacrifices to make the trip possible (as I am not working due to permanent health issues). I forgo my usual birthday plans happily (we share the same birthday month and our birthdays are three days apart) for her happiness and a memory of her Sweet 16 she will never forget.

Sunday Morning Coffee Musing: A Daughter Needs Her Mother

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Mother-Daughter relationships are very important as I am sure you already know. The relationships are delicate, fragile, and must be forged throughout a young girls developing stages in order to have a strong foundation for the teenage years and the young adult years. And for many it continues to change, but at the base of that change is a foundation of love and a REAL relationship a mother has created with their daughter. I believe a young girl should spend as much time as she can with her mother. They tell me a woman can’t raise a man, and to some degree that is probably true. Yet, I’ve seen men raised by their mother. If that is the case, can a man raise a woman? Yet, there are men that are left to parent a daughter. The truth be told, a child needs both parents. However, there are just some things a developing girl needs from her mother and a young boy needs from his father. (Or positive male and female role models).

There are so many things a mother can teach a girl and so many things she can relate to. There are just so many complexities in a girl’s life that a mother has already experienced that need to be shared.A mother has the ability to navigate a daughter through life, to shape her into a lady, a confident woman, a self sufficient human being, and a upstanding citizen. She has the ability to impart hope, self esteem, and discipline. She can help her to dream and to face reality. As much as you can tell the absence of a father figure in a boy’s life, you can tell the absence of a mother figure in a girl’s life.

 

~Nikki

Single Life Confetti: Loving Yourself Beyond Treating Yourself

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She said “I do love myself. I get my hair done, I get my nails done, I take myself out to nice places, you know, I treat myself.” Yet, she continues in a job she hates, she moves from man to man, she allows the mistreatment of her heart, mind, and body. She is unfulfilled spiritually and goes through the motions as a single parent. Question: Has it ever occurred to you that loving yourself goes DEEPER than an hour long mani and pedi? Beyond expensive purses and exotic trips?

Those things are surface and fine. However, I urge you to search for a deeper love of self that involves self worth, self esteem building and fulfilling your destiny. I urge to a deeper connection to being in the present moment with your child/children if you are single parent. I urge you to a commitment to living in the now. Seek healing from the past wounds. Discover what is you want, need and desires in a relationship and don’t accept anything less that God given. Define what a healthy relationship to you. What are your values and your morals and grow your roots in them. Take care of your body via exercise and healthier choices. Invest in quality time with the religion you have chosen. TREAT YOURSELF to a JOYFUL, expanding life and not fleeting happiness or relationships (friendships or “workships”) that are everything you DON’T desire.

~Nikki

 

 

 

Parenting: Mean Girls Grow Up to be Mean Women: Bullies

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I picked my daughter up from school and as soon as she got in the car I knew something terrible must have happened that day. I said “What’s wrong?” She said “A girl tried to fight me today.” I won’t go into details about the ordeal, but I will tell you one thing that made me proud. My daughter said to her “I don’t fight. I don’t fight unless I have to defend myself. I don’t believe in being violent. That’s not what I do, but if you want to talk it out we can. But, I am not going to fight you.” Then she said the girl kept it up (the teacher was out of the room) and my daughter said she got up and left the classroom. My daughter was so angry her head was hurting. She was so upset, stressed, that she talked about it for an hour. I was angry, to0. BUT, I had to be a MATURE and RESPONSIBLE PARENT and not let my emotions of someone causing my daughter turmoil get the best of me.

She asked, “Was I wrong for defending my friend?”

My response: No, but the best way to defend your friend when someone is talking about them is to REMAIN their friend in spite of. The other girl has a right to say whatever she wants to say about anyone. It’s her right to be a gossiper, a liar, a mean girl. Sometimes it’s a reflection of parenting and sometimes a parent has no idea their child is acting this way. Though, I suspect, they may have some clue and ignore it.

She informed the hall monitor, the hall monitor sent her to another classroom and the teacher in that classroom welcomed her in. Once things were offer they went to the original classroom, to let the other teacher know what happened. In the end, the teacher took care of the situation and she has not had any problems this week.

Another thing that bothered me was my daughter said she knows people talk about people. She knows people even talk about her. However, it seems as if this year, she is more aware of it as she can actually hear them saying things about her. You know, she’s weird or she basically is a student with good conduct and good grades. A nerd, so to speak. Ahhh, I can relate to those days. Plus I had red tha stood out in the midst of African American children. I was called names from Elementary to High School. It did affect my self esteem. She’s also an artsy, do your own thing, don’t follow the crowd type of girl, which I raised her that way from a toddler up until now. I realized a long time ago, my daughter is her own person. But, I also raise her to respect others, let others be themselves, don’t force your religious beliefs on others, don’t put people down and talk about them, and to be kind and tough when you need to be. And to please think before you act and think for yourself! She is not perfect…but who’s child is? Obviously, the mean girl is not perfect. However, some things you just EXPECT from your children. Kindness and nonviolence should be two of them.

