Sunday Morning Coffee Musing: Relationship Confetti: It Will Be Easy, I Thought

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Let me guess. You’re a woman that has been single for a while and all this time you have been diligently working on yourself. You finally find a guy or the guy finally finds you and surprisingly you two are compatible. However, as time seems to go one you realize several things about him that you don’t particularly care for and some of them may be major (and perhaps he has done the same). However, you carefully decide if you want to “deal” with them and see if you two can work out the kinks. Great.

But, in the process you began to realize that with all the work you have done on yourself, some of the old you is still there. Triggers. Also, you now see that you have work to do on yourself as well. Two things will keep sink or float a relationship like this: A person that is not willing to work together to improve the relationship and a person you are so unequally (yoked) out of balanced with it would be better to preserve the woman you have become than to deal with the turmoil ahead. This person has not even began to THINK about doing the work on themselves, growing, or changing. Depending on your age and tolerance, dealing with a person like that can bring you down.

I thought I would meet someone on my level in EVERY way. I thought it would be easy. I am learning that even if you are compatible 90% the 10%, if major can keep you out of harmony. I am learning that I share some of the 10%. (Or whatever percentage it may be. I am just throwing out numbers.) I don’t know if it’s going to last, but I intend to do the work to find out. We often see these “power” couples and think they are so happy. We often see these Facebook couples and they are only posting the good and not the bad (I mean it’s their business and we would probably have something to say about that, too). In the meantime, I will keep praying my way through like I have been doing and letting things unfold naturally.

~Nikki

Single Life: Dealing with Resurfacing Fears or An Out of the Blue One

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As I muddle through life and navigate this single life aspect, I often forget about some of the fears that once tormented me in relationships. Well, I think this may happen to those of us who have been single for a while. It may also be the reason while some can’t find a mate and the same reasons some don’t want to be in a relationship ever again.

As I drifted in and out of sleep last night, a funny thing happened. I started to think about after the dating phase and the possibility of a relationship, the things I may have to deal with again. What if the guy is a flirt or has numerous female friends and associates? I thought to myself, “Nah, I don’t want to do that again.” Shutters. I think of the drama and trauma and accusations that circle around “What’s the problem with him having so many female friends or being a flirt?” “Are you insecure? You must be.”  Well, I have dealt with all of the reasons I feel the way I feel about dating a big flirt and a man that has a boatload of women as associates. I can sum it up as saying, it’s not my cup of tea. After years of dealing and healing with the underline causes, and some of it is common sense and personal preferences, it came up last night. I thought I was done being concerned with that.

Well, the more I mulled it over in the day time, I realized, there is nothing to be concerned about because I don’t have to accept a big flirt or a guy with numerous women as friends and associates with behavior that makes me uncomfortable. Right. I have a choice. And one reason I remain single is because I know what things I can deal with and what things I cannot. I can no longer be coaxed, manipulated, talked into things I know just don’t work for me. And after all, is this not what the dating phase should reveal? And it shouldn’t take long into the relationship to discover if you’ve been bamboozled. No, not at my age. False alarm. I was worried about nothing.

I think it’s normal to have these things, whatever your things are, to come up from time to time when considering getting into the dating game. I think it’s important to be rational and to address any issues you may not have fully dealt with or just the ones that resurface.

~Nikki

Single Life Confetti: Dear Journal

Dear Journal,

What the hell was I thinking going out there in the cesspool of the dating pool? AGAIN. I can’t swim. I should have just stayed on the edge of the pool dangling my feet in the water and heck, even they can be bait for sharks! Exhale.

