I get that no relationship or marriage will ever be perfect as in no one will ever “not” make mistakes or have imperfections you will opt to live with or deal with. What I don’t get is the excuse “We’re not perfect” as in dealing with a person who is verbally, emotionally or physically abusive and to stay in that relationship. What about a liar, thief, and cheater? “We’re not perfect” is not a pass for bad behavior or reckless behavior. It is not an excuse for financial abuse (wasting all of the money and expecting you to pick up the tabs of electric bills, rent or mortgage).
You don’t expect a person to be perfect, but you should expect them to treat you right! You should expect them not to abuse you in any manner or use you!
There is this video (Steve Harvey: Women Don’t Know How to Pick A Man with a subtitle How to Know if You are the One) where Steve Harvey paints the brutal reality of the choices in men “some” (keyword today is “some” which means not all. And if not all is is you, then guess what? This article is not for you!) women make (have made or sometimes make) and how to know if you are the one. You can find the video on YouTube but I must warn you, he does curse and if you can’t get past that, don’t worry about watching it. I agree with everything he says about knowing if you are the one and about picking the wrong man. I will have to be honest and say I have picked the wrong guy in my life quite a few times. And I have remained with the wrong guy once I recognized he was the wrong one! I know women don’t like to admit this, but how are you ever going to to heal or help others if you can’t be honest with yourself?
In the video he says something my spiritual mom and many others have said, “A man can change, but he is only going to change for the one.” Well, here is something never addressed, how do we as women deal with realizing we are not “the one?” I mean after so many times of dating, in and out of relationships, you may start to feel many doubts and questions. Can we be honest? Great! Questions like: How many times can I NOT be the one? It makes me feel sad and hopeless that I have not found someone to spend my life with or to just be in a good relationship with. Is it me or is it him? It hurts to be in a relationship and realize you have made a mistake or the person turns out to be the complete opposite after you two are intimate or after being together for some time. ( I am just being REAL). What do you do when you discover you are not “the one” he is going to change for? You are not the one rejection letters seem to ALWAYS come to you. You may wonder “Will I ever find the one or be found?”
May I present to you the others side of YOU ARE NOT THE ONE. The other side of discovering you are not the one is:
There is still someone out there for you. Keep going or take a break.
He is not the one EITHER!
You were smart enough to recognize you were not the one BEFORE you got into a relationship with the person
You came to your senses after you got into a relationship and JUMPED SHIP to save yourself
If you began to make a conscious choice to OBSERVE the behavior of a man (his consistency or inconsistency, his words and actions) you can quickly make better choices of how much of you to share and open up. You can also pull back your emotions at anytime. YES you can reign in your emotions! I should blog about that!
If you slow down, you can not only LISTEN to your GUT/INTUITION/THE HOLY SPIRIT/YOUR OWN SPIRIT but you can ACTUALLY DO WHAT IT IS TELLING YOU TO DO OR NOT DO AND TAKE HEED TO THE WARNING. Practice in this area makes almost perfect. I say almost because you probably will override your good senses from time to time.
Sometimes relationships don’t work out even after all of the vetting out you do. After all of the investigations, good vibes, prayer and the both of you commit to a relationship or marriage PEOPLE change. You cannot foresee that all the time. I know from experience. So cut yourself some slack if you “did everything right” and things with south. It is what it was.
Yes, we hear all the ways we are doing it wrong. But, what about how we feel once we leave the session or put the books down. How are we emotionally? And how honest can we be with others about how dating in this world makes us feel? Well, you can always be honest with me. I won’t judge you or put you down just because I have never “did” that or made that mistake. It’s rough out here for us single gals sometimes. We should be supportive.
After you have jumped through hoops, served with excellence, bought every expensive gift, never let him see you barefaced and messy hair, dropped everything and everybody every single time to come running to their beckoning call, laid yourself down as a willing sacrifice, be everything they needed you to be, a lover, a secretary, a psychiatrist, a maid, a door mat….and finally! They love you!
But now, that love has appeared you are tired. You just want to be yourself but, noooooooo you’ve got to keep up the charades honey! You’ve got to “Put On the Ritz.” Don’t go a’ changing on them now! Go out there and break a leg! It’s show time! No?
