What Wednesdays: Hesitant to Walk Out My Calling

I was listening to Abraham Hicks and she was talking about ACTION without effort or resistance. She also talked about knowing your hang ups, blocks, snares. I asked God to show me where my blocks were and what exactly were they. Well, let me tell you, one of my blocks came as a surprise but, I could see how that was the case.

I have done the work in the past to uncover my authentic self. I have been on a journey walking in, getting comfortable with my authentic self. However, Spirit revealed to me that I was too busy trying to PROVE that I fit in by SHOUTING that I don’t fit in BECAUSE deep down inside I want to be accepted by the Christian population and peers. It’s TRUE I said as soon as it was revealed to me.

I thought I was forewarning people so they wouldn’t be shocked or think I wasn’t “saved” or a believer because I didn’t think like them or look like them or follow the rules. I have questions about the Bible. I have disagreements about the Bible. God let me know that it was no longer necessary to announce or to explain ANYTHING about OUR business and WHO I AM as one that believes in God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. But, also one that gravitates towards spirituality (worshipping Him in SPIRIT and TRUTH). I tend to like, and I am drawn to the deeper things of God. The superficial, egotistical driven side of Christianity really turns my stomach. I often say to God, can we just meet at the ocean every Sunday and you bring a message and I go home or into the world? That would be great. Maybe some music. Maybe some teaching. But, I am just not into “religion” and “theology” and positions. I don’t like the politics. I don’t mind a prosperous church. I don’t mind a small church doing work in the community. I just don’t like all of the fat. I’d like it trimmed. But that’s not my call. That’s not my business or my ministry.

When I look back deeper into my life, I can see where I developed the need to announce I am different. One, I was told something was wrong weird or different about me as a child by a parent, siblings, and family. I was told by peers. I stood out as a red headed black child. It was made known from the day I was born I was different. So, I guess I begin to let people know that I was different BEFORE they could tell me. And I can see how announcing, “I am not traditional or religious” before I get ready to speak or post or blog is a way of wanting to be accepted in spite of my thoughts, ideas, truths, beliefs NOT lining up with tradition. No one likes a rule breaker. And my Christian peers can be quite judgmental and gossipy. I don’t so much mind the others but, not the people I chose to be part of. I have come so close to being done with CHRISTIANITY and just flowing with God.

Anyway, I can no longer be hesitant about who I am. I have to be the Nicole, inspired by John the Baptist mixed with some David and Peter with the fashion flare of Lydia (the seller of purple cloth that had ships coming in and was a businesswoman and believer). I have to accept I will be denounced, talked about, and shunned by many. But as long as I am loved, accepted, and cherished by the Creator, all is well.

~Nikki

Whatever Wednesday: Money and Mindset

Backyard Sky View

Let me explain: I was blessed with a $2500 debt cancellation. Last Friday, I was paying bills and I started to get upset about so much money leaving my account. I remembered that I did RECEIVE the services or goods that I am paying for. SO, I tried to get into GRATITUDE while paying bills. I usually do this whenever I pay bills, “Well, thank God I have the money to pay the bills. I pray and thank God that I will receive 100 times or more or God’s perfect will of what goes out.” Or “Money never runs out. There is an abundance of money available to me.” Something like that. Sometimes I feel good about it, and sometimes like FRIDAY I struggle with it.

I am so open to however money shows up, I do expect it to drop from the sky and grow on trees BUT, I also expect to CREATE. I use to think poverty thoughts more than abundant thoughts. When I start feeling the poor thoughts: I’ll never have. This is so hard. Don’t dream that. OR when I start to get upset because of what I CANNOT DO RIGHT NOW, I breathe. I step back. I get into GRATITUDE by thinking about HOW RICH and WEALTHY I already am. AND NOT ONLY with money but, with love, compassion, family, friends, food, shelter, sight, breath, hearing, etc.

I take the pressure off put on by society or myself to CATCH UP or to make up for lost time. I am where I am and I am never too old for the manifestation of what I desire. One can always change their desires, goals, and dream NEW dreams. I think about where I have come from and how much I have grown. I ask to help or bless somebody in whatever way I can. CHANGING YOUR THOUGHTS, your mind is A CHALLENGE you have to accept if you want to change your life or circumstances. I am not where I want to be financially, spiritually, etc. BUT you can count on the FACT that I will continue trying until I leave here. AND THAT IS THE VICTORY. I can feel good about actively trying along with affirmations, prayers, a grateful heart and the manifestations that do occur.