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Where is my towel? I dry myself off from inconsistency, a pattern of disappearing on the weekends, excuses, and an emotional attachment to an ex. Yuck! I need a shower. “Someone call a bus!” (Random. I’ve been watching a Blue Bloods marathon 😀 )

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When you have been dating as long as I have you either are going to cycle in the same mistakes or mature and spiral up and out. You are either going to recognize what’s going on and ignore it or find power in the choice to see it and leave it. Yes. Have patience and “see” and then once you see it, believe it, and leave it. Now, back to my shower. I need to shower in silence and distance. I need to cleanse my psyche of that person being a possibility for now or forever. It just depends. I am open, but I don’t stay open to foolishness or a person that is not ready for dating seriously. And that does not make them a bad person (well the one that is not ready and has issues to resolve), it just makes them not a good match for me. It doesn’t make me perfect and without issues, it just makes me unwilling to put myself through the drama and trauma. Let’s face it. I’ve had enough at 43. I should know what I can handle and what I can’t.

Thanks Journal. You always listen without judging me!

~Nikki

The Single Confetti Life Continues

 

 

 

 

TGIF. Thank God I’m Free.

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Being Single is a status, becoming WHOLE is the part that requires WORK. But, the benefits of being whole allows you to SET FOLKS FREE & SET YOURSELF FREE without so much drama & trauma. Sometimes it hurts and sometimes it’s a “gtfoh” epitome. -Nicole D. Jackson

~Nikki

RE-Blog: A Great Blog Post for Married Couples and Singles

My wife is one of the best people I know. And hot. Still, marriage is one of the hardest things I’ve ever attempted. It’s that way for everyone. I’ve never met anyone who’s been married longer than 10 years who hasn’t considered divorce at some point. There were a few times in the early years […]

via What Almost 20 Years of Marriage Finally Taught Me About the Worst Parts of Marriage — Peace Hacks

Something About Boaz

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It’s a good thing Boaz didn’t look at how much money Ruth could bring to the table. When he saw her getting the scraps and found out her story, instead of judging her, he saw that what she could bring to the table was priceless. Loyalty exceeding death, beyond bloodlines, doing what she had to do, commitment and the ability to love and labor for those she loved. He would have missed out. #SomeThingAboutBoaz

The Sweet 16 Flashback, Flash Forward

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When I first found out I was pregnant, I was filled with fear. I didn’t know what to do. I was not married, the daughter of a pastor, and the father of the child broke up with me to be with his long time, off and on, high school sweetheart while my heart was shattered into a thousand pieces. I was in my mid twenties, making decent money, and free to change my mind, location, and clothes at a whim. My sister was the first one to know and the first one to support whatever decision I wanted to make. You see, the shame of being a single mother in the church and in the world, AND a black woman, was and is tremendous for some of us. Also, the double standards are real today just as much as they were 16 years ago. You know, women who have children out of wedlock are heavily criticized and penalized in the church and in society. The man goes scotch free pretty much to be promoted in the church and in the world. However, I found out my dad did not share the same view of the church as he told me “That’s my grandchild and we will do whatever we can to help you and the baby.” Also, through a prophesy a woman told me “God never made a mouth that he could not feed.” I am sure she sense my worry of provision.

I didn’t know the entire time I was carrying my child if I would have a boy or a girl. The second decision I made after deciding to keep my child was to arm myself with as much knowledge about being pregnant and parenting. I wanted to know all about the stages of a developing child during and after. I ate right M-Saturday noon and I had what I wanted Saturday evening and Sunday. I remember thinking, if something is wrong with my baby when he or she is born , I can have a clear conscious it was not my fault. It’s the same way I parent. Be strict when I need to, discipline if I need to, be flexible enough to try a different method if what I am doing is not working, education first, God is a must, admit when I am wrong, have fun, protect, loosen the rope of parenthood and give her more freedom at the appropriate time, be okay with her being mad at me, not understanding why I say no sometimes, because I have to be able to know I am doing the right thing and she will not like it or me all the time, but she will still love me and thank me later. Do all of that and more, so that when she flies the nest I can say, I did the VERY BEST I could.

