The obvious choice is to be single but, if we are to be honest with ourselves we often prolong the inevitable way past a relationship’s expiration date or we delay ending dating/involvement with a person when alarming signs are glaringly red. Why? Is it fear? Is it that some of us are just as miserable alone with ourselves as we are in a relationship (whatever kind of situation-ship you have)? Is it that we are afraid to speak up or afraid to hurt/disappoint the other person? Ourselves? As in, we thought we had it right this time or we could handle it this time? I think all of those are reasons why and I am certain there are many more.
As you may or may not know, I like being as honest as possible about these things because I believe the only way to heal and connect to others is to be honest, not perfect. I was miserable alone at some point in my life as much as I was miserable in relationships because I had NOT understood what it was truly like to love myself and to know myself. I can tell you another time (or just read some of my blogs) about those journeys to get there. However, I have reached a point where being single is not misery but, it does have lonely times. And yet, I stutter, pause, waiver, my anxiety increases, on just when and where to say, “Hey, this is not working for me.” After thoroughly ruling out bull “stuff” reasons I finally arrived at the root of why I lose my nerve and voice with ending this potential fiasco: I don’t want to be the WEAK ONE and I don’t want to be WRONG.
It has nothing to do with being single but, everything to do with admitting to myself and Spirit all along that I was wrong…AGAIN. I KNEW I should have steered clear. And to the other person that seems to be handling our involvement so well, I don’t want to end such a seemingly good thing as being the weak one that couldn’t handle her “feelings.” This is when I realize I have more work to do. What’s wrong with having feelings? NOTHING. However, given the friends and associates I have had in my circle they have made me feel, along with past relationships that having feelings or not being able to handle MISTREATMENT or EMOTIONS was a WEAK thing. Yes, society, relationships, religion and friendships have done a number on us all. Including you. We associate how much you can take of mistreatment with how much you love a person and how STRONG you are. LIES. And I think from the abuser of emotions they tend to think “She or he must really love me because I am doing all of this stuff and they are still there! I guess someday I will stop to show them just how much I love them, too.” Twisted thinking.
So, as I put my BIG GIRL PANTIES on and say, “Hey, I think we should just be cool. This is not working for me” and watch him sail on to the next “all willy nilly” and carefree, I will also be carefree and “all willy nilly” in my emotions again. It’s better than being ignored, dealing with inconsistency, and immaturity in this case.
Being Single is a status, becoming WHOLE is the part that requires WORK. But, the benefits of being whole allows you to SET FOLKS FREE & SET YOURSELF FREE without so much drama & trauma. Sometimes it hurts and sometimes it’s a “gtfoh” epitome. -Nicole D. Jackson
I was 30 years old when I made the statement, “My peace of mind means everything to me” and it was after a terrible relationship but, it would take another 8 years, a process before I would be able to truly mean it.
My wife is one of the best people I know. And hot. Still, marriage is one of the hardest things I’ve ever attempted. It’s that way for everyone. I’ve never met anyone who’s been married longer than 10 years who hasn’t considered divorce at some point. There were a few times in the early years […]
via What Almost 20 Years of Marriage Finally Taught Me About the Worst Parts of Marriage — Peace Hacks
It’s a good thing Boaz didn’t look at how much money Ruth could bring to the table. When he saw her getting the scraps and found out her story, instead of judging her, he saw that what she could bring to the table was priceless. Loyalty exceeding death, beyond bloodlines, doing what she had to do, commitment and the ability to love and labor for those she loved. He would have missed out. #SomeThingAboutBoaz
She said “I do love myself. I get my hair done, I get my nails done, I take myself out to nice places, you know, I treat myself.” Yet, she continues in a job she hates, she moves from man to man, she allows the mistreatment of her heart, mind, and body. She is unfulfilled spiritually and goes through the motions as a single parent. Question: Has it ever occurred to you that loving yourself goes DEEPER than an hour long mani and pedi? Beyond expensive purses and exotic trips?
Those things are surface and fine. However, I urge you to search for a deeper love of self that involves self worth, self esteem building and fulfilling your destiny. I urge to a deeper connection to being in the present moment with your child/children if you are single parent. I urge you to a commitment to living in the now. Seek healing from the past wounds. Discover what is you want, need and desires in a relationship and don’t accept anything less that God given. Define what a healthy relationship to you. What are your values and your morals and grow your roots in them. Take care of your body via exercise and healthier choices. Invest in quality time with the religion you have chosen. TREAT YOURSELF to a JOYFUL, expanding life and not fleeting happiness or relationships (friendships or “workships”) that are everything you DON’T desire.
There is a song that comes to mind by a legendary group named Maze (Frankie Beverly and Maze), with a chorus that says “After the morning after, and after the night before, when all of the fun is over, will you still want me anymore?” Now, I am a bit of a realest when it comes to being single, my past-present-NOW in that area, how much I share is at my discretion, and if I feel it will help you I will share and be honest.
We live in a world where one night stands and false promises of “let’s see” how things go AFTER you give a man your body run rampant. Often ending in no relationships, but just relations. I know to some your body, your sex, may be nothing to give away at all. It’s nothing but a roll in the hay for the liberated woman and I am so fine with that for you. However, for those of us that simply want more, well, we value our bodies in a different way. We don’t want to lay down with ANY body or EVERY body to “fulfill” the pleasure of the body and to wake up the next morning still “feeling” the want for something much more and something long lasting. There is no greater relief than avoiding the octopus arms and charms of a man and to find out a few weeks later he wasn’t all that interesting or interested in you. He was only after one thing. The calls dwindle. The conversations lulls. The avoidance is obvious. And you say to yourself, “Whew! Dodged a bullet!”
The temptation to give in when what you really want is more than a roll in the hay, what you really want is a serious relationship, what you really want is a lifetime, is the vicious cycle of being in the moment and waking up to an awful feeling. I’d rather get to know the person FIRST. I don’t want to take a chance with my body or my emotions too soon. I am fine with that meaning I am picky about who I want to sleep with. I am fine with that meaning I may not be his chosen one because I didn’t give up the goods sooner rather than later. I am fine if that is labeled as old fashioned. I just want others who feel that way to be fine with it, too and to know there are other women who are not so liberated in that area with their bodies or emotions.