Our ears take in so much information from the outside world including the people we associate with. What about our internal dialogue that waters and feeds not only what we receive from the outside and how we interpret those things and the things that happen (or are happening) to us? At some point in life we began to filter out these things and if you are taking on a deeper dive into discovering, nurturing, growing the real you, you are pulling up the weeds of those things you find that stunt your growth. You are trying to use some of those things as fertilizers and others to strengthen and beautify your garden.
Now, you may have heard of the scripture that says faith comes by hearing and hearing by the Word of God. You may have heard it interpreted many ways and you are about to “read” it interpreted in another way. This is the scripture that came to mind for me as I listened to Dr. Wayne Dyer this week via YouTube. A word, a message, at the right time in your life can build your faith, increase your strength, give you the extra life in your life to go on. To do. To be. It wasn’t a traditional message from a religious leader and I have no problem with that because one, my father is my religious leader, and two, where would I be without all of the religious leaders that have helped me to grow and heal? Some may even consider me a religious leader. I don’t know who, but I don’t see myself as a religious anything. This WORD from whom I call God, comes via many avenues for me. Choosing the right things to hear from Dr. Wayne Dyer or choosing the right things to read from my Bible or my bookshelf is pertinent to my personal growth. As well as choosing if what I hear makes it to my heart or gets recycled back into the atmosphere as useable energy (I will tell you how I am learning to do that later).
If you are feeling weak in your faith, uncertain in your destiny, I suggest you secure and strengthen your faith by choosing to hear the right things, say the right things to your self, and read the right things. Maybe, even do the right things. Tune out, discard, anything that is in contrary to what you KNOW doesn’t confirm or inform that light on the inside of you.
Saturday, I had my first opportunity as a vendor for my crocheted items. It was an awesome opportunity to gain experience, meet new customers, and network with other vendors who are also African American. It has nothing to do with exclusion, but it has everything to do with building and creating opportunities for crafts, small businesses, exposure, and financial gains for businesses that are often overlooked or unheard of. We are also able to keep each other informed on bigger craft shows and opportunities to support each other. This is a plus for ALL women as we began to included each other and support each other’s ventures. Friendships and partnerships are often made.
My next vendor adventure will be a very big one at the Colonial Park Church in my city. It is a Fall Festival I have always known about before I began to crochet. I have never been, but it’s a family friendly event that involves the entire community. Needless to say, but saying it anyway, I am anxious about it. I was very anxious about the one I did yesterday and nervous because it was my first time. I was filled with doubt and prepared myself that if I didn’t sell one thing I had at least taken the first step. I had no idea how to set my table up so I reached out to other crafters, women from all over the world that gave me tips, shared pictures, and some that never did a craft show but wanted to wish me luck and pray that I sell boat loads as one said. I did sell some things and I was pleased with the outcome! I was pleased to network and purchase from two other vendors. I was pleased to meet new customers. I was pleased that I was offered more opportunities. I am now less anxious about next Saturday. I had to talk to myself the entire time I was on the way there. Therapy helps. I used the tools I was given and was able to calm my anxiety.
Afterwards, I had to pack up and get things back in the car. Here is where RA/RD and fibromyalgia is major factor. Well, that morning I had no help to load my car. My daughter was with her father. When I arrived, I had some help getting things out, then I had to set up on my own, break it down on my own, and I had help loading my car. But, when I got home, guess what? I had to take some things out and the other stuff is still in there. My body was so sore and achy BEFORE I even left the event or began to pack up. This was from just loading up everything to get there. Needless to say, the rest of the evening I was incredibly sore and I had to take pain medication for my pain. Sunday, was a little bit better and today is much better physically except my hands are still achy and I have been having some shoulder and back issues before all of this. BUT, I am so proud of myself to push past anxiety, my shyness (believe it or not), and put my side hobby out there. And it helped to have the support of a crafting community, friends, and family that cheered me on. This one reason I try to cheer others on. I know how important it is.
43; The It Is Well Within Tour: I’ve been thinking about this for a long time, and I suppose this is long enough. We often subject ourselves to certain environments unnecessarily when our psyche or spirits scream no. And I get that we have to sometimes. I get that we do it out of obligation and loyalty. You can’t simply blanket “no” or “no more” to everything you don’t want to do. If that were the case, you would not have a career. Dinner would not be made. Etc. But, many times it’s a sometimes too often that drains the life and light out of you. In order for me to live this “It Is Well Within Tour” for 43 it’s some cities I can’t tour in. It’s some tables I can’t sit at. It’s some pews I can’t sit in. I have to value my mind and spirit on this level. It’s self abuse to my mind and spirit. I owe my mind. I owe my spirit. I owe it my truth.
I get up and go to Sunday School because I like to learn and I enjoy being part of the lively discussions. I do not always like the spirit of the one that teaches Sunday School when they teach Sunday School. I am going to put it like this, today was the worst I have ever seen the teacher’s response to a question asked and an idea presented that total went against the “doctrine.” She gave it the old “Don’t question God, the Bible, don’t add or take away from the Word” answer that many religious teachers give when they don’t know the answer or don’t like your “thoughts” on the matter. It got worse and carried on way after Sunday School as the teacher felt she was vindicated by the Pastor. She began to give fake praise and worship. I was nauseous as I often am when she puts on these type of shows.
After sitting there 45 minutes into 11AM service, uncomfortable with all that had occurred, trying to convince myself to stay or else suffer the wrath of God for leaving, I left. (Note, I do get why we think like this. It’s called mind control of the masses and it has worked very well throughout slavery and even now in churches and synagogues for centuries.) This person has a habit of not wanting to be wrong when they are obviously wrong and would rather blame everyone else. It’s madness. Then on the ride home I had to talk myself out of feeling “guilty” about doing what was right for me which was leaving and possibly limiting my Sunday School attendance. When the person saw me leave, they texted me and wanted to know if I could do them a favor. I told the I could not. Afterwards, I went on to take myself out to eat and I am now home resting from an extremely exhausting, but profitable yesterday and an unexpected debt paid today which is also profitable to my well being.