~Nikki

Sunday Morning Coffee Musings: Toxic Masculinity in Christianity. Examining the BEAM.

Plant Name: Hustle n Flow

Yesterday (Wednesday), I had a yellow plate, eggs, and lemon cream yogurt chosen without thinking. I said to myself, once I noticed, I must be eating for the solar plexus. For my fellow Christians, it’s the place where we say “I felt that in my belly!” or the place where you get “butterflies”. Little did I know I would have to assert myself today. It’s the place of personality, ego, and identity, as well as personal freedom, choice, and authenticity. You see God and I have this language, when I say, “God, let them do this or let xyz happen and I am going to say what I really think or want to say.” I can tell you that 99% of the time, God doesn’t let it happen. On the rare occasions that it does, I have learned to say what I need to say tempered (controlled) and direct. Most times. Today, I had to assert my personality, my ego, my identity, my personal freedom, my choice and my authenticity in DIVINE ORDER to one that is considered a leader in ministry. This toxic masculinity in Christianity must go and will go.

There is something to be said, that I won’t say, about people that only have something to say when they disagree with what you say or have something to say behind what you say when you are a woman in ministry. For one, there is something wrong within when one has a argumentative spirit. A critic spirit. A spirit that seeks out an opportunity to argue or to show off their knowledge (puffed up is how the Bible refers to them). There is an ill skill to the manipulation of another person’s words and to use your knowledge in such a way to dominate a conversation in such a spirit of negative ego. It’s the equivalent of over talking or yelling and feeling like you have “won” when there was nothing to win. The Bible speaks about adding and taking away from the Word. I don’t like it when people add or take away from what I say. Furthermore, I don’t like it when people tell me what I meant by what I said. ASK for CLARIFICATION before you ASSume. 🙂 I also don’t need a male counterpart to “second guess” or to explain what I say or my ideas or my philosophy. I’ve seen it over and over and again on social media. A male minister/pastor says something outside of the box, either other male ministers celebrate or approach with reverence for further clarification. WOMEN in ministry do the same and they come like a brood of vipers.

This “I know more than you” or this need to assert authority in places it does not belong has been something that has “irked” me from the beginning of my journey as one considered a woman in ministry. This need to control or monitor women is so unlike the God and Christ I am associated with. It is toxic. I was not created to be your personal assistant, maid servant or child. I was created to create. I was created with the intellect, too. I was created with a purpose, too. I receive dreams and visions, too. I know how to research, search, go to school and the same education you get, too. I think Jesus, in my religion, leveled the field. I’d appreciate it if some of the men in ministry would come off their high horses (pride comes before a great fall) and into the field. The harvest is plentiful but, the laborers are few.

~Nikki

Whatever Wednesday: Decorating The New Home Update; The Bathrooms

Before

When I found out how much it would cost to demolish the tiles in the bathrooms, I quickly decided to work with the tile instead of against it. Yes, I could paint the tiles but, I have heard mixed reviews and once again, budget matters. So, here are the updates and today, thanks to some Home Depot gift cards, I have purchased some new light fixtures to be installed.

Before

At this time, it was cost effective for me to decorate working with the existing tile and color. I am pleased.

~Nikki

Sunday Morning Coffee Musings: Middle Ground

When you are healing or getting over a situation there is a middle ground. A gray space. A partly cloudy with a chance of rain. In this rarely talked about space, you can see sunshine and then clouds. You can see a beautiful sunrise and sunset and then out of seemingly nowhere, heavy rain. Here is the comfort: You are almost there. You are almost to the closing up of the wound. You are almost to the healing phase. You just have to rest and keep moving.

In this middle ground, this gap, do you know what you need? You sincere, specific, meaningful prayer, meditation, and affirmations. Stand in the gap of this moment. This where you go in deep. This where you stand in the corner and pray. This where you lay prostrate and wail if need be. This is where you lose your self in the silence of meditation.

This is also where good flows in. The sunshine, the sunrises, and the sunsets. This where light comes into the cracks. You get ah ha moments, deep revelations, vivid visions, and waves of goodness. It’s where nature speaks and heals. It’s where messages come from the strangest places and things. Embrace it with your whole mind and heart.

