Sunday Morning Coffee Musings: Parenting Young Adults Coming Home for Summer Break

I’m not sure how to tell you this but, your young adult is now a young adult. They have been off to college doing whatever they wanted to. Going to bed when they get ready, eating what they want, hanging out with friends, and making decisions about their wellbeing, relationships, and life. You, too, have been relieved of some of your duty to parenting them by not making these decisions for them. It seems to me they have done okay as they are returning to you alive and perhaps well. “Well” is up for discussion because going to college produces stress and mental health issues so many parents are unaware of but that’s another topic to explore.

As they return home, to your home, their home, they may need some help adjusting and you, too. Brace yourself, they have friends they want to see, places they want to go, and things they want to do that do not involve you. This may make you feel left out and unwanted. This is the moment you may need to remember; those feelings are valid but they are not facts about how your young adult feels about you.

I have learned not to plan out my daughter’s schedule and not to hog all of her time. Keyword, learned. I didn’t think about or take into consideration the things I mentioned above. Also, they may want to lay around the house and that’s okay. College life has been hectic. I usually give my daughter two weeks to just chill and semi-chill. The first week I don’t require anything. The second week she has to begin helping with dishes, cleaning and meals. I don’t tell her when to do her laundry or if she should fold it or not. She’s been doing laundry at school. HER WAY. I don’t tell her to eat. I only ask that we eat dinner together if she doesn’t have plans to be out because that’s been a staple in our family.

She doesn’t have to check with me for permission to make plans with her friends. I only require to know where she is going and that she comes home no later than 2 a.m. Yes. 2 a.m. and she’s usually back before then. She checks in or I check in on her from time to time while she is out. She texts to let me know she is on the way home. This is something we both came to an understanding on. I think it’s important to tell your children, sincerely, why you want to know where they are and who they are with. It’s okay to tell them you care and worry about their safety and it eases your mind to know they are okay. I had to explain I am not coming where you are or I’m not trying to monitor your every move but, if you need me or something happens, I will have a general idea of where you were. What if I didn’t let you know I was going to a particular mall and you haven’t heard from me in 3 hours? Honestly, wouldn’t you call me? Of course, she would. I am pretty sure she goes places in between. We all do it at times.

I ask for us to spend some time together. Well, I had to do this in the beginning and now it’s just expected. I throw out some ideas or events in the city we could attend together or just a movie or binge night. We get our laptops and game (Yes, I do some gaming) or surf social media. We snack and just vibe. She usually outlasts me staying up. Also, I let her know ahead of time what family events are happening and she usually knows which ones are negotiable.

We talk about moods and attitudes. I have them. You have them. They have them. If I don’t want to be bothered, if I have something on my mind, if I am dealing with anxiety or depression, I say so. If I don’t know what I’m feeling, I say that, too. We have learned to ask, “Would you like to talk about it? Do you need me to just listen or give advice? Is there anything I can do for you?” Now, I don’t advise talking about certain things with your young adult. They have their own burdens but using wisdom to let them in on some things is okay. I think it lets them know that you’re human and not just a parent lol. My daughter has actually given some great advice and peptalks.

This summer, I am trying something new. I wanted to set an intention or a tone to the summer. What is it that I want from the summer and what is it I want to give? I asked her to think about the same thing. So often we have different ideas on what we want our summer or vacation or time off to be about (when we have days off not for appointments or illness). Do you want it to be filled with activities? Do you want to have some activities or a few major activities? Do you want to lounge around? Travel extensively or not at all? What’s the tone or mood for this summer? We asked her to get some rest this summer as next semester is her last before graduation. She’s been working on campus and during the summer at home. She plans to work less. I encourage her to enjoy time with her friends and family more this summer.