No is right. All kinds of tips on how to make a man fall in love, how to make a woman fall in love, and just be yourself is almost always at the bottom or never on the list. Well, as a great performer once in my life or 100 times, lol, I opted out of the showbiz of “making” him fall in love and just decided to be myself. If a loving, honest, caring, romantic, moody at times, spiritual, etc etc you get the picture, woman is not enough then that is okay. It just means that you are not the one.
Yesterday, a guy asked me if I wanted to get married (not as in a proposal ha!) I said “I don’t know and I know that is strange coming from a woman,but maybe not. Most of the time I do but, today I am not sure.”
I remember when my answer to this question was a certainty. A resounding “Yes!” And then in my late 20’s to my 30’s I think it was more of saying yes to this question, trying to convince myself that I still did want to get married. I mean what woman wouldn’t want to? (You don’t have to answer that because I do know not every woman wants to be married) As I reflected on my answer last night and this morning I logged onto Facebook and began to scroll my timeline. Someone had posted the 8 a.m. service of my church so I clicked the play button.
He talked about remembering, visions, dreams, and revelation. I remembered the dream I had at the beginning of the year where I was attending my niece’s wedding (she is already married), and a very good friend was there whom I trust more than most. Well in this dream my niece had on a lavender robe (her favorite color is purple/lavender) but, everything involving the wedding was pink. A soft pink. The bridesmaid dresses were pink and I had one on. The flowers were a mixture of pinks. I held up some lingerie which was a gift to her and I said “What are you going to do with this?” And we both laughed and laughed. When I went out to the living area, it was if we were in a suite, my friend was there in a suit. He said “Someday, you are going to make a beautiful bride.” And then I woke up.
I researched the color pink down to the shades. I found that the color I was wearing and that mostly dominated the dream was symbolic of hope. I immediately got the message “Keep hope alive. Never let your hope of being married wither.” You keep hope alive by actively choosing faith. Hope and faith, like many other things are connected in the spiritual realm of this world and our lives. If you lose hope, faith can waver or dissipates over time. If you lose faith, hope wavers or dissipates over time. However you spin it, they belong together.
I accessed my feelings in relation to the question asked. How have you been feeling lately Nikki about relationships and dating? I have been feeling doubtful, frustrated, impatient. This is why I answered, “I don’t know.” My pastor reminded me that vision and dreams are connected and you needed to remember what God, (or your source-that’s me talking to you), has promised you. Also, God will give a revelation, instructions, on how to go about making the dream manifest. You just do as the instructions come or as the instructions say. This could be about anything. For me, at that moment is was about the marriage. It was about me remembering the many dreams I have had about love, relationships, and marriage. It was about connecting my vision of what love looks like and what love means to me, to dreams I’ve been given and following the instructions (like blocking a number of some crazy guy I met) or hearing the voice of the Spirit say “This guy still has feelings for his ex. Keep your heart to yourself.”….so you see, revelation must be followed. Do you want to get married? Yes. Yes I do.
Choosing Between Equality and Being Treated Like a Lady
If you’ve been following my blog you may have an idea of my personality and thoughts on certain subjects. So, it should be no surprise when I type the next sentence. I don’t have to choose between wanting equality and being treated like a lady. A man doesn’t have to choose between his pay and having his ego stroked or his role as a man in society, relationships, etc respected. I do not understand men who can’t understand or rather, choose not to understand this. And let me go on record saying I am not that extreme when it comes to equality of the sexes. I don’t think a woman has to knock or kick down the door of every boys only clubs. Why? Because I don’t want men to kick down my girls only clubs. It’s okay to be excluded sometimes. It doesn’t mean I am not equal it just means my presence is not wanted or needed. We don’t have to be included in every thing or at least, I don’t.
While I don’t consider myself extremely feminine , I still want to be treated like the lady I am. I fall somewhere between “Oh my gosh kill that bug!!!!!” and “Do you need help getting the alternator out of your car?” I played with Barbie dolls and was the back up quarter back from time to time when we played football in the yard and the streets. Yes I want equal pay. Yes I want equal opportunities. Yes I want my ideas to be equally listened to and my education and experience to be equally valued. Yes I want you to still be a gentleman.
By the way: I am totally supportive of any role a woman chooses. We don’t have to be either or. It’s fine to be a mixture of both.
