Grief As An Angry Monster

Yesterday began with me in an okay mood. It quickly plummeted into anger and irritability. It was the day after a wonderful birthday get away which I will talk about another day. I slept pretty good that night and woke up just okay. Well, my brother called with information about plane tickets for a cruise. And I appreciated the information but, I felt stressed about coming up with money for the tickets in a short notice because I’d just returned home from a trip. I didn’t spend much money on the trip but, I am still conscious of money.

I asked my daughter about her half and that is the next point of going from pressure to irritability because of her response. And then a phone call about my dad wanting to go the E.R. from my mom. Okay. Let him go. Sometimes he wants to go and it’s not an emergency at all. Then an hour later mom called andasked if I could come over to take her blood pressure. And I stayed for an hour. I just became so ANGRY about everything and everyone! For the past two weeks, handling my brother’s affairs, funeral, service, my house was and is in a disarray and that made me feel horrible. Plus, things I brought back from the trip. It seems as if I had no help and this was resembling the same life I left for a few days.

I did almost everything I could to calm down but, it seemed to only make me angrier. I took a sleep med because I knew I would not be able to unwind. I was awaken by a phone call at 2:15 AM with dad confused and hallucinating. I called the nurses station at the V.A. I had a bit of a time falling back to sleep. So, here I am this morning, on a beautiful morning, not feeling beautiful at all. Not feeling much of anything except wanting to be left alone.

I know I need to eat healthier today and to stay hydrated. I know I need to do yoga for grief. I know I need less interruptions. I know I need to hand off daughter duties, caregiver duties, and solving other people’s problems for the weekend. I know I need to let people have their issues or do nothing. I know I need some disconnection to take care of me and to clean up my home so that I can feel better about being in it and creating in it.

~Nikki