All of this really takes a mindset change and if you have young children, it is pertinent you develop a deeper relationship with your child other than I am your authority figure, your protector and provider. Get to know your child. Your ever-changing child. Share some life lessons that come not at a time of frustration or in the form of a teaching moment once they have done something wrong. Listen to thier ideas and don’t be so quick to correct, shoot them down, or judge. I told my daughter she could tell me anything. She could call me about anything. If she needed a ride home from a party I would come and get her and her friends without yelling and fussing. I would indeed have a talk the next day. So far, I haven’t had to pick her up from a party but she does call about anything and I have to refrain from judging or seeing her as me. She is not me.


Sunday Morning Coffee Musings: Know When to Walk Away, Know When to Run


It’s ironic that Kenny Rogers passed on yesterday and I was thinking of using the lyrics from one of his songs as a blog titled. First, let me say, Rest in Love to Mr. Rogers. I always thought he was handsome and enjoyed his music, his voice.

It’s been a few weeks since I’ve had another dating “lesson” (not fail). It really wasn’t much of a lesson. It was more like a blessing and a test. I am happy to report I passed the test with flying colors. EVERYTHING was going smooth. I was really digging this guy, but I was also holding back a little. I think that is what made the difference as far as not being terribly disappointed. Listening to my intuition telling me to hold back, slow down, no rush, was key. TRUSTING THAT INTUITION. The evidence, however, came from God’s revelation of showing me what was hidden, what I could not see. Once revealed and after an all day conversation, the individual dropped communication just as easy as he had began it with me.

Listen, you don’t have to have HUGE pieces of evidence, huge RED flags blowing in the wind, you don’t have to collect small pieces of evidence, you just need to KNOW what you KNOW with the evidence you have. Pretending that you don’t see it, feel it, know it, is one of the worse things you can do. Another thing we do is when talking to an individual and the “stuff” (I want to say shit, but I am being nice & Christian like today), they are saying doesn’t make sense or barely makes sense, IS TO ACCEPT THE BULL! Why would you accept it? Maybe, you really like the person or don’t want to be alone. None of those are good reasons and you need to do some deep healing and soul searching to find out why you want to hold on to thorns thinking you have a rose when you really have a cactus.

If you see the signs in the beginning, get a feeling in the middle, you can trust it’s something going on after you have ruled your own insecurities out. If it feels off it’s because it is off. There is no time for trying to figure out, who, what, when, where, and how. There is no need for debates and explanations. No need for the WHY ME Lord. Sometimes you’ve got to get out of there and hit the road. Walking or Running. Don’t gamble with your heart or life. Certainly, don’t let others.

You’ve got to know when to hold ’em
Know when to fold ’em
Know when to walk away
And know when to run
You never count your money
When you’re sittin’ at the table
There’ll be time enough for countin’
When the dealin’s done

-Kenny Rogers, Gambler




Do You Want to Get Married?


Yesterday, a guy asked me if I wanted to get married (not as in a proposal ha!) I said “I don’t know and I know that is strange coming from a woman,but maybe not. Most of the time I do but, today I am not sure.”

I remember when my answer to this question was a certainty. A resounding “Yes!” And then in my late 20’s to my 30’s I think it was more of saying yes to this question, trying to convince myself that I still did want to get married. I mean what woman wouldn’t want to? (You don’t have to answer that because I do know not every woman wants to be married) As I reflected on my answer last night and this morning I logged onto Facebook and began to scroll my timeline. Someone had posted the 8 a.m. service of my church so I clicked the play button.

He talked about remembering, visions, dreams, and revelation. I remembered the dream I had at the beginning of the year where I was attending my niece’s wedding (she is already married), and a very good friend was there whom I trust more than most. Well in this dream my niece had on a lavender robe (her favorite color is purple/lavender) but, everything  involving the wedding was pink. A soft pink. The bridesmaid dresses were pink and I had one on. The flowers were a mixture of pinks. I held up some lingerie which was a gift to her and I said “What are you going to do with this?” And we both laughed and laughed. When I went out to the living area, it was if we were in a suite, my friend was there in a suit. He said “Someday, you are going to make a beautiful bride.” And then I woke up.