I know I had plans for my life at a very young age. Some people at a young age were dealt a blow that would change their course very early and some seem to have set their goals and achieved without much hindrance. We should have enough common sense to realize and comprehend that we all start our journey from different points with many things to factor in from the supporting parent to the non supportive parent. From a prestige education to surviving an environment where a parent didn’t care if you made it through school or not. It’s clear to me how these things and many more things affect each one of us differently. This blog is for those of us whom have had a series of unfortunate events.
Overcoming a series of unfortunate events in your life is not an easy feat. I have learned not to expect it to be. I can’t tell you why some are born and seem to have things knock them down back to back to back with barely enough room to catch a breath. I can only offer my philosophy like anyone else. I do recommend taking a philosophy that helps you to become stronger and to persevere verses one that teaches you to blame yourself without forgiving yourself. I can tell you what I did that probably brought Rheumatoid Arthritis out of remission but, I can’t tell you for sure why I developed Juvenile Arthritis in the fourth grade. I could say it was my lot in life. I could blame myself for the Rheumatoid but, that would only keep me in a state of stagnation. You could blame yourself, God or others for what happened to you or where you are but, that will only keep you in a state of stagnation. In other words, you won’t move or progress. Even if you manage to achieve great things in the realm of education and career, you will still be stagnant emotionally/mentally destroying relationships and self carrying anger or resentment.
During unfortunate events in my life, here is what I have learned so far in no order:
Cry. Don’t cry. Be upset. Be angry. Yes, feel and then make a deliberate decision to take the necessary steps to heal.
Do I need to know why? Yes. I find my why. I decide to acknowledge it. Learn from it. Sometimes I feel bad about it but, I move on into a productive action. Sometimes swiftly, sometimes eventually. If I am stuck I seek help. From God, friends, therapy, meditation, a book on what I am going through, etc.
Do I need to know why? No. Just keeping going I tell myself. The why will come later or it may never come. I still must keep going.
It just is. Deal with it now or later but, you must deal with it.
Do I know better? Then I must do better.
Helping others go through what I have experienced makes me feel good.
Survive the ordeal first then thrive.
Baby steps can turn into a brisk walk then a jog, then a run and then leaps and bound and now you are flying!!! This is thriving!
Dang, I’ve been through so much. I am still here. I am strong.
I don’t have to be strong all the time.
To love myself and to love others after what I’ve been through, going through is what being strong really is about. Bitterness makes me ugly. It makes me vulnerable to hate. I can hate what happened but, I can’t let hate reside in me.
Eat, Love, Pray, Meditate, Create.
Pain is energy. Energy can be transformed.
Let go. If it’s negative, bad for you.
Hold on. To yourself. To your children. To God. To Peace. To laughter.
Healing hurts. But letting a wound go unhealed hurts worse and could kill you dead (ha).
Some unfortunate events can lead you to a fortunate journey.
Before the relationship, you were determined not to fall for the “okie doke” again. You knew exactly what you were going to deal with and what you were not. You were vigilant about your values and you held your morals in high regard. Maybe you were routinely tending to your spiritual needs: meditation, reading or attending regularly a spiritual institution. You were focused on your goals and what really mattered. Suddenly you meet someone and now you are either barely holding on to what you built up while single or have completely abandoned all that you built. What happened?
I’d like to describe it as the watering down of you. Whiskey is strong because of the proof of alcohol in it. If you add water to a glass of it, it’s only as strong as the ratio of water added. So imagine it’s 70% water and 30% whiskey. A person that enters your life and is able to sway you away from what you have built or are building, to the point where it’s affecting your foundation: your thinking, your judgement, your sound mind and reasoning, your money, your peace, your priorities, is a person that is watering you down. You’ll be back to a breakdown in no time. Especially, if they are a good distraction.
Let me be frank, sex and gifts are an illusion. Sex and gifts, mixed with good game (lies, smooth talking, con artist language) will have you in a daze. Dazes don’t last long. When you come to, you just might find yourself in a hog pin doing laps in the mud when you thought you were doing laps in the pool.
An addition to your life is just that, an addition. The person knows how to add value and deepen morals. The person knows how to add water to the garden of your life and add some more flowers…you know, some things growing in a garden look green but they are really weeds! Too much water will kill the garden.
Don’t let your feelings overtake your head until you find yourself weak in your convictions of who you are, what you stand for, and who/what’s important to you.