May the Lord (the Law) bless you. May the Lord (the Law) keep you. May the Lord (the Law) make His face shine upon you and be gracious to you. May the Lord (the Law), lift up His countenance upon you and give you peace. The Bible, Numbers 6:24-26

~Nikki

Sunday Morning Coffee Musings: Are We Done Yet or Are We Finished?

There is something about growth that I HATE when it comes to letting a relationship go or it letting me go. That part is “feeling sad”. No one enjoys it I know. But, I am speaking on when you have already learned the lesson (s) and you are ready to move on BUT you can’t because here comes a thought, a memory, an instinct, a knee jerk response to pick up the phone and can call their number. Then you are like, “Oh. Yeah. Can’t do that.” But I’ve got the lessons for me this time around:

  • Sometimes second chances don’t work out.
  • It wasn’t a waste of your time because your intentions were clear, pure, and true.
  • You learned to respect a person’s right to not feel the way you feel and to bow out (maybe not so gracefully but, hey as well as expected). This is your GREATEST LESSON.
  • Sometimes the friendship within the relationship also come to an end.

I understand. Now, let’s move on. Well, not so fast. And why not? Because you can’t rush time and you can’t rush growth. It’s like a plant and you can’t rush the growth of the plant after you have watered it. Even after you get the lesson, like water, it has to soak in. It has to get to the root. I’m ready to not feel sadness or loneliness but, it’s not happening as quick as I would like it to. So let’s soak it in with affirmations:

  • I am worthy of a love that flows freely from the heart
  • I am loved deeply and eternally by my twin flame soul mate
  • I am worthy to be a priority
  • I am worthy of a rich friendship within my relationship

SOAK IT UP. SOAK IT IN. LET IT GET TO THE ROOTS and SOAK IN THE SUN. AND JUST SIT THERE LIKE A PLANT. AND BE PATIENT. Affirmations or just the truth, is the water!

I keep checking on my plants as I am learning gardening on the fly. All of the plants I planted with the exception of the elephant ears were already in a bloomed state. I check on my plants almost everyday and I am disappointed when I don’t see a sign of the elephant ears blooming but, I am pleased to see some of the other plants thriving. When I do see growth I am shocked because it seems as if it wasn’t there yesterday or the day before! One day, I am sure I will notice the sadness has disappeared and the memories aren’t as vivid. They don’t come with pain or loneliness. WOW! GROWTH! When did you get here?! Neverminded that! Welcome!

~Nikki

Whatever Wednesday: Freedom from Insecurities

Yesterday, my daughter convinced me to go for a walk at the park. It was a little warm but, I went. I pop my earphones in once she starts to pick up the pace and leaves me behind. We start out together but, because I can’t walk fast, I tell her to go ahead and get her work out in. I was listening to the Wayne Dyer Podcast and I heard him say something that immediate freed my soul.

“What do you have to be insecure about? You are a creation of God.” – Dr. Wayne Dyer

I was like, “WHOA!” It felt as if all my insecurities dissipated into thin air. I am a creation of God. Why on earth am I insecure? God made me the way I am and even if I altered it in some sort of way, I am still a creation of God. I was insecure about my looks, my voice, and my body but GOD created my features, my voice, and my body. It is what it is but, because of society or the environment one grows up in, some features are preferred. Some SKIN TONES and HAIR TYPES are preferred. Some body types are preferred and especially, in my community. People let you know this from a very young age.

I did eventually get comfortable with the body I was created with. I thought I was okay with the way I looked UNTIL I thought about creating a YouTube channel. This is when I became concerned with the way I looked and the way I sound…again. I never liked seeing myself on video. I realize that one reason I haven’t been obedient in doing anything with the channel is because when I see myself, when I hear myself, I am slightly uncomfortable. And that rattles my confidence. Although, I have went live a few times, and even in those times I wasn’t fond of it. But I felt pressed by Spirit to speak. So, I did.

It’s amazing how things can seemingly, out of nowhere, come into your space and enlighten you. You get the right word, the right conversation, at the right time. I guess I will take the leap and begin to create content for my channel.

What insecurities?

~Nikki

Sunday Morning Coffee Musings: Housewarming

It finally happened. I had a housewarming for family and family-friends. And it was GREAT. We had a really good time fellowshipping with one another. Most of my immediate family is vaccinated and if not they have had their first shot.

It took me two weeks to prepare for one day because of physical limitations. Really, I started to prepare three weeks in advance. The last two days were brutal on my body and I had a few days along those weeks that were bad days and many sleep issues at night. However, I persevered. I also had help from my brothers, my daughter, and parents. I am grateful for that.

