Before the relationship, you were determined not to fall for the “okie doke” again. You knew exactly what you were going to deal with and what you were not. You were vigilant about your values and you held your morals in high regard. Maybe you were routinely tending to your spiritual needs: meditation, reading or attending regularly a spiritual institution. You were focused on your goals and what really mattered. Suddenly you meet someone and now you are either barely holding on to what you built up while single or have completely abandoned all that you built. What happened?
I’d like to describe it as the watering down of you. Whiskey is strong because of the proof of alcohol in it. If you add water to a glass of it, it’s only as strong as the ratio of water added. So imagine it’s 70% water and 30% whiskey. A person that enters your life and is able to sway you away from what you have built or are building, to the point where it’s affecting your foundation: your thinking, your judgement, your sound mind and reasoning, your money, your peace, your priorities, is a person that is watering you down. You’ll be back to a breakdown in no time. Especially, if they are a good distraction.
Let me be frank, sex and gifts are an illusion. Sex and gifts, mixed with good game (lies, smooth talking, con artist language) will have you in a daze. Dazes don’t last long. When you come to, you just might find yourself in a hog pin doing laps in the mud when you thought you were doing laps in the pool.
An addition to your life is just that, an addition. The person knows how to add value and deepen morals. The person knows how to add water to the garden of your life and add some more flowers…you know, some things growing in a garden look green but they are really weeds! Too much water will kill the garden.
Don’t let your feelings overtake your head until you find yourself weak in your convictions of who you are, what you stand for, and who/what’s important to you.
It’s not possible you would know everyone who walks along a crowded street or those standing with you at a concert.Crowd funding consists of strangers and a few people you know contributing to your cause or project. It’s not likely those people know you from the eyes of a good friend or the perspective of a wonderful family member. So, in this life why do we seem to crowd fund our self esteem? I know I am guilty of this from time to time but, oh I remember the days where I relied heavily on the opinions of others and even sought after validation. Thank God! Thank God because I did the hard work and made it through the mistakes to get to this point to talk to you, unashamed, about crowd funding your self esteem.
What people don’t understand about those who struggle with self esteem issues is it didn’t start yesterday. They also don’t understand the complex journey it takes to go back in your life and discover where the seeds were planted and the hard work it takes to cut the roots of low self esteem. Crowd funding your self esteem is when you rely on the contributions of others opinions to fund how you feel about yourself. You should cancel this fund raiser (thought) each time it pops in your mind. I could go through a bunch of steps on how to do this but there is this one saying that sums it up and you could tape it to your forehead or mirror. Which ever is more fashionable for you!
The quote is: Comparison is the thief of joy-Theodore Roosevelt
Why are you sad now? Why are you feeling defeated now? Why are you feeling bad about yourself now? You just compared your progress, success, where you are, to someone else’s progress, success, how farther they are in life than you are and now your joy has been stolen by comparison. Stop that. Learn to admire others and set your OWN goals. If June buys a million dollar home don’t try to buy a million dollar home simply to measure your success by June’s. Look at your bank account, do the math, and buy what you can afford. If Courtney just ran her first marathon and you just made it running a mile, how UNFAIR is that to compare yourself? Your diligence and her diligence is simply diligence. I tell you “a truth” as Jesus said in the Bible when he was about to introduce a new concept: If you learn to CELEBRATE YOUR VICTORIES AS WELL AS OTHERS you wouldn’t need to crowd fund your self esteem.
Don’t compare yourself with others. Instead, celebrate yourself and others.
In Elementary, Junior High/Middle School, and High School there were times you were included in circles and excluded. You would think there would be no surprise when you find yourself outside of a group of friends or associates. But, sometimes you are indeed a bit surprised.
Before you begin to make assumptions take a look at the circumstances surrounding the situation. Maybe it was talked about and planned when you were not there. Maybe they honestly forgot to mention it to you. Maybe they thought someone else in the group let you know. Maybe you were too busy. Maybe you forgot.
However, there are times when you will be purposely excluded. You are not in High School and this is adulthood. They don’t always want to hang with you and you must be mature enough to handle this by knowing it’s perfectly okay. It’s not to be taken personal. However, sometimes exclusion IS a signal to you about where you stand with this group or associates. Take note.
You know my daughter had this situation among two friends of hers. One of her friends would get jealous if her best friend spent time with another friend. I laughed a little because I remember those days. I told her well, this is something that doesn’t change much among many women as they get older. It is because they are afraid of losing that special bond with a friend. It’s a bit selfish but, I can understand those feelings. She has to learn that it is okay to share friendships and most of the time it takes nothing away from the friendship you have with that person. As a matter of fact, you can actually lose some friends by being too possessive. If she is this way with a friend she will be this way with a boyfriend and it’s not healthy (of course boyfriends shouldn’t be shared!). I explained all of this to my daughter.
