Sunday Morning Coffee Musings:The Something Good Jar

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So, I have been organizing, de-cluttering, and throwing away things in my room. It has been, and still is a task that can last days depending on what’s going in life and with my health. So, I was dusting and reorganizing my dresser and emptied out this jar of #somethinggood notes. I started it in January of this year and many times I forgot to add things. But, when I did open up some of the notes, I smiled. My heart felt delighted. I laughed. So, I decided that I would commit to this again, but starting in December of this year to December of next year. Here are a few of the notes:

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There we more good things that happened this year. My daughter went off to college and she had all A’s her first semester. One of my books has been copyrighted. Some of my art sold in a charity auction and I earned a percentage. Some of my art is in an art gallery. I saw Jonathan Butler in concert with Kirk Whalum. I saw Norman Brown (my favorite jazz guitarist) and many more in concert. Talk about “fanning out!” and unexpectedly! I did more craft shows, in wonderful venues, and sold way more crocheted items and my art was noticed there as well.

All of these seemingly small things were hidden under a cloud of that “one bad thing that happened.” And even as the year closes out, something good is happening But, I will leave that written on a piece of paper to be put in the jar at the appointed time. In the meantime, I have a feeling there were be so many more SOMETHING GOODS that will go in to this jar for me to look back on at the end of next December.

~Nikki

Sunday Morning Coffee Musings: Anxiety; Time & Space

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What’s the last thing you need when you’re coming down from a big disappointment? You guessed it.  Another disappointment. Granted it was minor in the bigger scheme of things, but I also look at the fact that I am a highly sensitive person that feels things on levels many do not. I also factor in that it takes me longer to “be okay” about certain things, to process it all. Even small things.

I first decided that I was not upset, but that I was disappointed. The infraction appeared to be unintentional. There’s this quote that says “Accept the fact that some people didn’t intend to let you down. Their best is just less than you expected.” -Thema Davis. I think the person could have handled it better and I sense there is something else going on. When this happened I was really disturbed and plagued with all sorts of negative thoughts about myself, life, and this of course spurred anxious thoughts. I went to bed after meditating only to be awaken by noise in the attic (A squirrel. I guess.) Yesterday was tough, a beast to deal with. I cleaned, washed, cooked, but all day was a battle of the mind and mood swings. I was glad my daughter was invited to a party later in the evening and spent the night with friends. This is the holiday season, a joyous time, and I was growing weary from trying to “be okay.”

I can’t rush my feelings to get to the I am okay segment. But what I can do is do everything I can to assist it to an at peace state. Challenge or question the thoughts in my mind. Are the thoughts true? If they are then what is the solution, action, to change them? Maybe the action is to “not do that again.” Maybe the solution is to remove the person from life. Maybe, give the person the benefit of the doubt, extend grace and mercy. Maybe the best thing to do if affirmations aren’t working, scripture isn’t working, meditation isn’t working, etc. is to SHOW MYSELF COMPASSION AND PATIENCE. DING DING DING.

Compassion and patience is what I need to get to the other side of this. It sounds like this: “My god Nicole. It’s no wonder you’re taking this so hard. Look at what happened to you this year. That was tough to deal with and you’re not even quite done digesting that! It’s like chewing with a mouth full of food and squeezing one more piece in. You’re choking. Sip some water. Breathe. Let that little bit go down. I think it went down the wrong way, but it’s okay. You’re still alive. The hurt will lessen. You know you are extra sensitive with all of that creativity pumping through your veins. So, give yourself some time to be okay. You need space to heal and deal.”

It looks like: Getting up. Getting dressed. Eating. Deciding what things on the list of the day are the simplest to do. It looks like temporary distractions such as TV or Music. It looks like sleep. It looks like positive YouTube videos, meditation apps, affirmations, and maybe chatting with friends. It looks like crying because that is release. It looks like forcing myself to church or an event or not forcing myself.

Time and Space.