I researched the color pink down to the shades. I found that the color I was wearing and that mostly dominated the dream was symbolic of hope. I immediately got the message “Keep hope alive. Never let your hope of being married wither.” You keep hope alive by actively choosing faith. Hope and faith, like many other things are connected in the spiritual realm of this world and our lives. If you lose hope, faith can waver or dissipates over time. If you lose faith, hope wavers or dissipates over time. However you spin it, they belong together.

I accessed my feelings in relation to the question asked. How have you been feeling lately Nikki about relationships and dating? I have been feeling doubtful, frustrated, impatient. This is why I answered, “I don’t know.” My pastor reminded me that vision and dreams are connected and you needed to remember what God, (or your source-that’s me talking to you), has promised you. Also, God will give a revelation, instructions, on how to go about making the dream manifest. You just do as the instructions come or as the instructions say. This could be about anything. For me, at that moment is was about the marriage. It was about me remembering the many dreams I have had about love, relationships, and marriage. It was about connecting my vision of what love looks like and what love means to me, to dreams I’ve been given and following the instructions (like blocking a number of some crazy guy I met) or hearing the voice of the Spirit say “This guy still has feelings for his ex. Keep your heart to yourself.”….so you see, revelation must be followed. Do you want to get married? Yes. Yes I do.


In the Meantime


Some people will never know this feeling because they are out one thing and into another before they have a chance to TRULY go through the process of a relationship detox. I know. I did that to myself for years. I didn’t want to FEEL the lows of being single, the deflating of being a couple, so I found something or something found me and I jumped right in.

(SIDE BAR: When you are hurting or angry or nonchalant after a serious breakup or divorce, you are vulnerable to attracting negative energy masquerading as light whether you know it or not. It’s the prime opportunity for people to come in and situations to be created that will many times end up being worse than what you experienced before or adding salt to the unhealed wounds.)

Getting under someone else or with someone else to show the world or your ex that “You are just fine without them” is really doing more harm to you than them. When the feeling wears off and you realize, you really don’t like that person or love that person as much as you thought you did, you’ve got to break up or break it off with them, too. You used them. You have to pay for that.

Let me tell you what it really takes to feel good to be single. It takes TIME. It takes making a CHOICE to BE HAPPY being SINGLE. It takes, CHANGING the way the world has told you to think about being single. Therefore, producing a bad feeling about being single because thoughts and feelings are connected. It takes a DEEP INTROSPECTIVE PROBE of your good and not so good behaviors. It takes EMBRACING your good and WORKING on your not so good. It takes enduring the LONELY moments. And right there my friends is the critical moment that you either decide to jump into bed or a relationship to get rid of that feeling or you pray your way through, you do something, you feel it, you deal with it-that will make or break you. You don’t get into anything based on a feeling of loneliness. Because loneliness is a tricky feeling. You have to feel it and once it passes MAKE a decision. Loneliness comes and goes. Feelings and Emotions are two different things. It takes a REAL understanding of WHO YOU ARE without another person. It takes LEARNING to enjoy every day, every experience, without always being attached to a thought “If only my soul mate was here.” It’s a HOLDING ON TO HOPE that in due time it will all come together while you are DOING YOU (working your gifts and talents in the EARTH). IT IS NOT AN ANGRY SHOUT TO THE WORLD OF I DON’T NEED OR WANT ANY ONE BECAUSE that is exactly what you will get. It’s a very relaxed state of mind and CHILL ZONE if you will.

Listen, walk the woods of being single. It’s all dandy in the daytime but, when night falls it gets a little lonely and scary but guess what? It will be day time tomorrow. And after a while you will get use to the night time. Before you know it, you will be out of the woods of the initial “single” mental/emotional challenge and you will be walking where it is more day than night. And when night does come, you won’t be so afraid that you are willing to hold on to anything-even if it is not something or someone created for you.