I started my early years as mostly a loner with other loners. Then I associated with a main group of friends in middle school but, had other associations. Once I reached high school I kept a core group but expanded into other associations. I have learned to be PRESENT when I am included and NOT PRESENT when I am excluded (lol). I don’t take it personal. At least, not anymore.
Yeah yeah yeah. It’s all fun and games until you go home and your “Hi, honey. I’m home.” is an echo (Hi, honey. I’m HOME HOme Home home). I think honesty with being single is underrated. It’s not the worst thing that could happen of course! Even if you end up spending this life without a significant other or married. But I’ll be frank with you- I don’t like being single. I’m single and happy but, I’m not satisfied with my single status.
Telling the truth when asked about being single is freedom. I don’t have to pretend like I’m okay with it ALL THE TIME because God knows I’m not. It’s no secret to the Universe I don’t want to be single. Does not wanting to be single mean you can’t be happy? NO! And that’s what most people don’t get. They think if you’re not satisfied being single, you must be unhappy with your entire life.
Contraire mon frere. I’m Nikki. I’m not Single. Those two things are separate in my mind. I’m happy with Nikki. I’m not satisfied with single. But until then… I’m chillin’. I’ve had my share of relationships and I know it’s best to be happy alone than to be miserable together.
His Lips to impress meets the press
Of my lips
Getting wasted on an embrace his arms around my hips
Heart beats in Morris code It was everything I wonderfully feared
In the heat of the moment our hearts were forever seared
The best graduation gift you could give your child is the gift of letting them be what they want to be and not what you want them to be. I mean, haven’t we learned from the movies and real stories of others? The tragedy of you wanting them to be what YOU THINK they would be good at or what would be a SAFE BET to bring them financial gain or worse, what you wanted to be but never did achieve.
Take it from a victim of this. Even if it comes out of concern, you’re destroying someone’s dream. Your child’s dream. You’re creating insecurity and fear and self doubt, pushing them into a life long career that they will hate or despise the rest of their lives. Unless they wake up 20 years later and say I hate this! I’m going to Africa or I’m opening the flower shop I always wanted to open. Or worse, they’ll quit mid semester and wonder aimlessly from job to job trying to figure out what to do. Anything but what you told them not to do or be. Hopefully, they discover they should just be that!
Give your child the gift to choose their path and then give them another gift of unwavering support as they navigate the waters of adulthood. They’ll change their minds several times but don’t you waver in your support. Just guide if they get too far off course but never push them out the way and steer their ship of dreams.
Sunday Morning Musing With Coffee 🍵
P.S. IT’S NOT TOO LATE TO CALL AND TELL THEM YOU WERE WRONG. THEY SHOULD BE WHAT THEY DESIRE IN THEIR HEART TO BE!
It takes you about 12 years to realize you’ve been preprogrammed by your parents, environment, religion, and society. Some of us wake up startled and angry. For others it’s a “coming to yourself” and we sit and ponder.
No, I don’t like pink. No, I don’t want to wear my hair like you wear your hair. No, I don’t want to be a teacher, doctor, work on this crazy job, anymore. No, I don’t necessarily believe someone’s going to literally burn in a pit of fire 🔥 because they didn’t believe what I was raised to believe. No, I don’t think I have to choose classical music over hip hop but, I can like them both. And as a matter of fact, I do not like green eggs and ham. I do not like them Sam I am!!!!!
Whether you’re in your mid 30’s switching gears or early 60’s getting a divorce, it’s obvious for this final act YOU WILL NOW DO YOU. YOU WILL NOW DO AND BE WHATEVER THE HELL YOU WANT AND OTHERS CAN GET WITH IT, OR GET GONE. You’re going to say what you really think and what you really feel without being a jerk but, oh your going to stand firmly in your core beliefs. You’re not nodding your head with the masses but, in your heart yelling no! And if the teacher calls on you, you’re done giving textbook answers.
I know blue doesn’t bring out your eyes out but, you love blue!!!! I know, they think you’re crazy at this age, with all of those degrees and now you want to open up a consignment shop. They are right. You’re crazy enough to FINALLY DO YOU. Look at all of the people around you that have done what they wanted to do. They were no more special than you. They too were not all in their 20’s. They too were called nuts 🔩 and bananas. Plus, you’ve got plenty of company.
It’s high time you answer the call on the inside of you. After all, it’s not calling “them” it’s calling YOU.
~Nikki, From Saturday Morning Musings with Coffee 🍵
“Our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if you can’t help them, at least don’t hurt them.” ~Dalai Lama 1. Fight the urge to run away or shut down Let’s face it, it is in our nature to seek pleasure and avoid pain. Seeing a loved one suffer is one of the most […]