My heart is just filled with gratefulness and love this morning. Like up to the top. I even feel a little misty eyed. Thinking about how rich and wealthy we already are if we would take the time to stop and smell the roses. Totally immerse ourselves in the moment of a conversation with a friend without looking at our phones or immerse ourselves totally in the pleasure of a cup of tea or glass of wine. If we would look into the eyes of our family when we see them and hug them each time with all of our might. If we would reminisce about the fun times of childhood we would laugh and feel good about all of those good memories…rich irreplaceable moments with friends and cousins. Wealthy in our small homes and apartments surrounded by objects we adore and that are priceless and meaningful to us even if we got them from a dollar store or if it were passed down to us or given to us by a friend. Wealthy in the events of accomplishments big and small, public and private. Wealthy in nature. Yes, money cometh. Yes, wealth and riches is in your house. But just know, we are rich and wealthy in the now. -Nicole Jackson
There is an appointed time for certain things and no matter how bad you want it to hurry up and arrive, no matter what you try to do to speed up the time, it’s not going to get there any faster. God, the Universe, has a set time for certain manifestations, destinies, freedoms, and victories.
I remember wanting to be free from a certain contract and it took almost a year because the person refused to sign a release form. It was hell waiting it out. Until, I decided it would get here when it got here. I went on doing the best I could to live my life, focus on the good times, and being a mother.
A few days ago I received the exact court date of my hearing for disability. I didn’t know how I felt about it as I was hoping the judge would approve without me going to court. It’s been 2 years and 6 months. The proof is before him. I opted to have a neutral feeling about it until I could process my emotions. I’d already talked to my therapist about my feelings. So, the next day, I decided to claim it as a day of victory and not obsess over it. It’s the set time, an appointed time, that I cannot change. I have to remind myself that I and my legal team have done everything in the natural. It is up to God to do the supernatural at the appointed time.
Some of us grew up in loving and caring environments and some of us did not. Some of us grew up in loving and caring environments that were flawed on some level. Sometimes deeply flawed or sometimes tumultuous depending on the problems the parent or parents had. It could have been an ill parent, an unfaithful parent, it could have been arguing all the time, or the parent could be one that came and went. Today I want to speak to those that grew up with the Critic Parent. The one that ALWAYS had something negative to say or critiqued everything you did or every choice you made.
I grew up with one. Every choice you made, there was a better one. When you did your chores, there was always something you could have did better or forgot. When you did things to try to impress that parent, they were not all that impressed. Each time you did your hair or got dressed, they would frown up at your attire or choice and I am not talking about the typical parent-child disagreement about clothes and hair. This is beyond that. This is a tear down of the child. A ripping of their power to make choices and to feel good about their choices and themselves. All of this is about that and the child needing to be supported, guided, and free to be an individual. I felt singled out from all of my siblings. The boys in the family didn’t have this problem, but the only sister I had said she would experience it from time to time, but as soon as she was able to she left the house.
The constant stares, criticism, correction, and questioning of everything I did, said, or chose literally destroyed my self esteem. I was already an outsider with my red hair as an African American child, my brainy self, my extreme shyness, and artys personality. I wasn’t accepted in many circles and to be home and not accepted was traumatic to my sensitive soul. Did you know, that those who are artists and creative types have a spectrum on the emotional scale as more sensitive than normal and that can swing to more depressed than normal? I had no idea until I started seeing a psychologist. My mother always said “If you just look at me, I would start crying.” I wonder if she created that insecurity within me or fostered it. I don’t know.
I second guess everything I did, said, and every choice I made as a young adult. It caused me to be paralyzed with fear. I had no confidence. If this is normal mines was twice as bad. Even after choices were made I worried that I was wrong, I didn’t know what I was doing, there you go again…not getting it right. I was surprised when things worked out. An even then, I was not sure that things would be okay.
Many things contributed to my bouts of depression and need to want to escape this world by suicide. I know this was one of them. I equated a wrong choice in anything I did as a reflection of how I could never and would never get it right. Even the simplest things. I was beyond self conscious and not just in the way I look, but in the work I did. Even now I have to say “Hey, it’s good enough. You did your best.” I also had to learn to not do what was did to me to others and when I had my daughter, I vowed to not utilize that aspect of my parent. I did take all of the good from that parent, which was a lot, and use it.
I believe there are many reasons a parent does this. I think we expect parents to be perfect or to know better, but the truth is they are not perfect and they do not know “how to” always do better. Hurting people hurt other people. When we are children we don’t know or think about the fact our parents have lived some type of life before us and has experienced some type of childhood…both of these things either good, bad, or traumatic. These things have an effect on the parent as a child, as an adult, and as your parent. Many hurt parents have know idea of the psychological effects of their behavior on their children and we grow up to think many of the things we experienced were normal and acceptable until we meet other children and other adults. If you can’t recognize the signs of your behavior as detrimental to the shaping of the child, then you as the parent continue to do what you do. The generation before me were not privy to psychology or child psychology. They were too busy trying to make a living. The way they dealt with things were to not talk about them. But, guess what? Buried feelings and events of our lives are still alive if they are not dead. However, we as the children who grew up in some sort of tainted or warped environment, now have the privilege of that knowledge that we may be better parents and better human beings. We also have the work of healing ourselves from these scars.
