Watering Gratitude: Hopes and Dreams Drowned

“You took away my hopes and dreams of a family. Who’s going to want me now? What if they want children and I can’t have any more?” These are the accusations and questions I presented to God before and after I had a hysterectomy years ago. My fibroids and bleeding were so bad when the nurse called me after a blood test she asked, “My God! How are you still standing? Your iron level is so low!” Coming in after the test it was determined I had fibroids. However, as a black woman, I had to FIGHT doctors, particularly white male doctors, to take me seriously. It wasn’t the first time. But, it’s not just white male doctors, it’s doctors of cultures that see black women as less or women as less. (I often wonder why the hell are you a doctor if you can’t care for patients across the board?). It was a white woman that had a traumatizing childbirth that taught me to advocate for my health. I took care of her and the baby for two weeks.

Going from specialist to specialist they finally saw the fibroids. I had no choice at the time but to have them removed. I was devastated. I wanted to have more children IF I were to marry. It wasn’t going to happen. I went in fora surgery that was supposed to take 4 hours but it took much longer. When I woke up, the room seemed to be shaking, jittery. I could not focus my vision. One of my lovely Indian doctors grabbed my foot and said, “Mrs. Jackson, we almost lost you. You lost a lot of blood and this is why you may not be able to focus right now. Just close your eyes and listen to me.” I felt her still holding my foot. “We started off trying to do laser surgery but, where you had a C-section, the skin was so thick, we could not get through. We had to cut you and remove the fibroids. We also found another unseen fibroid underneath. You will need a blood transfusion.

Recovery was an ordeal. Here is how my gratitude for LIFE itself, breath itself, was watered: When I thought about how I could have died on that operating table and left my daughter, my family, my friends, I was so, so appreciative of life in a deeper, greater way than I had ever been before. It made every problem around me, including not being able to have more children and who would want to be with me, pale in comparison. I was beyond happy and beyond grateful to JUST EXIST. To see my daughter’s face and to feel her tiny hand after the surgery. I was happy to hear her voice and to see my parents. They were all there during the surgery.

Many times, after healing from that surgery (as I was still dealing (and healing) with not being able to have more children or grappling with life’s issues), I would recall how I could not have been alive and my problems seem to shrink some. I breathe and say, “I am grateful to be here. I am still here. I have many purposes in this life. I am grateful. This too, (whatever I am facing) will pass.”

Gratitude watered.


Sunday Morning Coffee Musings: A Lesson in Everything? Tuh!

I walked out to the front yard Wednesday morning to water my plants. I discovered someone had stolen my nozzle (sprayer). It was my favorite out of all the ones I’d had previously. It was sturdy, quality, and endured all of the times I forgot to put it away during winters. I was highly irritated that someone had taken it but even more disturbed that someone had the audacity to come on my property! I immediately went to the store and found the exact one I had. I was relieved. So, where is the lesson?

People shouldn’t steal. I should have put it away (but I feel I shouldn’t have to because it’s on my property but, I know we all live among thieves. Even in the suburbs which I do not live in.) I believe those are the obvious lessons. The natural lessons. The more spiritual lesson for me (us?) is to take care of the little things that bring you happiness, pleasure like you do the big things that bring you happiness, pleasure. Cherish the small moments that bring you peace. Cherish the lull in conversation with someone you adore, admire, love, and like. Cherish doing nothing with a loved one like sitting on the porch or in the backyard. Think of the last time you had a chat with someone you hadn’t spoken to in a while. How precious was that moment? Pay attention and put away in your heart, in your memory, the small things that light you up.

I certainly didn’t treat the nozzle like it was my favorite. I tossed it near the hose. I left it out year-round. Terrible. My oldest brother told me a few years ago to put away my tools and store them properly and they will last a long time. I didn’t listen. I also had to replace my garden wand because…I left it out all year long. There must be a small crack or the washer shrunk due to the drastic temperature changes. When I turned it on water sprayed everywhere onto me! I was soaked lol! So, put away/take care, literally and figuratively, of the small things/moments you cherish.


Q and A with God

Photo by Pamela Marie on Pexels.com


I was praying my regular prayer this morning and as usual I go off track. I started hitting God with a barrage of questions. Questions like why do good people have to fight evil all of the time? Why can’t we have a winning season or months years or a decade? And why does it seem like others people progress is quicker than mine’s? Why does my progress seem so slow? Why does love take so long for some of us?

I continue to ask more questions and then I say I know you’re not going to answer me or maybe you will hopefully soon.

I open up the book I’ve been reading in the mornings or most mornings and this is what I see and read:

When you see the world through the eyes of a Christ, you no longer feel yourself to be the victim of anything. There is nothing to fight. There’s nothing to prove, and no one to prove it to. When everyone is whizzing by you it does not disturb your inner peace.

When you hold on to things that have happened, they take up space in your lives. When you keep repeating the sagas and the dramas, they take up precious spiritual, emotional, and physical space in your life. When you wear your scars like Merit badges, or name tags, then you are WEDDED to them. You become available to them because you are available to whatever has your attention. What has your attention, my children? -The Sacred Yes by Reverend Deborah L Johnson


Sunday Morning Coffee Musings: Spring Peptalk

My Aloe Vera Plant, Gloria

“Thoughts that are out of alignment with your spiritual truth are toxic”- The Sacred Yes

Spring is the NEW YEAR.

You may now FEEL like doing those things you set out to do on the Gregorian calendar in December/January. You might feel more energetic, optimistic, refreshed. It took me a while to start moving along with nature and God.

I’m still learning to be attentive of the seasons and the timing of them. And leaves, flowers, vegetation, don’t just happen overnight in spring. There’s a process underneath and within. And even that process is affected by its region, environment, and weather.

Purge your space, circle, mind, body, and spirit.

Get your fresh nourishment. Get your fresh information. You’ve written the vision and now your steps are being ordered. Introduce some movement, action to the vision, dreams, goals.


Hey, Bloggers! What’s New for 2022?

New year 2022 and old year 2021 on sandy beach with waves

What are you doing different with your blog in 2022? Are you making big changes, tweaking things? Or is your blog running smoothly and you plan to keep doing what’s working?

I’ve already changed my plan to give my site a different and fresh look for the new year. I think my popular post, “Sunday Morning Coffee Musings” deserves its own category, so I created one for it. I also removed several categories that I felt could be combined into one or eliminated altogether.

Another thing I am working on is giving my blog a total “energy” makeover. While “confetti” is symbolism for variety, I’d like to pull it together and give it some uniformity. “They” told me I had to pick one thing and blog about it if I wanted to have a successful blog. I thought how boring that would be for me. I opted to blog about a variety of things and to forget having a successful blog if that’s what it would take. With that being said, there is a way to bring variety into uniformity and this is my attempt at it.

What about you, my friends? What are you doing with your blogs in 2022?