~Nikki

 

2019 Holiday Decor

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I was a week behind putting up my Christmas decorations. I had a few more vending gigs this year than I did last year. My daughter is home from college and she put the tree up and helped me to clean up the incredible collision of crocheted items, fall decor and the pulling out and sorting of Christmas decor. It was a huge mess that was driving me up the wall! I do not like clutter or the feeling it brings! Nevertheless, in between crocheted orders and life I decorated the tree and my home. One smart thing I did last year was organize my ornaments and decoration according to what I wanted to do the following year. I knew I wanted red, white, silver, and black. I did change the black to turquoise, but I found that color easily because it was with the “carnival” tree decorations.

I know…the most being done, but I love to decorate for the holidays and according to the seasons.

 

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Did you decorate for the holidays IF you celebrate the holidays?

~Nikki

Sunday Morning Coffee Musings: Yes Yes Ya’ll says the Universe

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Placement mats from Paris (Little Africa)

I was just thinking…what if 2020 is the year of YES for the Universe (Creator, God)? What if it’s the year that things can happen that you’ve been toiling (old school word lol), tilling the land for, praying for, working hard for, busting your head or butt for, hoping for? You know a year where things seem to happen almost too easy? “Miracle-ish” like? Appearing to be all of a sudden (but it’s not because you’ve desired it, tried it, tested it, failed aka learned from it, planted and waited for it, cried for it, felt like you died  and came back to life for it, worked worked and worked some more for it)? What if????????

Wouldn’t that be amazing?

“All bad things must come to an end, and all good things must either remain, grow, or come back around again.” -Nicole Jackson

~Nikki

Sunday Morning Coffee Musing: Drive.

What happens to the “drive”, the internal force that propels some of us forward when something happens to us we never expected? Some have this “drive” naturally that seems unstoppable. Some have to develop the drive and others have to force the drive. I’ve seen stories of terrible things happening to highly driven people and they power through, make the changes and keep going. I have heard stories of the opposite as well.

I don’t think I was born with a drive. I think it developed over the years. I never “needed” to win, to be the top of the class. I wanted to. If I didn’t, I remember feeling bad about it. I could only imagine how bad others felt that were not even in the “smart and gifted children” section. I wasn’t gifted in the sense of “smarts” but I was gifted. We all are. I had to learn how to lose gracefully. I had to learn how to be okay with giving my best. I had to learn that some have a gift that exceeds my gift of logic and smarts and that’s okay because I have things they don’t, do things they can’t, understand things they don’t, it makes us all DIFFERENT, UNIQUE, WONDERFULLY made. Uh, individuals.

Sometimes it’s hard for me to turn my drive off once it’s on. It doesn’t matter if I am writing, studying or researching an interesting subject, painting, crocheting, cleaning, fixing something, etc. I find it sometimes difficult NOT to do, to let it be, to give up. I first realized this when I use to repair laptops. We had to meet a quota and pass quality inspections. I would get stuck trying to fix a laptop, determine the problem, and get behind on my other work. I did not want to give it up and pass it on to engineering. And even after it went there, I would follow up. So much so, they rolled out a policy where engineering had to let us know what fixed the machine. It was a wise coworker, that said to me, “Nik’, you can’t fixed them all as good as you are. We are engineers and we can’t even fix them all. You have to know when to let go and pass it on. You’ve done all you can do.” It sure was hard to learn this lesson. I am a problem solver, a quality over quantity (but also how can I have both) type of person, a highest form of service type of person. If I don’t get a hold of myself, I will crash and burn. I will become overwhelmed. Burnt out.

I use to be this way until Rheumatoid Arthritis Disease hit. I went through depression. I wasn’t immediately the “Oh, well, let’s beat this, keep going, person.” My type of drive died the day I got the diagnosis that it was back, out of remission, and kicking my ass. The struggle was real. My drive had to be revived, put on life support, and weaned off. My adjustment was rocky. It was and is a spiritual journey that took a sharp left turn. It really seems more like reached a cliff and drove off.

I notice the drive a few years ago when I started to paint again. The need to FINISH it, perfect it, for hours, or in the late night or wee hours of the morning. I noticed it when I started writing again. The “I must finish this chapter, this number of words, this goal.” I noticed it in my need to create quality crocheted items, meet my deadlines, have excellent customer service. I also, noticed the obsession to do these things when I am on the verge of crashing. I would ignore my body and common sense. I would crash, burn, and be in pain. I would cause a flare up of pain and swelling, unnecessarily.