To sum it up to her: “I know this was a terrible experience. A worse day in high school history. This will not be the last time you encounter mean girls. Mean girls have self esteem issues. Mean girls are trying to find their place. Mean girls may have family problems. Mean girls can sometimes, after life forms and shapes them, because their parents wouldn’t, can become nice girls or women in the long run. However, when you start working and living in this world, you will find some mean women who are still the same mean girls. Sadly.”

~Nikki

Sunday Morning Coffee Musing: In It’s Time

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Maybe your situation and circumstances are not so beautiful at this time or maybe, like me, it hasn’t been for a very long time. Know that things will be beautiful in it’s time. When it’s time. I am sure a caterpillar may not fill pretty during this phase of its life (can’t say for sure since I don’t speak butterfly, but just taking a guess here), but in it’s time…when it’s time, it is made beautiful. If only it/we knew we are beautiful in many ways in each phase of life. You may not feel it or look like it, but you are to the Creator.

Even in the hard times, the incredibly painful times of my disease and illnesses, I have strength and hope. Even if I only have them in the back of my mind or an afterthought. When I pull through those things, I am made aware of my beauty. Strength is beauty. Hope is beauty. You may not have gotten to this point yet, but when you are made aware of your ability to live anyways, to press on anyways, to rest even (it says you care for your body, and that’s beautiful), you will realize many things can be made beautiful in it’s time. When you become aware…it’s time.

However, there are some situations that take more than awareness of beauty. I find this for me, the waiting or searching for one to connect with on a personal and intimate level. It’s an ugly process for some of us single people. Hoping, searching, waiting, discerning, disappointment….etc…and well…you can find beauty in the fact you don’t give up. Or you can know that in due time, all of that will be made beautiful. If by the one coming along or by you realizing life doesn’t have to be stained by you not finding one or one finding you. Overall, you’ve had plenty to be thankful and grateful for and life has been beautiful because it is life, not because he or she “found” you.

~Nikki

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Sunday Morning Coffee Musing: The Other Side of You’re Not “The One”

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There is this video (Steve Harvey: Women Don’t Know How to Pick A Man with a subtitle How to Know if You are the One) where Steve Harvey paints the brutal reality of the choices in men “some” (keyword today is “some” which means not all. And if not all is is you, then guess what? This article is not for you!) women make (have made or sometimes make) and how to know if you are the one. You can find the video on YouTube but I must warn you, he does curse and if you can’t get past that, don’t worry about watching it. I agree with everything he says about knowing if you are the one and about picking the wrong man. I will have to be honest and say I have picked the wrong guy in my life quite a few times. And I have remained with the wrong guy once I recognized he was the wrong one! I know women don’t like to admit this, but how are you ever going to to heal or help others if you can’t be honest with yourself?

In the video he says something my spiritual mom and many others have said,  “A man can change, but he is only going to change for the one.” Well, here is something never addressed, how do we as women deal with realizing we are not “the one?” I mean after so many times of dating, in and out of relationships, you may start to feel many doubts and questions. Can we be honest? Great! Questions like: How many times can I NOT be the one? It makes me feel sad and hopeless that I have not found someone to spend my life with or to just be in a good relationship with. Is it me or is it him? It hurts to be in a relationship and realize you have made a mistake or the person turns out to  be the complete opposite after you two are intimate or after being together for some time. ( I am just being REAL). What do you do when you discover you are not “the one” he is going to change for? You are not the one rejection letters seem to ALWAYS come to you. You may wonder “Will I ever find the one or be found?”

May I present to you the others side of YOU ARE NOT THE ONE. The other side of discovering you are not the one is:

  • There is still someone out there for you. Keep going or take a break.
  • He is not the one EITHER!
  • You were smart enough to recognize you were not the one BEFORE you got into a relationship with the person
  • You came to your senses after you got into a relationship and JUMPED SHIP to save yourself
  • If you began to make a conscious choice to OBSERVE the behavior of a man (his consistency or inconsistency, his words and actions) you can quickly make better choices of how much of you to share and open up. You can also pull back your emotions at anytime. YES you can reign in your emotions! I should blog about that!
  • If you slow down, you can not only LISTEN to your GUT/INTUITION/THE HOLY SPIRIT/YOUR OWN SPIRIT but you can ACTUALLY DO WHAT IT IS TELLING YOU TO DO OR NOT DO AND TAKE HEED TO THE WARNING. Practice in this area makes almost perfect. I say almost because you probably will override your good senses from time to time.
  • Sometimes relationships don’t work out even after all of the vetting out you do. After all of the investigations, good vibes, prayer and the both of you commit to a relationship or marriage PEOPLE change. You cannot foresee that all the time. I know from experience. So cut yourself some slack if you “did everything right” and things with south. It is what it was.

 

Yes, we hear all the ways we are doing it wrong. But, what about how we feel once we leave the session or put the books down. How are we emotionally? And how honest can we be with others about how dating in this world makes us feel? Well, you can always be honest with me. I won’t judge you or put you down just because I have never “did” that or made that mistake. It’s rough out here for us single gals sometimes. We should be supportive.

~Nikki