It’s down right ugly the mood I am in. This war in my head and heart after my second hearing this year only to have the judge subpoena more records and a test to prove worsening conditions. I thought we had what he wanted. I thought we had enough. My anxiety was already through the roof and I’d had a panic attack before I even arrived this morning. I thought it was going to be over today. Needless to say, I bolted out of there and cried like I needed to in the car. I am so very tired. Over three years of struggling to survive and to stay sane.
I trusted God as I have throughout this process. It seems as if we were nearing the end. I feel like the rug was pulled away from under me. I feel heavily disappointed. Angry. Pissed. Exhausted. But, not defeated. I feel as I want to pull away from the rest of the world and at the same time I wish someone would console me. But, I don’t want them to see me crying. You know, crying in this world is a sign of weakness to most (NOT ME) and it makes people uncomfortable (NOT ME). In my not so humble but, honest opinion the only reason people feel that way is because they feel weak themselves when they cry and the are in fact uncomfortable with their own feelings.
So, here I am. Weary. Wounded and Sad. But unwilling to stop trusting God for a favorable outcome. I am confused. I don’t know why all of this has happened to me or is happening. I do know I did nothing wrong. It was not because of sin (rolls eyes). It just is a part of my journey. My story. So, as I try to figure out how to keep the lights on, pay for a cavity fill in my insurance doesn’t cover, pay my rent, pay other bills, and STILL be pleasant to others, I have to feel what I am feeling. I have to go through the thicket that has thorns. I remember the sticker bush at parents house and getting knocked into it playing or trying to hide and having to squeeze through it and another bush. No matter how you tried to get around or through it you were scratched up. There is just no way around pain sometimes. Only through it.
If you seem to be off track in your thinking and emotions, if you are questioning life, if anxiety is running wild and depression is on the prowl, I am going to ask you what was asked of me: Are you reading anything that keeps you grounded or growing? Well, it wasn’t asked of me like that but, that’s how I took it. And my answer was: “No. I haven’t “felt” like reading.” This coming from an author and avid reader.
Well, pick up a daily devotional and take a moment to read it and as you go about your day reflect. If you are like me, one with a heavily distracted mind as of late, I have to read it a few times through out the day. I feel like I am cleaning the cobwebs out of my mind or third eye. I also have a really good thought provoking book that I want to get into and I am going to after getting back into the routine of daily reading and meditating more.
Each year God or Spirit directs me to books to buy and some I just find interesting. I never know when I am going to read some of them but, I know when the time is right those books are for me. This year, the one I am using as a daily devotion and for my “43: All is Well Within Journey” is this one:
I also have decided to start back taking key points that resonate with me or I want to remember and put them on my mirror. I can focus on them as I do my morning routine or nightly routine. Reading something significant helps improve your mind and spirit. If you can improve your mind (mental state/health) and spirit, you can improve your quality of life.
For the past 3 years I have been struggling, wrestling with life and gaining this invaluable wisdom. I often have to create happiness and it doesn’t come easy in the trenches of this journey. However, something about 43 seems promising and that in itself makes me feel effortlessly really, really good about 43. I feel this easy optimism concerning my life. There has always been a light at the end of the tunnel and as I say I am the light in the tunnel. I think I am just closer and I can feel fresh wind. I can breathe fresh air. Soon, I will have a 360 degree view of a better life and more work to do as I build something new.
And what I also feel about 43 is the fullness of the responsibility and freedom of this is my life. I choose. You don’t choose. My religion doesn’t choose. I choose. I get to boldly live it. I get to boldly do it. Psalms 43 talks about a vindication by God. I am feeling I just may very well be vindicated by God and if I can be vindicated by God then what would I need with anyone’s approval? Whew….
43. This odd number. This oddly refreshing stage. This reset. This work of manifest destiny. This optimism. This love by design and choice. This freestyle. This get all back and make some more. This nope, I don’t want that. This nope, I don’t want to do that. This nope, I change my mind. This yes, above all things I prosper and be in peace.
I call 43-“The Journey is Well Within.” Enough soul work has been done so that I might LIVE peacefully among myself. Yet, until we leave this realm there will be more to do.