I said yes to some events this year, way more than I did last year and I was overwhelmed because I didn’t expect to be received so well. (I am spontaneously SPONTANEOUS.) I didn’t realize I needed as much inventory as I did and that I simply couldn’t create it fast enough because it takes time and I do have physical limitations. It was one night before the first event and I had driven myself into a frenzy that I simply GAVE UP. I said, “I HAVE WHAT I HAVE AND THAT IS ENOUGH.” This has been my mantra this season in creating. It has been my saving grace. It has not prevented pain or swell ups, but it has lessened my actions being the cause of them. I have hurt more from the activities, late nights, stress, no help, etc. I am hurting now! It’s that taking it to the edge, when necessary, but not going over knowledge that kicked in like the technology that tells you you’re about to back into the garage lol. Beep, beep, beep beep beep beeeeeee…. Overall, this has been the best learning experience in a long time. I needed it. I had to quickly adjust, improvise, make peace with having what I have and letting that be enough. I had to say no to other things, people. I accepted it. I am better for it. I feel like I am being prepared for something AMAZING and something that requires me to be able to manage my illness, peace of mind, and health on a very controlled level. Also, these business skills I have learned, have been priceless.

~Nikki

You’ve Been Played. Or Have You?

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This year I got played. Fooled. Bamboozled. Played. As smart as I am, as careful as I am, it happened. I think the worse thing you can do when it comes to matters of the heart is lie to a person. But let’s face it, it happens to the best of us. I sit back and I reflect on how things unfolded. I looked at my role: Trying to give chances where I should have CUT ALL TIES. Ignoring my own intuition, gut, Holy Spirit. But, to my credit, I took my Loss, turned it into a Lesson by finally CUTTING ALL TIES and bounced back. After all, you haven’t learned anything if you remain in a situation with all of the evidence and facts. I’d question YOU (and what it is in you that makes you think you deserve that type of treatment) at that point and not the behavior of the perpetrator.

So, I was thinking about the thought “Nicole, you got played” and how attached to that statement, true or false, are feelings of shame, stupidity, and inadequacies. The WHY ME and WHOA IS ME sagas. After all, I was familiar with those thoughts and feelings. It’s a stagnant lake of negativity that has a stench of reality and self pity. Just when I was about to dive in, Spirit kicked in. “No. They played themselves.” Oh? How so?

Think about it. What did I lose? Several months out of my life. Wasted time. Yes, that’s pretty bad in my mind because I cannot STAND to have my time wasted. Why did I try, why did I hope, why did I believe? I did it because I believed in love. I took a chance and a gamble and I lost time in the form of months. What’s my karma for that? Nothing bad or negative. I sowed hope, love, faith, trust, forgiveness and while I didn’t reap it in that relationship, surely I can reap it in another or blessings. (I mean that is a blessing to get the love you give).

How did they play themselves? What did they lose? They lost the opportunity to love, to trust, to build, to grow, to be blessed. Hell, they lost me. They lost a gem. But, I was never theirs and they were never mine. They can miss what they could have had, but I can’t miss what I never had. It wasn’t real anyway. What’s the karma for playing with a person’s heart? I can’t answer that specifically because that’s none of my business. That’s between them, God, and the Universe.

So, my loves, you haven’t been played, so to speak. The other party has played themselves. You’ve got a whole lot of goodness coming your way. Believe it.

~Nikki

I like goodness. 🙂 The majesty of it all!

Thanksgiving Reflection

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Wow. We made it to Thanksgiving! That is something to be thankful for. You are up and reading this blog, cooking, having dinner with family or friends, or maybe just relaxing. I took a moment to reflect on my year and while there are things I wish I didn’t have to experience, overall I am always grateful for the lessons and the blessings.

Take in the good feels and the good vibes of the season. Let go like the leaves of anything that you are holding on to that was not or is not good for you and to you. Focus on this season of harvest and planning. I hope you have a wonderful day and find some great deals shopping!

What are five things you are thankful for today?

I am thankful for the good people in my life.

I am thankful I have learned how to recover quicker from things and people.

I am thankful for a roof over my head, food to eat, and clothes to wear.

I am thankful laughter. It is like medicine to the soul.

I am thankful for new beginnings.

~Nikki