Sunday Morning Coffee Musing: Throw “That” Back

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What a week! Drama and Resolutions. Busy Mom, Sister, Daughter, and Auntie (which I always enjoy family), working on a project and just well, life. By the time Friday evening arrived I was exhausted and my legs (fibromyalgia) were giving me pure hell up until this morning. I finally have relief. This morning’s coffee musing is all about “throwing that back” and I don’t mean from the world of rap and hip hop where you shake your butt!

If something is not what you want or desire in your head, heart, and life then “throw that back.” If you are fishing and you pull up a shoe, I am sure you would either throw that back or recycle it. But trust me, the drama, the lies, the games, the people that want to stay sleep walking through life,  does not need to be recycled. Just throw all of that back. Back to the pits of hell or wherever it came from. If it arrives at your door unannounced then throw it back out. In fact, refuse to let it in. Once you realize that it is negative, a time waster, hurtful, then you need to get rid of it or neatly file it away under “not my problem.” We waste time on issues that people don’t want to resolve. We waste time on drama where people clearly enjoy drama and I say leave them to their drama and destruction and just be there to help pick up the pieces. You can not, CAN NOT,  help people that are:

1. Not telling you the whole truth and nothing but the truth

2. Love a life filled with hellishness

3. Don’t even know or care they have a problem

4. Just want attention

5. Don’t heed the advice give you

6. Have issues beyond your expertise

7. Liars and manipulators

8. Not ready for change

Now, if you find yourself getting into a funk about people and things out of your control(like I did this week), and it bothers your thoughts, throw all of that back. In my mind I picked up all the bull—- they brought or I went and got and put it back on their porch.

“Here ya go. Sorry I picked up this “crap.” I thought you needed help disposing of it but, I can clearly see this has turned into a crap slinging fest and it’s really messy. I don’t like messy.” -Nikki

 

 

Parenting Confetti: Today She Turns 17

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Today my daughter turns 17. 17! I remember the day and the days ahead were filled with concern as to how I would survive this world with a child and as a single parent. I look at her and think, “Wow. You’re actually okay. I am doing pretty good as a parent. Somehow. It’s a miracle!” Somehow by the grace of God, the foundation of firm principles laid by my parents, wisdom I ask for almost daily, and through trial, error, and experience she’s a pretty good young lady. There is no perfect parenting because there is no perfect parent. However, I try to make sure I am doing the best I can.

I take an active approach to improving not only myself as a person but, myself as a parent. Am I being the best parent I can be? What can I learn to help me? What can do differently? Did I say I was sorry? Did I say I was wrong? I read. I pray about it, too and ask for guidance. I approach every year by trying to remember what it was like to be 17. I read any article about being 17. I stay up on trends and current issues. I like to be “in the know” about what she knows. And I do my best to guide this leg of her journey. However, I have started to prepare myself for letting go and being more of the guide and not the driver. I think I may have started her first year in high school more so than middle school. (It’s never going to be easy no matter how much you prepare! And you’re never going to really let go!)

Some parents seem to believe that when their children turn 18 they are an adult and you let them go. You turn them loose. You let them do whatever they want to do.  You are done. I beg to differ. They need you all the more in their young adulthood but, in a different capacity. Whether they listen or not, is totally up to them. Hopefully, we have established a good enough relationship, and I believe we have, that we can at least have the conversations needed in certain times. She’s pretty honest about how she feels. I asked her how does she feel being 17. Nervous? Getting close to being independent? She said yes. I told her she will be fine. I would be there to help. To push. To prod. To fuss. 🙂 To teach. To learn with her. Things have changed. We have to adjust as parents and we have to know when to hold to certain principles, values, and morals. I am thinking person. Analytical, logical, and emotional. (Ha!). And because we have to do so much as a parent other than clothe, feed, and shelter, this is why it’s impossible to get everything right.

Cheers to 17! Here are a few articles I have read

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/parenting-without-power-struggles/201211/my-17-year-old-daughter-is-drifting-away

https://www.verywellfamily.com/your-complete-guide-to-parenting-a-17-year-old-2608693

https://www.verywellfamily.com/behavior-and-daily-routines-17-year-old-teen-2608692

 

~Nikki

 

Sunday Morning Coffee Musing: Not My Problem, Not My Relationship, Not My Marriage

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However we end up intertwined with other people’s problems, our adult children, friends, family, parents or coworkers, at some point, when it’s an ongoing problem they refuse to fix, we have to bow out. The bow out may not be gracefully. It may be a barging out, a tip toeing out, or a slow walk backwards in order to preserve our sanity, our own happiness, and to enjoy the rest of the life we have on this earth.

~Nikki

 

Can We Be Friends If You Can’t Understand Rheumatoid Disease is a DIS-EASE?

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When Rheumatoid Arthritis was in remission, yes, it is a disease that can go into remission, I was living it up! Going going gone! A whirlwind of endless fun and good times. My energy was unbelievable. People would say “You are always on the go” or “You walk by so fast it’s like a blur!” Working 10 hour days 5 days a week and then getting all the overtime I wanted. At one job, working 12 hour days and filling in days and nights. It was nothing. I would rest later. I was a mom that was full of energy and I thank God I had that time when my daughter was very small and RA didn’t come until here tween years. Yet, I often feel guilty that we aren’t out and about as much as I would like and often I get tired or hurt before a day of fun is over.

I’m okay with who I am and how I have to operate to preserve my body and my peace of mind. I have found that others, strangers, friends and family are not. I have pretty much embraced that RA has returned and it brought along some of it’s friends; fibromyalgia, osteoarthritis, and diabetes to ensure my demise. Epic fail indeed! I am still alive, well, and kicking. Albeit, in a different and new way that I am getting use to.