Today my daughter turns 17. 17! I remember the day and the days ahead were filled with concern as to how I would survive this world with a child and as a single parent. I look at her and think, “Wow. You’re actually okay. I am doing pretty good as a parent. Somehow. It’s a miracle!” Somehow by the grace of God, the foundation of firm principles laid by my parents, wisdom I ask for almost daily, and through trial, error, and experience she’s a pretty good young lady. There is no perfect parenting because there is no perfect parent. However, I try to make sure I am doing the best I can.
I take an active approach to improving not only myself as a person but, myself as a parent. Am I being the best parent I can be? What can I learn to help me? What can do differently? Did I say I was sorry? Did I say I was wrong? I read. I pray about it, too and ask for guidance. I approach every year by trying to remember what it was like to be 17. I read any article about being 17. I stay up on trends and current issues. I like to be “in the know” about what she knows. And I do my best to guide this leg of her journey. However, I have started to prepare myself for letting go and being more of the guide and not the driver. I think I may have started her first year in high school more so than middle school. (It’s never going to be easy no matter how much you prepare! And you’re never going to really let go!)
Some parents seem to believe that when their children turn 18 they are an adult and you let them go. You turn them loose. You let them do whatever they want to do. You are done. I beg to differ. They need you all the more in their young adulthood but, in a different capacity. Whether they listen or not, is totally up to them. Hopefully, we have established a good enough relationship, and I believe we have, that we can at least have the conversations needed in certain times. She’s pretty honest about how she feels. I asked her how does she feel being 17. Nervous? Getting close to being independent? She said yes. I told her she will be fine. I would be there to help. To push. To prod. To fuss. 🙂 To teach. To learn with her. Things have changed. We have to adjust as parents and we have to know when to hold to certain principles, values, and morals. I am thinking person. Analytical, logical, and emotional. (Ha!). And because we have to do so much as a parent other than clothe, feed, and shelter, this is why it’s impossible to get everything right.
However we end up intertwined with other people’s problems, our adult children, friends, family, parents or coworkers, at some point, when it’s an ongoing problem they refuse to fix, we have to bow out. The bow out may not be gracefully. It may be a barging out, a tip toeing out, or a slow walk backwards in order to preserve our sanity, our own happiness, and to enjoy the rest of the life we have on this earth.
Spring is almost here and it’s time to at least begin the process of putting away fall/winter decor, getting rid of excessive items, and pulling out some of your spring clothing items while putting away your heavy coats. It’s a back and forth on clothing items until spring settle ins. Also, for many it’s time to plant and get their yard prepped. I am renting the condo I am in and I have not been in the mood to plant a garden here. However, it is a definite need to keep the small yard cut and weeded. I have never seen a weed problem like this one in my life! I will opt for potted plants.
My home always has a beachy theme or feel. My favorite colors are in the turquoise family. However, I wanted less of the turquoise and more of something else. I was ready to go out of my comfort zone for the living room/downstairs area. I went with the leftover royal blue glasses and the new color apple green. I am still working on the details, adding in some different variations of the colors, and keeping a hint of the beach present. EVERYTHING remaining inexpensive, clearance, dollar store finds, under $20, and reusing what I already have. A can of spray paint can do wonders for items you find that do not match your decor or items you are almost sick of looking at. Paint them and then next year you can sell them, paint them again or give them away.
In the photo above the plates and glasses were purchaed from the Dollar Tree. The napkins and mats were on clearance at Steinmart. I bought the apples from Michael’s. The painting was created by me!
The photo below: The Relax sign was $3 from Target and the green dog was 50% off from At Home store and so is the winker round/cone shape thing. Everything else is what I already had.
So far downstairs this is all I have done. I have learned to start early as I can tire easily or flare up. So, I go with the flow and when the flow is high I max it out and when it’s low I get a few things crossed off the list like taking down pictures or dusting and organizing or getting magazines ready for recycling. One thing I have found with this decorating scheme is I don’t have as much as I though I had to make it complete. I will have to scavenge clearance and low cost items to make it solid. I really want a few rugs. We will see!