I feel. I have tried not to feel or to be as “feeling” as others wanted me to be. I was told I was too emotional. I have tried to shut down my feelings. Pretend I don’t have any feelings. I have tried to emulate others who are TOUGH because you are TOUGH if you don’t feel or show any emotions…RIGHT? You are weak if you do. RIGHT?
I won’t answer those questions. They are thoughts fed to you as facts by others. You can answer them for yourself. God created me to feel. God told me so. I was created to have a heart for the people. I couldn’t be a writer or as nearly creative if I didn’t feel. I couldn’t rush to the side of the underdog if I couldn’t feel. I was not created to pretend to be something I am not.
The insight given to me in questioning God as to why I was made like this was this:
“I created you in my image. I feel. I feel more than you feel believe it. However, you are in a place where you can’t take on everyone’s battle. There are lessons for them to learn. I created you emotional. Your lessons with your emotions or feelings is to learn to MANAGE them not to get rid of them. How to care but not so much it drowns you. The lessons for the super tough “I don’t feel nothing” is to learn to feel and open up. Be who I create YOU to be and be proud that you are a person that FEELS openly and honestly.”
Once I got that eye opening insight I am learning to MANAGE my feelings. I am also no longer trying not to be emotional. I am who I am. Ya’ FEEL ME?
8 Awake, my glory (my inner self); awake, harp and lyre! I will awake right early [I will awaken the dawn]! Psalms 57:8
Your inner self is your glory. Getting your inner self up before dawn so that you can worship/meditate/pray. Now this is how you wake up. Waking up to wake up the dawn with whatever your instrument is (prayer, music, song, meditation). That blessed me. Or you can think of it as greeting the dawn with praise and worship, meditation or prayer.
I also thought of it like this: In your darkest hour or hardest time you can awake your inner self, your soul, and bring in the dawn. It’s no secret that meditation, prayer, music, song, praise brings in LIGHT. That is what the early dawn does…it brings light to the world., light into our situation.
Yesterday, I wanted to get out with friends but no one was available. I decided to head out alone to sit on a patio, get a bite to eat, head to Mississippi River and catch the sunset. Perhaps, be inspired.
I did just that and parked next to a car where the young man was sitting by himself. Later I found out he was 26. I hesitated to get out but, I wanted some good pictures (shared below). I spoke and the next thing you know we talked for over an hour and a half as the sun set. We talked about nature, being humble, spiritual things, the community, the violence, history, what’s in the food we eat, aliens (yes aliens lol), the what ifs, a few personal references about turning points in life, success, what is it? what is money?, Tupac (rap), traveling etc.
Everything under the sun watching the sun…And we shook hands after we snapped our pictures and went our separate ways with a simple “Nice to meet you and see you around”. Leaving no names.This was a Divine Appointment to exchange with a like minded individual and to be enlightened and to also be a light.
I AM Power.
I dance to the music in my heart.
I change my mind therefore I have the power to correct my thinking to adjust my emotions and to change the direction of my course.
I refrain from judging other women’s path and decisions. I find ways to assist them instead.
I appreciate other’s differences and beauty.
I don’t need anyone’s approval to do what I came here to do.
My relationship with the Divine is mines and it is unique.
I express myself in my own way. It is my right.
I rise and I fly.
My beauty begins on the inside and radiates on the outside.
The first thing I let go of was the definition in my head of consistent exercise meaning everyday and 30 minutes to an hour of exercise. It was the beginning of a breakthrough. Each time I didn’t exercise daily or didn’t make the 30 minute mark I was disappointed. In the chronic pain world I live in it may not happen every day and it certainly may not happen for 30 minutes. Consistency is any 3 days or more. Time is whatever my mind and body agree upon.
The second thing I did was stop assigning days, exact times i.e. at noon and what exercises I was going to do that day in stone or at all. I realize my body may not want to walk on Monday if I my hips have given me the blues all night or the soles of my feet are tender and swollen. My shoulder blades may be on fire and I can’t do butterflies with light hand weights (3lbs). Knowing in your head that your exercise days are flexible and interchangeable relieves you of the pressure to do what you said you were going do at 5:00 A.M. before you head to work or get the children ready if you took a painkiller at 1:00 A.M. it’s not going to happen! And it’s okay. You can choose a different exercise. You don’t get to say well can’t walk oh well. You say can’t walk…let me do some hand exercises or upper body exercise…let me stretch. You can you tube and google hand exercises, feet and toe exercises, chair exercises, yoga for flare days. Give yourself options.