So here we are at 16. She’s sleeping late like any teenager during spring break. Her room is messy. She’s a smart girl with good grades, a good heart, a funny child with a uncanny sense of humor, wise at times and naive at other times, you know….just a child growing up. She’s enjoyed her first trip to Atlanta, the World of Coca Cola, the Georgia Aquarium (saw a dolphin show), and shopped until “I” dropped. I gladly forked over my money, my family made accommodations and sacrifices to make the trip possible (as I am not working due to permanent health issues). I forgo my usual birthday plans happily (we share the same birthday month and our birthdays are three days apart) for her happiness and a memory of her Sweet 16 she will never forget.

Single Life Confetti: Loving Yourself Beyond Treating Yourself

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She said “I do love myself. I get my hair done, I get my nails done, I take myself out to nice places, you know, I treat myself.” Yet, she continues in a job she hates, she moves from man to man, she allows the mistreatment of her heart, mind, and body. She is unfulfilled spiritually and goes through the motions as a single parent. Question: Has it ever occurred to you that loving yourself goes DEEPER than an hour long mani and pedi? Beyond expensive purses and exotic trips?

Those things are surface and fine. However, I urge you to search for a deeper love of self that involves self worth, self esteem building and fulfilling your destiny. I urge to a deeper connection to being in the present moment with your child/children if you are single parent. I urge you to a commitment to living in the now. Seek healing from the past wounds. Discover what is you want, need and desires in a relationship and don’t accept anything less that God given. Define what a healthy relationship to you. What are your values and your morals and grow your roots in them. Take care of your body via exercise and healthier choices. Invest in quality time with the religion you have chosen. TREAT YOURSELF to a JOYFUL, expanding life and not fleeting happiness or relationships (friendships or “workships”) that are everything you DON’T desire.

~Nikki

 

 

 

The Ugly Moments of Single-dom

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When I first saw this, I thought to myself, I can relate. I never cared for the hoax of “I am single and I 100% enjoy it, 100% of the time, and I never ever have lonely moments or times when I want to through in the towel” type of single people. Or the “Sure, I get lonely, but you’ll never know it” type. I like real single people with ups and downs. I like real single people that can encourage, but say hey, I had a bad day, week, month. I like single people like me!

The other night, I don’t know what came over me. I was thinking way too much and feeling way too much. I said, “You know what? I give up! I’m never going to find someone or someone will never find me. This is taking forever! Just forget it!” I turned off the computer and I went to bed. All kinds of crazy thoughts bombarded me. I kept telling myself, I had the ability to respond to this situation….so respond. It took me some time to pull my disheveled emotions together.

“Okay, what is the root of this madness?”

You have to answer yourself honestly to get to the root. SO I went through some BS answers and got to the root…”You’re lonely. Things are not working out with the guys you are coming across, you are tired. You are upset.”

Now, “Do you want to just continue the self destructive talk and talk about this in the morning or do you want to try to handle it now?”

I chose now because I needed some sleep.

1. Deal with the self destructive talk. Are these things true about myself that I am saying? Are these things that I am spewing about myself coming from insecurity, frustration,  or has someone said those things to me in the past? If so, is that person relevant now? If it is true I can fix it. If it’s not true then what is true? Speak those things about myself! (I did!I started feeling better instantly. But, I had to come out of that place of frustration).

2. Breathe. No really. Three deep breaths. Yoga. Breaths for clearing.

3. Now, reassess. “You’re having a meltdown. A single’s temper tantrum.You want what you want and you want it yesterday. It’s not happening now. It’s like 10:45 P.M. and you’re home in the bed. It may happen tomorrow. You should give up! You should give up for the night and get some rest. You should give up trying to make something happen before it’s time, AGAIN. You can’t force it. If you did, it wouldn’t last or you would be miserable forever. So, you know none of that stuff you said about you is true. Reaffrim the good things, the good qualities…and chill.” Then I prayed. And that was it! (still had to settle in).

Look, some of us will never be the poster child for the strong confident single woman/man. It’s too much pressure for me. 95% of the time, use to be about 50%, then it kept rising as I kept learning, I am okay. Other times, not so much. I don’t mind. It makes me reachable and relatable and I love to encourage others from a realistic point of view.

~Nikki