Memphis has several farmer’s market during the week. I often get out on a Saturday morning, bright and early. Last Saturday I called my mom as I often do to see if she wants to go. She is a country girl by heart and loves fresh fruit and vegetables straight from the farmer as my grandfather was a farmer. He farmed right here in the city of Memphis until the day he passed a way. I remember shelling peas, picking vegetables from the garden and being afraid to go down the rows of corn. As we got older and would visit our grandparents, you were required to take something back home to your parents. Something from the garden like a watermelon, cantaloupe, tomatoes, or some canned good. My parents told me to never say no, just take it. I do the same with them now. I just take whatever they send home with me.
On my mom’s list was fresh peas and a cabbage. I wanted whatever fancied me. I like to be surprised and try new things. I also try to visit each table and buy something from a variety of farmers. They were ready for fall and wrapping up all the of summer fruits and veggies. I will be going back this weekend to grab a few more things to chop and freeze for the winter. I love the market feel.
It’s also time spent with my mom and afterwards we usually make a few more stops at different grocery stores or shopping just to see what we can find.
Fall was definitely in the air! I bought some gourds for decorations. I like the white pumpkins as well and just having the variety of pumpkins were cool.
Plenty of canned goods, peppers, baked pastries, natural cleaning supplies, pottery, and fresh flowers were available. Oh and I almost forgot the green apples are so good from one of the farmers. I have to go back and get those.
I am tired. I am worn. I am wounded and run ragged. It turns out that I am human. I know it. Does everyone else know it? It doesn’t seem like they notice I am burned out. Is it not obvious from the flame coming out of my ears? What about the way my body moves in the early mornings and late nights? Can they tell? Do they care?
It has been a very long two weeks. I’ve had very good days, but more bad days and a few very bad days. Yesterday evening was a very bad day. I have not had much time to myself and I am not sure that is what I need. Anxiety seems to pile up and heap on top of me at moments of financial decisions and the future of my well being and as my daughter’s graduation from high school slowly approaches. I worry about my mother who has obvious issues to me, but none to my siblings. I get angry about my father’s Parkinson’s Disease. I cannot sleep and when I do it’s not as restful so I take a sleep aide and I sleep too long (even with it spit four ways). I have not heard back from my therapist as I have missed an appointment. I call, I leave a message, and silence. I have been journaling nothing but frustrations.
Yesterday evening after an outing with my mother who is very high strung and nervous like, after taking my daughter to and from ACT prep, taking her to and picking her up from a birthday party, I was in very bad shape. I called my mother and told her I would not be at church tomorrow. I do not want to go anywhere, do anything. I am tired of everything. I told my daughter she could get the dishes. Fix her own breakfast in the morning, fix lunch and dinner for us. Also, said I wish I had someone to take care of me. What about me? Yes, unselfishly, what about me? Oh, the Lord will take care of you. I know that. Do you know that I am not talking about that? I would like to be taken care of and not because I having a melt down, but because we all want to be taken care of in times of trouble by another human being instead of always being that human being who does the “fixing” and taking care of.
If you have ever shopped Dillard’s for the Cabernet Bra Line you know by now they stopped making them. I was in the store when I discovered this and had a mini meltdown. It was the affordable line (and by affordable I mean under $45) and it was a good everyday bra. I was not willing or able to pay an arm and a leg for boobs. Oh I know it takes more material, etc. etc. for us with big breasts. I get it. We are just now on the verge of beautiful colors and prints. I had been searching for alternatives and saving up for another bra. Yes, saving up. I bought one from a plus size store. It fits, but it hurts after a few hours. Even specialty stores didn’t have my size and when they did…an arm and a leg.
Well, I was in Dillard’s last night and it popped in my head (via the Holy Spirit maybe? Sheer intelligence and curiosity?) to ask the sales lady, “So, what replaced the Cabernet Bra Line?” She said “Oh, Dillard’s has come out with the Modern Movement Bra Line to replace their Cabernet Bra. You should have seen the heavens open up, light shine down around us, and angels sing when she said this to me. She guided me to the line and explained everything. I tried one on and I was “well pleased” enough to buy two!
Here is my review:
The bras have been redesigned and reconstructed for better support and comfort. The red circle shows a different in stitch and I am no expert, but I believe this is to help with the lift. Also, the material is different and better in my un-humble opinion. The stretchy redesign on the side of the bra, under the armpit is fantastic and provides stretch and comfort. I like this because one of my boobs is slightly bigger than the other. And with this bra it adjusted immediately! No more adjusting that one boob!
Slightly wider straps. Just enough to secure. And on the inside of the bra is extra material. This was not in any of the old bras. I am not sure the purpose, but I am sure the designer knows what she/he is doing.
Immediately, you will notice the different design. It is almost like a M shape. When I stepped in front of the mirror I was delighted. And did I mention the material is different? They also have gotten the wireless version in that was so popular with many. I am going to try it, too. I haven’t had much faith in wireless bras.
You can order online if there is not a Dillard’s near you!
Thank you, Dillard’s. Thank you so much!
I am grateful for another morning. I rise with power (after coffee lol but really I rise with power before coffee). Power to do right. Power to love right. Power to get wealth. Power to be my authentic self in a world that wants me to “do me” but not unless I do me like them? Power to be soft and bold. Good Morning. Don’t know where all of that came from but I flowed with it.