Next, I set a goal and then I set “realistic” goals. You see, in my heart I want to set a lofty goal and then when I fail at it I will be disappointed. So I set a lofty goal and then I set a realistic goal. I am going to do 100 butterflies because I think I am the old me but, then I say if that doesn’t work I will settle for 10. So when I do 10 or 12 I am happy! If shoulders start to hurt at 5 I am happy. I will do 5 more another day. See???? Win-win.
The one thing I wish I could have done first was STOP COMPARING MYSELF WITH OTHER PEOPLE EXERCISING OR MY OLD SELF. However, I will tell you the truth: It is something I STILL from time to time. I will say I have learned to think “Wow, that’s awesome she or he is doing 10 miles. Great job!” and I keep going and taking my breaks as needed. I can be happy for others and I can be grateful my body is still giving me her very best under strenuous circumstances. I often thank my body after I am done or if I can’t finish I thank my body for trying. In therapy, I am learning to move on from the old Nikki and embrace the new reality of Nikki. I was fabulous doing 5 miles and I am fabulous doing 1 mile no matter how long it takes. Somethings in the past do not serve me in a positive way and reflecting on it does nothing for my new reality. I have many things I can still be grateful that are not physical. And so do you!
*We have flares and they can last a day or weeks or months. Do what you can and get the rest you need but, just keep going at your own pace.*
In comparing our lives to a river, I don’t believe it’s a straight narrow river. I believe it is a river that is narrow at some points and wide at other points. I also believe there are many many bends in the river of life. Some very deep ones. So deep you think you are going in a circle only to end up back where you started from.
I have found myself finally at a bend in life. I was going downstream in raging waters. I had no idea there was a bend somewhere downstream. (Not all bends are on the map in this journey. Surprise!). I have felt like giving up. I have laid down in the boat and said forget it. I thought about jumping off the boat during the storms. Then the sun would rise and I would dry out but, still going down. And here we have a bend…
Approaching the bend you think “Yes, I am turning around!” But what you soon realize is this bend is so deep and miles long you just may begin to panic or think you are going in a circle only to end up where you were. Well, honey, you will not. It’s just a very deep bend in life and you will come out with a mighty force. So, just do your best to maintain a positive energy around you by putting positive thoughts in you and ride the bend. Busy yourself with what you will do better, different or new once you are out of the deep bend. No worries…Glorious view are on the turnabout.
-Nikki (In Mindful Coffee Meditation this Morning)
Wealth and riches shall be in my house.
Everything I lay my hand to succeeds and prospers
I prosper, my health prospers, my relationship prospers
The more I give the more is given to me
The more I love the more I am loved
My loyalty is returned 100 fold
There are times when you maybe in a place that is functional but does not provide as much beauty or pleasure as you desire. It could be dealing with pain, relationships or living conditions that are not the best. You are in a meantime position.
I was practicing yoga Tuesday and as I rolled out my mat, I saw the tree outside my window. I really like this tree. It is such a beautiful green in the spring and summer and this is my first time seeing it display yellow orange and red simultaneously (I moved here in May of this year). I was in some pain that day so my yoga would be limited. I also don’t care for some things in my new apartment I notice them when I am cleaning and the location is not my first or 100th choice. But this beautiful red maple (I researched and believe this to be a red maple) is “Something to See”.
The message from the Universe, God, Creator or Divine says “I will give you SOMETHING TO SEE in the midst of pain or displeasure. I will give you some beauty for your ashes. I will give you something to focus on to refocus your heart energy. It will be radiant and glorious and it will cause you to feel radiant and glorious in the midst of pain or discomfort. The Source is saying look at me I AM “SOMETHING TO SEE. Look within while you are in and you will realize that you too are SOMETHING TO SEE.”
Look outside the window of your circumstances…there you will find SOMETHING TO SEE. Look within while you are in as situation and you will see that you too are SOMETHING TO SEE.
-Nikki and the Red Maple