Today, I begin the process of recovery. It takes about a week and sometimes two weeks to recoup from an event like yesterday. Today, I feel like I have been hit by a ton of bricks. My body is exhausted. I am fatigued. I have a huge amount of pain and soreness. So, I have cancelled all plans for this week. I only have one goal, each day, for the next seven days that require my physical energy. I am also not taking any phone calls or dealing with any negative energy. It’s just not happening this week. No extra tasks for anyone else. This is the epitome of self care for those with autoimmune diseases. We must heed the lessons learned and the good advice given to us by others in order to preserve and improve our health.

Take Care!

~Nikki

Sunday Morning Coffee Musings: Mother’s Day Complications

“You know, he’s kind of stingy.” She said.

I responded, “Stingy? He gives you $100 and buys you expensive purses that you request. How is that stingy?”

There I was concerned that my little cards and thoughtful gifts (the bread pudding, the pound cake, the measly $25 gift card at her favorite store) wouldn’t stand a chance, and it didn’t. However, not only did mine not stand chance, not even the favorites gave good enough gifts. Truly, some are never satisfied and it’s because they don’t practice gratitude unless they are in some tragic situation and their life is saved or they are ill and they feel better. Then it seems to dissipate into thin air after the threat of death no longer looms or the sign of illness subsides.

That was earlier this week. On Mother’s Day I called to ask if they needed me to pick up any food on the way home from church and she said no. However, she forgot to hang up the phone and boy, did I get an earful of what I didn’t do such as, “She NEVER asks if anyone wants anything when she goes out.” I responded, “HEY! I can still hear you! And why do you think I called? Also, I think I call you anytime I am going to the grocery store or making runs in the vicinity of places you like to go. I think I drove you to Walgreens yesterday and all the way to Southaven and back while not feeling well. Enjoy the rest of your Mother’s Day.”

It’s complicated

As photos float across social media and people honor their mothers that possibly have the parent-child connection my daughter and I have, I try not to envy that. I try not to wonder how that feels. Instead, I hit the heart button and make comments to celebrate their relationship. It’s difficult when I go to pick out a card because not many match my experience or my feelings. I did learn to be a good housekeeper. I did learn to be a good cook. I did develop a love for fashion from my mom. I did learn some driving techniques and skills. We were well fed, well clothed, and taken care of. I do remember learning to sew and her making doll clothes for my dolls. I do remember getting my hair washed and pressed. I am sure there is love. I am sure there is care. But there is not a connection.

So, how does one refocus after hearing their parent talk about them. Well, it’s not the first time I have overheard a conversation about me where she forgot to hang up the phone. I have actually been told many things about myself when I was younger and I couldn’t not respond or defend myself because well, in my community, you don’t talk back. You internalize those things with your thoughts. As I drove to pick up food for my daughter and I, I took several deep breaths. I felt sadness looming after having such a wonderful morning of Mother’s Day wishes and gifts. I talked to God. Out loud in my car.

“If I have to come back, or if we can come back to earth, I am NOT coming back to parents or a parent that cannot parent me properly. Write that down. Roll tape of me saying this. I am not coming back to an emotionally and mentally abusive parent that has issues within themselves they cannot recognize or get help for. I have had enough to deal with and heal from to last 46 years. I’ve got to really remove myself from this toxic connection.”

I enjoyed my meal with my daughter. I looked over all of the wonderful cards and gifts that mean the world to me because someone thought of me. Flowers, which I love. Meaningful cards. $5 (yes because I think things like it’s $5 for Dollar Tree or a Milkshake lol). A lovely coffee mug because we all know I love coffee. A fan to add to my collection. A 49ers hat! A windchime. A bottle of wine that I enjoy. Things that don’t cost much but, are symbols that one was THOUGHT of. People spent the money they had to make you smile and to show their appreciation for your presence. I watched Julia and Julie, Eat Love Pray, and I went to bed. I enjoyed my morning, made it through that mid afternoon bull, and blossomed the rest of the evening. I slept well.

~Nikki

Go Getter

Top of the morning to you! What a wonderful, fantastic, amazing day to make moves towards your dreams & goals!

My actions create constant prosperity

I am worthy of my dreams and goals

I believe in myself and my abilities

I am confident in my brand and mission

I have everything I need within

I deserve to be paid well for my work

Have a blessed and prosperous day!

~Nikki