Before I saw this quote the other day, I received a phone call from someone and they were telling me about something very important they misplaced. This person misplaces numerous things on a regular basis. As I began to try to have a conversation about them needing to slow down, pay attention, which is something even strangers have said to them, they did what they usually do to me and a few others they don’t “seem” to value much, they got offensive.
I continued to make my case in a non-threatening, caring way and I got off the phone. I almost became irritated. I almost took it personal, but I remembered what I have been drilling in my head for the past year, “It’ not me, it’s them.” “They have the problem. I can honestly say I didn’t do anything wrong. I am going to continue with my pleasant morning.” Sometimes it is personal. Sometimes it’s not. You just have to know when and decide what your response will be. I read this quote over and over until something else stood out, “compulsion to react.” I’ve been compulsively reacting to this person’s madness, with madness, ever since I realized I was old enough to do so. I reacted with madness and anger because that is all I knew. It is what I was taught to do by this person. (I didn’t even know that until therapy). You hurt me with words, I hurt you with words. Especially, since no one can stop me or I can’t be punished for talking back. In that moment when the person became defensive, I could have became offensive, but I didn’t. I didn’t compulsively react. THIS IS SOMETHING I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO PRACTICE and it was effective that day for me. In other attempts, this person would get more and more belligerent and obnoxious. And I would explode!
As I navigate this complex family dynamic, with more knowledge and practice, I hope to gain for myself the peace I have so rightly deserve from childhood until the present moment. I hope to be able to not compulsively respond, not take it all personal, to rightly respond, to insist on my boundaries, to protect my peace, and to not beat myself if I don’t “always” get it right (another burden placed on me by the same authoritative figure).
I had every intention of going to church this morning. Sunday School included. But, it’s not happening. I am not afraid to say I think it’s mental, emotional, and physical fatigue. Waking up to hip pain didn’t help but really it wasn’t a factor. I think it’s depression, I think it’s the blues, I think it’s boredom. I think it’s been a long time coming because I have seen it before. The snowball of EVERYTHING and here is the strange thing, I still feel the Christmas spirit in the midst. It just so happens that the past few months have caught up with me…I think. I guess. One day isn’t going to fix it. And the truth be told, for the first time ever, unrelated to being single during this time, I can’t wait until the holidays are over. There. I said it. But…I don’t even know if it’s holiday related or if the holidays have exasperated it. This “it.”
I know I am not the only one. Many get like this. It’s just too much of everything and it could be seasonal or it could be totally unrelated. So, what will I do today to get through it. I think I shouldn’t try so hard, push so hard to get through it. I think I should just ease through it. I am getting that this is not the time to barrel through. I feel in my own spirit that this is a delicate time. It’s going to require some honesty about some monumental things in my life that people may not be able to handle, but I can’t die spiritually to make others happy.
Okay, so, I am just going to tell you what happened to me the other day. I know what the Creator told me to do this year, so what do I do, I do that, BUT I decide I’m going to do something else in the process to get the money flowing (I’m unable to work a regular job right now). Well, I bought all of this stuff and after I created the product, I was like…that was soooooooooo boring and such a waste of my time..and the little money I’d save! I started to feel bad about wasting money. Then I heard the Spirit/God say “Don’t worry about the money you wasted. I have more. It’s okay. It’s never a waste when you are trying to invest in yourself and create rivers of income.” I felt better. It was a “bought lesson.”
I saw this quote yesterday in the book, Simple Abundance by Sarah Ban Breathnach. I was not being loyal to my soul’s desire(s). I abandoned working on the things that stir my soul, my soul’s passions, to do a “right quick” thing. It’s not part of the plan. The plan is to prepare for the opportunities that are coming my way. This is all that God instructed me to do. My plan didn’t come with a side hustle or hustles. Even though, everyone is saying get you a side hustle. If the side hustle comes it must be presented as an opportunity and not something I do “right quick.” Especially, if it bores me to tears. I mean I had enough of that working at the jobs I had for 14 years. If there is a side hustle in the midst of preparing…it must be interesting and fun, hard work is fine, but I must enjoy the fruit of my labor. After all, it’s called fruit, not rocks of my labor (ha ha ha!).
