Turning 43. It is Well Within Me.

Yesterday I turned 43.

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For the past 3 years I have been struggling, wrestling with life and gaining this invaluable wisdom. I often have to create happiness and it doesn’t come easy in the trenches of this journey. However, something about 43 seems promising and that in itself makes me feel effortlessly really, really good about 43. I feel this easy optimism concerning my life. There has always been a light at the end of the tunnel and as I say I am the light in the tunnel. I think I am just closer and I can feel fresh wind. I can breathe fresh air. Soon, I will have a 360 degree view of a better life and more work to do as I build something new.

And what I also feel about 43 is the fullness of the responsibility and freedom of this is my life. I choose. You don’t choose. My religion doesn’t choose. I choose. I get to boldly live it. I get to boldly do it. Psalms 43 talks about a vindication by God. I am feeling I just may very well be vindicated by God and if I can be vindicated by God then what would I need with anyone’s approval? Whew….

43. This odd number. This oddly refreshing stage. This reset. This work of manifest destiny. This optimism. This love by design and choice. This freestyle. This get all back and make some more. This nope, I don’t want that. This nope, I don’t want to do that. This nope, I change my mind. This yes, above all things I prosper and be in peace.

I call 43-“The Journey is Well Within.” Enough soul work has been done so that I might LIVE peacefully among myself. Yet, until we leave this realm there will be more to do.

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~Nikki

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Five Things About 42 Before 43

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  1. It was legendary because I stretched out my faith, moved beyond my fears, and took leaps
  2. Some wounds by those closest to you can change the dynamics of the relationship forever even after you have forgiven them
  3. Not my circus. Not my monkey. Liberation.
  4. I don’t need anyone to sign off on my relationship with God. No one gets to decide if I am a REAL CHRISTIAN. Liberation
  5. I don’t need to be believed or understood. I don’t need to explain. I am who I am. I be who I be. Liberation.

~Nikki

My 42 Journey was about Liberation and Legendary Actions

Have Not…Yet.

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Some people with much more money, a bigger home, power coupled up, degreed line walls, will have an attitude towards you and you have none of those things…yet (maybe you don’t even want any of that to a degree)…Sometimes they will do all they can to STOP your progression. They can’t believe your audacity of HOPE, they can’t believe you even THINK YOU CAN rise up. These people are usually insecure and unhappy somewhere in their own lives. Pray for them. Heap those hot coals over their head (Bible) and keep on pushing. Let God prepare that table for you. It’s harvest time.

Nikki

Liberation Journey Log: I Don’t Apologize for Being A Christian that Reads

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“Only read the Bible and books by other Christians because you don’t want to become “led astray” or “confused.” I remember when I was in high school and one of my classmates was a Muslim. It was in various conversations I discovered there were many levels, simplicities, and complexities to exactly what that meant for him. It was one day in gym, a day where we didn’t have to dress out, when we had this conversation about some differences in our faiths. Two young people, discussing differences, without arguing, but to seek an understanding of “why” we see or believe things that way.

No insults were traded. No belittlement. Disbelief? Yes. Shock? Yes. Ah hah moments? Yes. Thought provoking and respectful. He said he would bring the Holy Koran to school since I had never seen one. I told my mom and she cautioned me as she had been cautioned. He brought it to school. I looked at it. I was like “Wow. Cool.” I mean what did you expect from a teenager. It was like an Indiana Jones moment. I came home and said, “Hey, Mom. Still Christian. Just letting you know.” She seemed to be relieved. I thought it was humorous.

The things is, I had been reading all kinds of books from Astrology to History. I am curious about almost everything and I lived directly behind a library.  It was only natural to seek more information and explore ideas about God outside of my faith. Was I confused? Sure about some things. But, many things only confirmed what I had always thought about God anyways. Thank goodness I read other books, spiritually led to them, taking what is true for me and letting things in the books that were not, go. When you read something, that you are led to, you must learn to EAT the FISH and SPIT out the BONES. You do not have to believe everything in a book. If it aligned itself to my core beliefs, if it aligned itself to my spirit, I was good with it. I never thought about leaving Christ. Yet, I have thought about leaving Christianity in a sense of how it is viewed by those in it and those on the outside looking in. I hate to be constrained in any way!

I read. I read outside of my faith and it has created a freedom in me I can’t explain. It allows me to be respectful to others who do not believe what I believe and it has given me a command to not be in company with those who cannot respect my beliefs. This includes other Christians as well. Who are we in respect to the Creator? We do not know it all. We do not have it all. NONE OF US DO. I have no need to put you in a Heaven or Hell. Though, I do believe there are just somethings that must be accounted for…

So, I don’t apologize for the books I read. God put the quest in me to discover what God means and who God is to me on another level than just what is between 66 books. We don’t have all of that either. How can anyone have all of God? You do not own Spirit.

One thing reading has done is allowed me to appeal to the spirit of a person. I have no qualms about what you believe or not unless it is used to harm others. It has taught me that I don’t have to understand you, to respect you. I don’t have to feel sorry for you because you do not believe what I believe. I don’t have to make you believe what I believe. I don’t have to change you. Heck, I don’t have the power to change you. Only you can change you.

Deep calleth unto the deep. If it hasn’t called you, don’t worry about me.

~Nikki