Sunday Morning Coffee Musing: Drive.

What happens to the “drive”, the internal force that propels some of us forward when something happens to us we never expected? Some have this “drive” naturally that seems unstoppable. Some have to develop the drive and others have to force the drive. I’ve seen stories of terrible things happening to highly driven people and they power through, make the changes and keep going. I have heard stories of the opposite as well.

I don’t think I was born with a drive. I think it developed over the years. I never “needed” to win, to be the top of the class. I wanted to. If I didn’t, I remember feeling bad about it. I could only imagine how bad others felt that were not even in the “smart and gifted children” section. I wasn’t gifted in the sense of “smarts” but I was gifted. We all are. I had to learn how to lose gracefully. I had to learn how to be okay with giving my best. I had to learn that some have a gift that exceeds my gift of logic and smarts and that’s okay because I have things they don’t, do things they can’t, understand things they don’t, it makes us all DIFFERENT, UNIQUE, WONDERFULLY made. Uh, individuals.

Sometimes it’s hard for me to turn my drive off once it’s on. It doesn’t matter if I am writing, studying or researching an interesting subject, painting, crocheting, cleaning, fixing something, etc. I find it sometimes difficult NOT to do, to let it be, to give up. I first realized this when I use to repair laptops. We had to meet a quota and pass quality inspections. I would get stuck trying to fix a laptop, determine the problem, and get behind on my other work. I did not want to give it up and pass it on to engineering. And even after it went there, I would follow up. So much so, they rolled out a policy where engineering had to let us know what fixed the machine. It was a wise coworker, that said to me, “Nik’, you can’t fixed them all as good as you are. We are engineers and we can’t even fix them all. You have to know when to let go and pass it on. You’ve done all you can do.” It sure was hard to learn this lesson. I am a problem solver, a quality over quantity (but also how can I have both) type of person, a highest form of service type of person. If I don’t get a hold of myself, I will crash and burn. I will become overwhelmed. Burnt out.

I use to be this way until Rheumatoid Arthritis Disease hit. I went through depression. I wasn’t immediately the “Oh, well, let’s beat this, keep going, person.” My type of drive died the day I got the diagnosis that it was back, out of remission, and kicking my ass. The struggle was real. My drive had to be revived, put on life support, and weaned off. My adjustment was rocky. It was and is a spiritual journey that took a sharp left turn. It really seems more like reached a cliff and drove off.

I notice the drive a few years ago when I started to paint again. The need to FINISH it, perfect it, for hours, or in the late night or wee hours of the morning. I noticed it when I started writing again. The “I must finish this chapter, this number of words, this goal.” I noticed it in my need to create quality crocheted items, meet my deadlines, have excellent customer service. I also, noticed the obsession to do these things when I am on the verge of crashing. I would ignore my body and common sense. I would crash, burn, and be in pain. I would cause a flare up of pain and swelling, unnecessarily.

I said yes to some events this year, way more than I did last year and I was overwhelmed because I didn’t expect to be received so well. (I am spontaneously SPONTANEOUS.) I didn’t realize I needed as much inventory as I did and that I simply couldn’t create it fast enough because it takes time and I do have physical limitations. It was one night before the first event and I had driven myself into a frenzy that I simply GAVE UP. I said, “I HAVE WHAT I HAVE AND THAT IS ENOUGH.” This has been my mantra this season in creating. It has been my saving grace. It has not prevented pain or swell ups, but it has lessened my actions being the cause of them. I have hurt more from the activities, late nights, stress, no help, etc. I am hurting now! It’s that taking it to the edge, when necessary, but not going over knowledge that kicked in like the technology that tells you you’re about to back into the garage lol. Beep, beep, beep beep beep beeeeeee…. Overall, this has been the best learning experience in a long time. I needed it. I had to quickly adjust, improvise, make peace with having what I have and letting that be enough. I had to say no to other things, people. I accepted it. I am better for it. I feel like I am being prepared for something AMAZING and something that requires me to be able to manage my illness, peace of mind, and health on a very controlled level. Also, these business skills I have learned, have been priceless.

~Nikki

You’ve Been Played. Or Have You?

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This year I got played. Fooled. Bamboozled. Played. As smart as I am, as careful as I am, it happened. I think the worse thing you can do when it comes to matters of the heart is lie to a person. But let’s face it, it happens to the best of us. I sit back and I reflect on how things unfolded. I looked at my role: Trying to give chances where I should have CUT ALL TIES. Ignoring my own intuition, gut, Holy Spirit. But, to my credit, I took my Loss, turned it into a Lesson by finally CUTTING ALL TIES and bounced back. After all, you haven’t learned anything if you remain in a situation with all of the evidence and facts. I’d question YOU (and what it is in you that makes you think you deserve that type of treatment) at that point and not the behavior of the perpetrator.

So, I was thinking about the thought “Nicole, you got played” and how attached to that statement, true or false, are feelings of shame, stupidity, and inadequacies. The WHY ME and WHOA IS ME sagas. After all, I was familiar with those thoughts and feelings. It’s a stagnant lake of negativity that has a stench of reality and self pity. Just when I was about to dive in, Spirit kicked in. “No. They played themselves.” Oh? How so?

