In life we make sacrifices. We sacrifice time and money. We sacrifice careers and education. Some have sacrificed their bodies, souls/lives.  I have recently learned in light of a very uncomfortable experience that when you sacrifice these things you in many ways sacrifice your mind energy for that period of time or during that experience and you can sacrifice your heart energy too. It’s nothing new. It’s that wiped out feeling I had every day after leaving a 12 hour job of pure hell. That is the mind energy depleted. This is what it feels like to me to have your mind energy spent. My heart energy depleting is the heaviness I felt getting ready for work that day and eventually on my days off I was sad/angry thinking about having to go to that job. It’s the heartache and heartbreaks we have had…heart energy. It’s all connected. All of the chakras, so to speak. And you know that but sometimes you don’t notice it.

However, I noticed those same feelings in other situations and around certain people but, I felt the need to sacrifice those things “for the greater good” because I thought I had to. I thought since I was being invited, since I wanted to see a few people, I had to deal with the negativity, the blatant disrespect, the bad vibes, the noise, the drama…

Well, Nikki, if it was that bad why do you or did you do it?

I can trace it all the way back to abuse and being taught in many ways that what you think and feel doesn’t matter. In a greater sense, what your body and soul feels doesn’t matter either. Pair that to being involved with a group that is quick to say feelings don’t really matter unless they are my feelings.

I backed tracked as to why my voice never shows up or waits so long to show up in certain situations and I can attribute this to the classic “I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings” all the while my feelings are being muddled. Therefore, without your voice you are powerless and continue for the greater good so you tell your self. Or to be nice. The nice people are usually nice to the people who are not nice to them.

I usually don’t “acknowledge” my voice until I have had enough or until I am bubbling over with anger. Oh, and that temper. I learned that I can spew some venom so, this is also a reason I don’t say anything when it comes to me. Yes. I will speak up for you though. The complexity of me. Sigh….Go to war for others but not myself.

Well, on this mandate to Excavate My Authentic Self this year, it’s time to  un-apologetically, say “I have had enough. My mind and heart energy can’t take this. It’s not only you, it’s me too. It’s just not working out people.” And as for me, and the few, I will have to meet them in a different circle, setting and environment.

~Nikki

Your mind and heart energy are important. Protect them. Some sacrifices have to be accessed. Is it worth my mind and heart energy? Why am I doing this? Does it make sense? Is there a better solution?

Protect (Guard) your heart with all diligence. For out of it flows the river of life. -The Bible