If I go home because I can’t go hard is that a strike against me? Am I the party pooper? If I need a break, a nap, or choose to chill when we are on vacation, am I boring? How so? What you eat doesn’t make me poop! So what I do shouldn’t make you constipated. What people like me want is your understanding, not your criticism. We don’t really want your sympathy, but your empathy and really I don’t need that. I prefer you to understand and keep the party going without me. True, I am the life of the party (haaaaaaa!!!!!) when I am in party and wilding out mode but, in reality the party goes on. So you don’t have to talk about us behind our backs and you can keep the rolling of the eyes, too. If you can’t adapt to the new me and yet I am the one carrying the load and I have adjusted my new crown, then I don’t think we can be friends.

Do what I do. Enjoy those moments when I am riding high. Cutting up and laughing. Enjoy those times that I can pull an all niter, when I am on the floor dancing (something I love to do) and I am hosting a party on my feet making sure you enjoy your night. Note, I will have to pay dearly for the physical things I do later and for how long and how bad is anyone’s guess. It’s a sacrifice willingly made. Google Rheumatoid Arthritis Disease, Fibromyalgia, etc.  to understand what your friend or person you love is going through and HOW it IMPACTS their life. Heck, (really wanted to say hell), talk to them and LISTEN. It impacts everyone differently.

In all your gathering of information, cures, judgments, undocumented medical advice and unsolicited advice, get an understanding by caring enough to understand the needs of a person you call a friend or family member. Know that I am always grateful and appreciative of natural remedies, exercises to help me, or even friends that call to tell me about a medication. I know that they are thinking about me.

get-understanding

~Nikki

 

Single Life Confetti: Loving Yourself Beyond Treating Yourself

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She said “I do love myself. I get my hair done, I get my nails done, I take myself out to nice places, you know, I treat myself.” Yet, she continues in a job she hates, she moves from man to man, she allows the mistreatment of her heart, mind, and body. She is unfulfilled spiritually and goes through the motions as a single parent. Question: Has it ever occurred to you that loving yourself goes DEEPER than an hour long mani and pedi? Beyond expensive purses and exotic trips?

Those things are surface and fine. However, I urge you to search for a deeper love of self that involves self-worth, self-esteem building and fulfilling your destiny. I urge to a deeper connection to being in the present moment with your child/children if you are single parent. I urge you to a commitment to living in the now. Seek healing from the past wounds. Discover what is you want, need and desires in a relationship and don’t accept anything less that God given. Define what a healthy relationship to you. What are your values and your morals and grow your roots in them? Take care of your body via exercise and healthier choices. Invest in quality time with the religion you have chosen. TREAT YOURSELF to a JOYFUL, expanding life and not fleeting happiness or relationships (friendships or “workships”) that are everything you DON’T desire.

~Nikki

Discoveries From “My Authentic Self” Journey 2016

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I HAVE FOUND THE POWER BEHIND MY VOICE AGAIN.

I’d lost the power behind my voice. I would say something and when someone would challenge what I said, I would try to explain. If someone would insult my intelligence I would just ignore it. When in reality I wanted to assert myself or opinion. They made me feel as if my thoughts, my opinions, my feelings were wrong and theirs were right. They were not trying to get an UNDERSTANDING of Nicole, they were trying to get a session to berate me. They were trying to have a debate about what I THOUGHT, I FELT, OR I BELIEVE.  Some wanted to tell me what I should feel and think when I had already told them what I thought and felt. They wanted to argue for the sake of arguing and not seek to understand. Many times, they wanted me to THINK as they THINK. Feel what they feel.

Let me tell you about Nicole. I don’t care what you think. I don’t care what you feel about politics, the Bible, gay people, cakes, pies, sports, natural hair, permed hair, tutus, etc. I don’t care enough to argue with you about it, to try and change you, to insult you. I have an understanding that you and I are two different people. We all are individuals with similarities and differences based on how we were raised, religions, race, experiences, and environments. I seek to understand your view and perspective. I don’t seek to destroy your theory, crush your heart, and tear your views a part. I get no joy or satisfaction out of being right or making you look stupid. I don’t feel empowered when I use a plethora of verbal assaults and curse words. I don’t seek to demean you, I seek to learn more about you.

The POWER in my voice to say “Look, if you want to discuss why I think the way I think, feel the way I feel, view the way I view, believe what I believe that is what we can do. If you are trying to understand me, that is awesome. I don’t need you to change me. I don’t mind being enlightened and even that is a choice of consciousness and you cannot beat it into me by belittling my religion/ideas/beliefs. You cannot change my preferences by calling me dumb or saying that’s stupid or calling me out of my name.”

The POWER TO BE QUIET is an option. The ability to discern when a person wants to argue and not discuss is sharpened. If I discover, “Oh, this is an argument to show me how stupid that sounds or how I should think like them or how I don’t make sense because they can’t comprehend it…” to say “Hey, let’s talk about something else because I am not going to change my thoughts or feelings” is POWER behind your voice. I don’t have to explain a damn thing about me. I don’t even want you to explain a damn thing about you that I don’t “get.” I’m not here to “get” everything about everybody or you. I am here to understand and when I don’t that is okay. When I don’t agree, that is okay. When I ask, trust me it will be to better understand you as a person and not to change your mind. It will be to exchange views and not to exchange profanity, put downs, rolled eyes, insults, conversion, etc.

~Nikki

 

Truthful Tuesdays

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Whatever you do, let love be your motivation. In a situation like this, where people have made you want to “get back at them” or retaliate, CHOOSE to move away with love and SHOW YOURSELF how much you LOVE yourself by doing what you came here to do or by letting them go. You don’t have to show anyone anything except yourself. You don’t have to show the Creator what the Creator already knows you can do. Don’t let humiliation be your fire extinguisher. Let love and strength be your fire.

~Nikki