Think about it. What did I lose? Several months out of my life. Wasted time. Yes, that’s pretty bad in my mind because I cannot STAND to have my time wasted. Why did I try, why did I hope, why did I believe? I did it because I believed in love. I took a chance and a gamble and I lost time in the form of months. What’s my karma for that? Nothing bad or negative. I sowed hope, love, faith, trust, forgiveness and while I didn’t reap it in that relationship, surely I can reap it in another or blessings. (I mean that is a blessing to get the love you give).

How did they play themselves? What did they lose? They lost the opportunity to love, to trust, to build, to grow, to be blessed. Hell, they lost me. They lost a gem. But, I was never theirs and they were never mine. They can miss what they could have had, but I can’t miss what I never had. It wasn’t real anyway. What’s the karma for playing with a person’s heart? I can’t answer that specifically because that’s none of my business. That’s between them, God, and the Universe.

So, my loves, you haven’t been played, so to speak. The other party has played themselves. You’ve got a whole lot of goodness coming your way. Believe it.

~Nikki

I like goodness. 🙂 The majesty of it all!

Thanksgiving Reflection

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Wow. We made it to Thanksgiving! That is something to be thankful for. You are up and reading this blog, cooking, having dinner with family or friends, or maybe just relaxing. I took a moment to reflect on my year and while there are things I wish I didn’t have to experience, overall I am always grateful for the lessons and the blessings.

Take in the good feels and the good vibes of the season. Let go like the leaves of anything that you are holding on to that was not or is not good for you and to you. Focus on this season of harvest and planning. I hope you have a wonderful day and find some great deals shopping!

What are five things you are thankful for today?

I am thankful for the good people in my life.

I am thankful I have learned how to recover quicker from things and people.

I am thankful for a roof over my head, food to eat, and clothes to wear.

I am thankful laughter. It is like medicine to the soul.

I am thankful for new beginnings.

~Nikki

Confetti Weekend: Art. Orijennal Art to You

Last year I had the opportunity to sale and show my work at an art event for African American/Black artists in the Fall of 2018. The B.A.E (Black Art Experience)! It was the first showing of my art and I sold three pieces I believe. In the city of Memphis, and many other cities, there is not enough exposure or outlets for people of color and their art. Well, this young lady created an event that did just that.

Fast forward to this year and here she is opening up her own art gallery, teaching art to children in a school system, and with many more things on the horizon for all things art!

This was the GRAND OPENING that houses several artists in the city, including her beautiful art of black women and girls. Hopefully, I will be able to get a piece of my art in there soon. I marvel at the artists and their works. I got to speak with one of my favorite artists at this opening, Mosal Morszart, and met many more new artist.

Seeing their work on the walls really inspired me and talking with Mosal gave me a confidence boost in my own lane as an abstract artist. Jennifer, has also been very supportive and encourage of my work. This means so much to the black girl inside of me who’s work was shunned by an art teacher in High School. Up until then, many teachers were supportive and I was asked to take on many creative projects in school. I stopped painting after that teacher in High School. It wasn’t until about two years ago I put the brush to the canvas and it was like I never left.

Each artist was able to speak about their work.

Not only is there art for purchase, there is also art to wear and art for your home. I really like this space and I am really proud of Jennifer, a sister that has opened up another door for artists. Click the link for more Orijennal Art!

And also check out Mosal’s Page!

https://www.facebook.com/oriJENNalart/

https://www.facebook.com/morszartmosal

Also, you can find my art and my crocheted art on my Facebook page and you can find me on Instagram @theconfettishopbynique

https://www.facebook.com/TheConfettiShop/

~Nikki

Sunday Morning Coffee Musing: Bold Truth. Loud Lies.

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I am here to speak the truth about my life and whatever else God will have me to speak the truth about. I’ll blog about fashion and fear, food and failed relationships, coffee and courage. You get the picture. I’ve never liked anyone attempting to control the narrative of my life. I like real and raw as it relates to what is going to help me, help me and you. I don’t like lies. I don’t like pretenders. I don’t like fake. All of that is darkness to me. Some love the dark. They love lies. They sleep peacefully after doing evil. If they can tell their lies and live their falsehood, you can tell your truth and live your authenticity. BOLD TRUTH will always bring about LOUD LIES. Fear not, for God, the Father of TRUTH, LIGHT, and LOVE is on your side.

~Nikki

God Does Care

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God loves you. No way God will give you “anything” that will constantly cause you grief. You need to KNOW THIS. You need to GOVERN YOURSELF ACCORDINGLY. Do not settle and NEVER ACCEPT THE UNACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR. Anything you accept you approve. You’re saying I want more of this treatment and behavior! And you’re gong to get it! Don’t be afraid to LET GO of DRAMA and HEARTACHE. GOD DOES CARE ABOUT YOUR JOY.

~Nikki

TRUST GOD.

HELLO BEAUTIFUL and then what?

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After they tell you how beautiful you are, send you a billion messages, then what? Then nothing if they never take the time to see your true beauty that lies within. Then nothing if they take for granted your beautiful spirit. And definitely nothing if they abuse your beautiful heart.

~Nikki

Just standing here with my beautiful spirit…with my lamp and my oil.