I am now realizing that I survived by learning through trial and error, my commitment to not repeat those mistakes by taking different actions, some education about parenting, my relationship with God, the wisdom of the Spirit, other wise souls, and yes, therapy. I survived by accepting the relationship I have with that parent, sometimes calling them on their behavior and holding them accountable, and other times letting it go. I survived by releasing my anger and hurt. I survived with knowledge of the effects of trauma on people who never admit or talk about what’s really going on, but instead choose to respond with some outward action or to remain silent and bottled up.
However, for this leg of my journey at 42, I am here to be liberated this year and to be legendary in my doings. I need to THRIVE and not just survive. I thrive by forgiving and by forgiving I am free (liberated). I thrive by realizing that parent may never seek counseling, deliverance, or healing, but my choice to not feed into it or to have some compassion for the hurt child inside that parent, is liberating my emotions to choose happiness even if they are miserable. And all of that is a legendary step for my soul’s journey.
This weekend I had no plans and I was happy about it! I got a call from my friend Alicia and she wanted to know if I wanted to craft a summer wreath. I was happy to do this because this is not work. Plus, I like spending time with Alicia. She’s crafty and artsy so we vibe well. I had no idea what kind of wreath I was going to make and I am on a very very tight budget.
I had a foam wreath I bought last year on sale at Michael’s. It took forever, ever, for me to do this wreath and this is why many of them cost so much depending on the material and the time. It also depends on the size and type of wreath.
I left the material torn and weathered because this is beachy theme wreath. It’s a vibrant, driftwood, sandy, oceanic, type wreath with a bit of fun and a hint bling. I am so glad my hands did not swell doing this project (I have rheumatoid arthritis dis-ease). I had no idea what I was doing because I have never done one like this. I just went my own imagination and creative flow. I really love it.
I had piece of burlap ribbon left and I wrapped it around a relish jar to use for my bobby pins. It matches the decor in my bathroom. (No scraps left behind!)
Let the record show, I am really good at this! (LOL) or just very fortunate to find such great deals to enhance my wardrobe. This Le Suit jacket is a separate and retails from 59.99-79.99 and to get it, and it fits perfectly, for 24.99 was awesome. It will add a big pop of color to outfits. The pants below are by Kasper and I saw them for about 69.99-79.99 printed patterns. 9.99 is what I paid. I wore them for mother’s day as I opted for the cool and casual mom look. I added my 6.98 top from Target, a purse that was a gift from someone years ago, and Nine West shoes from TJ Maxx that I already had in the closet. I really like those shoes.
It seems as if everyone else is whizzing right past you as you “mosey” along or perhaps you are not moving at all. Maybe, you are stuck. Well, I have goals because I set goals. I have dreams and new dreams, new visions, things I want to see happen in the face of Rheumatoid Arthritis, Fibromyalgia and all of that other noise that seems to slow me down and sometimes get the best of me.
In the effort to lose weight, to achieve my other goals as well, it seems as if the well abled bodied people are just flying right past me. Soaring to their goals, and I, I am left behind in their dust. Me? I’m struggling to stay motivated. I can’t walk that fast, like I use to. I can’t use my hands very well today, I can’t stand as long as I use to, the fatigue…it’s what some call excuses, but it’s a reality for many of us. We are not who we use to be and oh if we would have known this was coming, we may have did the 5K or went back to school sooner.
Q: Dear God, Universe, Creator, Self, Spirit, how do I deal with all the feels of being left behind?
A: Take your eyes off others and put your eyes on me. Keep your eyes on “your” prize. Stop the comparison. It’s unfair and foolish to compare yourself with well abled bodied people and it’s unfair to compare yourself to the old self. You can’t be in the past and present at the same time. This is why you are not progressing as fast or at all.
So, with that revelation, I invite you to meditation and prayer. Center yourself during the times when you are “feeling” so much despair and disappointment. If I keep watching others I will fall. If I keep comparing myself to others, I will fail. If I keep living in the past, I can’t work in the present to prepare for my future. All eyes on the Creator. All eyes on the scriptures, affirmations, practices, that center your heart and mind.
We took a trip to Iowa and I went to a Goodwill store there. They had coats and Jackets on sale. I paid 13.99 for the St. John’s Bay, lined, double breasted coat on the left and the 5.99 for the corduroy jacket on the right. I will have them dry cleaned and put them away until the Fall/Winter. It pays if you are on a budget to check out some of these shops. I donate clothes to the Goodwill, Salvation Army, and thrift stores. I also consign. My mom always gave and she told us to never give something you wouldn’t want to wear. So, I make sure it’s in good condition and sometimes it’s brand new. There are people out there who do this and that’s how you find some great items. Both of these are excellent quality and excellent condition.