It started Wednesday with excruciating foot pain, but if we want to be honest it started way before that. It started with taking on Vocational Bible School when I really didn’t want to and doing most of it on my own with the nitpicking, complaining, and subtle “bitching” of others. Yes, I did use the word bitching and I could have used barking, but IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU AND YOUR COMFORTABILITY right now. I also had little sleep due to the oven light going out which we usually leave on. I discovered it has a shortage. Then the smoke detector went out. There was a power outage in the wee hours one morning on top of a night I was already tossing and turning. I didn’t want to take a sleep aid because…what if the house caught on fire and the smoke detector doesn’t work? (I have anxiety and this how the anxious mind goes into overdrive). I was thinking about all that I had to do. Major issues with my mother and minor ones with my sister. Drama and trauma.
So, I try to sleep better last night and I was irritable before I went to bed. Oh, and someone stole my bank card from church! I tossed most of the night and when I finally woke up it was from a terrible dream.
What am I doing wrong? What is going on here? Good things are happening and all of these inconveniences are also happening like the gnats that seem to have invaded our area. Small and irritating as hell. I had a great therapy session last week. What am I missing?
I am not centered at all. I am not thinking clearly and it is showing up. I have been fearful, angry, and peace-less. Fearful of the future, fearful of walking in purpose and marrying my authentic self to my purpose. Angry at the things said and done by family. Peace-less about a future relationship. I am overwhelmed by household chores (tired body, achy body, little to no help, and a teen with lazy summer bones) and wanting to have a gathering, but not really wanting to be bothered. I am missing intentional and thoughtful prayer. Meditation. A morning reading. Yoga. Either one or all of these things would do me a world of good because I need centering every day and sometimes several times during the day. I am missing the voice of Spirit and Self. I am ignoring it. And my body, my mind, is fatigued.
This morning I pulled myself up. Opened to a passage in the book: God’s Healing Power: Finding Your True Self Through Meditation where the above excerpt was pulled. I had breakfast. I watched a food documentary. I still don’t feel well. I wanted an instant fix. I still feel overwhelmed. I wanted energy. This is the beginning, Nikki. The RE-establishing of routine. It’s going to take some time and patience and effort. I think I will read this same passage every morning until…
Last night I went out with a friend to see Australia’s Thunder from Down Under. And this made me think, I am just kidding, I wasn’t thinking about much of anything at the show except how good looking those men were and how much fun I was having. I screamed the entire evening. Conversation and laughter, food and the flirts from the opposite sex, none of my same race, but thankfully of the human race (same race lol ) was quite refreshing. A bit bewildered as I was definitely rocking my natural zig zaggy coiled red hair. Not society’s definition of good hair or beautiful hair. I decided to post some photos and my whereabouts. Anyone who truly knows me, which are few, know I like to take walks on what I call the wild side. My wild side is pretty tame compared to most I suppose. I have no need to compare though others do. Shrugs.
So, I know that social media is a rumor mill, gossip train, for the small minded and the super religious. In my world, you don’t get to do too many things and still be called a Christian by Christians or by non-Christians. I find that amusing. I know there is a definition and in keeping with a Christ like spirit but, do we blot out and mute our own spirit until we are martyred? Solemn? Sad? Unhappy? Blank slate? Dull? Robots? Mindless Sheep? Then why give so many diverse personalities, life journeys, backgrounds…woosah. I am 43. I have taken a few intentional journeys since turning 40. And the more I clear my own path I have no need to be called anything by anyone. I have no worries if I will be able to speak at a church, in a church, do work in a church, etc. and etc. The burden of “Oh, if you do that, you may mess up someone else’s walk or you could lead someone else down the wrong path” has been given a TRUE revelation to my eyes.
Hey, I like rules in relations to right and wrong. Do no harm. I don’t think all rules should bend to fit one person’s religion but, society as a whole. I don’t like being confined. I don’t like being bound. I don’t like others defining me. I like to tell you who I am and what I am about. I think God knows me better than anyone and reveals myself to me throughout life. I am right on the edge of being completely free. I wasn’t happy at the larger nondenominational church I was at but, I was being fed good spiritual food for my soul at that time. I was called back into a time warp the last year to help my home church and I am there now. I am there to assist, plant seeds, serve in and the community, to grow more in patience, grace, and mercy and to eventually leave the church but, never to leave God, Jesus, or the Holy Spirit. It’s the only way I’ll be able to live a life of freedom without religious chains. I prefer worship in spirit and in truth.