Do you represent your denomination more than you do Christ? Do you represent theology and the thoughts of man, rather than the thoughts of Christ? Are you dogmatic in your views..”your” views…YOUR views…instead of looking through the lense of the gospel of Jesus, the Christ?
Do you volunteer to feed the hungry, clothe and shelter the homeless, cry when something terrible occurs to others, but that’s as far as you go? Will you protect them via money or calling your representative about bills that need to be passed or halted? Are you nice to everyone at work, no matter their religion or color, but that’s as far as you go? Will you stand up for their rights if your rights are not affected? Do you really…really see other believers as your brothers and sisters in Christ? Or is that only good for religion and not to stand against injustices or a tyrant of a leader that wants to oppress your “sisters and brothers” of color and different cultures in Christ? What about non believers? God still created them. Are they off the list?
I’d like to see less Christians and more Christ.
From the book: Inner Engineering A Yogi’s Guide to Joy by Sadhguru
Have you ever had a week where it seems as if as much good news you received, you would receive some bad news as well? You are happy and sad, joyful and concerned. Mixed emotions. How can I be upset when this very good thing happened? How can I be happy when this sad thing happened?
The Yin Yang symbol or concept is that everything in the universe has two opposing forces, yet complimentary to each other. The symbol itself has specific meaning from it’s circular appearance to the way the black and white intertwines. One aspect of this symbol and concept is that one thing dominates for a time and then it is replaced by something else that dominates. Such as Life and Death. Also the black circle in the white part of the symbol and the white circle in the black part is an interaction of each force in all things.
We experience the Yin and Yang in life on a more noticeable level during some periods of our lives. For me it was this week as I made great strides towards advocating for myself with my doctors and nurses. I had breakthroughs concerning a particular ordeal. And then I was dealt some blows. My emotions were pulled in many directions as I was rejoicing, feeling optimistic and also feeling aggravated and concerned. I could say “Oh just focus on the good” and while that sounds logical and spiritual, I thought I should just “feel” until things mellow out. You know how a scale moves until the things placed on it of equal weight balances out? Yeah, I think that is what needed to happen. So this morning, I am balanced in my emotions through the process. I revel in advancements made and I take care of the necessary trouble brewing.
In Elementary, Junior High/Middle School, and High School there were times you were included in circles and excluded. You would think there would be no surprise when you find yourself outside of a group of friends or associates. But, sometimes you are indeed a bit surprised.
Before you begin to make assumptions take a look at the circumstances surrounding the situation. Maybe it was talked about and planned when you were not there. Maybe they honestly forgot to mention it to you. Maybe they thought someone else in the group let you know. Maybe you were too busy. Maybe you forgot.
However, there are times when you will be purposely excluded. You are not in High School and this is adulthood. They don’t always want to hang with you and you must be mature enough to handle this by knowing it’s perfectly okay. It’s not to be taken personal. However, sometimes exclusion IS a signal to you about where you stand with this group or associates. Take note.
You know my daughter had this situation among two friends of hers. One of her friends would get jealous if her best friend spent time with another friend. I laughed a little because I remember those days. I told her well, this is something that doesn’t change much among many women as they get older. It is because they are afraid of losing that special bond with a friend. It’s a bit selfish but, I can understand those feelings. She has to learn that it is okay to share friendships and most of the time it takes nothing away from the friendship you have with that person. As a matter of fact, you can actually lose some friends by being too possessive. If she is this way with a friend she will be this way with a boyfriend and it’s not healthy (of course boyfriends shouldn’t be shared!). I explained all of this to my daughter.
I started my early years as mostly a loner with other loners. Then I associated with a main group of friends in middle school but, had other associations. Once I reached high school I kept a core group but expanded into other associations. I have learned to be PRESENT when I am included and NOT PRESENT when I am excluded (lol). I don’t take it personal. At least, not anymore.