What the hell was I thinking going out there in the cesspool of the dating pool? AGAIN. I can’t swim. I should have just stayed on the edge of the pool dangling my feet in the water and heck, even they can be bait for sharks! Exhale.
Where is my towel? I dry myself off from inconsistency, a pattern of disappearing on the weekends, excuses, and an emotional attachment to an ex. Yuck! I need a shower. “Someone call a bus!” (Random. I’ve been watching a Blue Bloods marathon 😀 )
When you have been dating as long as I have you either are going to cycle in the same mistakes or mature and spiral up and out. You are either going to recognize what’s going on and ignore it or find power in the choice to see it and leave it. Yes. Have patience and “see” and then once you see it, believe it, and leave it. Now, back to my shower. I need to shower in silence and distance. I need to cleanse my psyche of that person being a possibility for now or forever. It just depends. I am open, but I don’t stay open to foolishness or a person that is not ready for dating seriously. And that does not make them a bad person (well the one that is not ready and has issues to resolve), it just makes them not a good match for me. It doesn’t make me perfect and without issues, it just makes me unwilling to put myself through the drama and trauma. Let’s face it. I’ve had enough at 43. I should know what I can handle and what I can’t.
Thanks Journal. You always listen without judging me!
I am just a girl with big dreams and big coffee cups to fill. In the midst of dreams coming true you have to cut back on some things. Save some money. But you NEVER cut your coffee! Instead, you find an inexpensive brand that will hold up to the quality of the brand (or brands in my case), you like.
This is my first try of the Great Value Breakfast Blend. A very, very light roasted, toasty smell when you open the package. It’s not strong (as it’s a breakfast blend, but with some brands you can smell the light roasted coffee upon opening it) and you barely notice the smell as it begins to brew if you are not standing right next to the coffee pot. Every now and then when I am brewing, depending on how many cups, it can give off a strong bitter smell (if that makes sense). It’s normal. This is the only time I can smell the coffee brewing from a distance. (More cups, stronger smell).
Arabica beans, once brewed, have a mild chocolaty taste with a hint of caramel finish and a bit of bitterness on the end. This is of course without any creamer (I know you see my Carmel Macchiato creamer by International Delight!). So imagine this coffee enhanced with a bit of caramel creamer. Delicious. Note, not everyone tastes caramel with this bean.
Overall, on my scale of 5 coffee cups, I give this brand 2.5 coffee cups. In a pinch it’s worth the purchase. Drinking this coffee without creamer or sugar, I didn’t catch the hint of caramel but, I did get the chocolaty and slightly bitter taste. If you are looking for a decent bang of coffee for your buck this would be it. Especially, of you were buying a large container for the office or an event.
What could be better than getting an awesome deal on a condo on the beach? Well, saving more money by shopping at a local thrift store! I saw it on the way to our beach condo and I knew I was coming back before I left. I am glad I did!
The name of the thrift store is Island Thrift. Very, very friendly staff. A clean store and the best part was it’s inclusive of plus size girls like me! I found clothing, jewelry, and some sort of huge wooden, palm structure that barely fit into my brother’s SUV. Needless to say he was puzzled when I returned his vehicle but, he also knows I like odd things! And never question a woman’s purchase. She has a plan for whatever she bought somewhere down the line lol!
I also got tanks tops and a necklace made of wood. Yes, I had an armload of items and I would have gotten more! My cousin also left with an armful of items. She’s a thrifter, too and we were both floating on a shopper’s high as we left. I will blog the items when I wear them soon. I have already worn the red striped sundress and it fit perfectly!
What an amazing trip with family (mostly cousins)! Our corner condo was fabulous with a wrap around balcony and perfect view of the gulf shore.
A group of cousins got together and decided we should take a trip. Florida was on the table but, Orange Beach seem to be the best option. I knew they would enjoy it and they did. I went a few years ago and the best part of that trip for me was being able to wake up and see this view. This year I had the best experience of waking up to people who truly care and love me, their wonderful company, 98% drama free, and sleeping next to the gulf. I woke up every morning and took pictures of the sunrise and on the last day we saw sharks and dolphins.
Every morning we had breakfast together. We had mimosas and fruit on the table. This was a bonding moment and beautiful memory. But, not before I had my coffee on the balcony while most were sleep, watching the sunrise, and taking my stroll on the beach in the cool of the morning.