In the Meantime

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Some people will never know this feeling because they are out one thing and into another before they have a chance to TRULY go through the process of a relationship detox. I know. I did that to myself for years. I didn’t want to FEEL the lows of being single, the deflating of being a couple, so I found something or something found me and I jumped right in.

(SIDE BAR: When you are hurting or angry or nonchalant after a serious breakup or divorce, you are vulnerable to attracting negative energy masquerading as light whether you know it or not. It’s the prime opportunity for people to come in and situations to be created that will many times end up being worse than what you experienced before or adding salt to the unhealed wounds.)

Getting under someone else or with someone else to show the world or your ex that “You are just fine without them” is really doing more harm to you than them. When the feeling wears off and you realize, you really don’t like that person or love that person as much as you thought you did, you’ve got to break up or break it off with them, too. You used them. You have to pay for that.

Let me tell you what it really takes to feel good to be single. It takes TIME. It takes making a CHOICE to BE HAPPY being SINGLE. It takes, CHANGING the way the world has told you to think about being single. Therefore, producing a bad feeling about being single because thoughts and feelings are connected. It takes a DEEP INTROSPECTIVE PROBE of your good and not so good behaviors. It takes EMBRACING your good and WORKING on your not so good. It takes enduring the LONELY moments. And right there my friends is the critical moment that you either decide to jump into bed or a relationship to get rid of that feeling or you pray your way through, you do something, you feel it, you deal with it-that will make or break you. You don’t get into anything based on a feeling of loneliness. Because loneliness is a tricky feeling. You have to feel it and once it passes MAKE a decision. Loneliness comes and goes. Feelings and Emotions are two different things. It takes a REAL understanding of WHO YOU ARE without another person. It takes LEARNING to enjoy every day, every experience, without always being attached to a thought “If only my soul mate was here.” It’s a HOLDING ON TO HOPE that in due time it will all come together while you are DOING YOU (working your gifts and talents in the EARTH). IT IS NOT AN ANGRY SHOUT TO THE WORLD OF I DON’T NEED OR WANT ANY ONE BECAUSE that is exactly what you will get. It’s a very relaxed state of mind and CHILL ZONE if you will.

Listen, walk the woods of being single. It’s all dandy in the daytime but, when night falls it gets a little lonely and scary but guess what? It will be day time tomorrow. And after a while you will get use to the night time. Before you know it, you will be out of the woods of the initial “single” mental/emotional challenge and you will be walking where it is more day than night. And when night does come, you won’t be so afraid that you are willing to hold on to anything-even if it is not something or someone created for you.

~Nikki

 

 

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Single Fathers. A personal observation.

 

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A single father’s day is different in many ways depending on various things such as the relationship with the child/children, if he is divorced, if he has a good relationship with the mother or not. How would I know? I’m the product of a two parent home, my father was a step father, and I have four brothers whom have been married, still married, and divorced. I have really good male friends who are single fathers . I’ve seen a ray of emotions and drama involving the children. I’ve even seen trauma. I also am a single parent. This is my personal perspective… Do note that.

Some children still love a father that was never there or half way there regardless of how the mother feels and in spite of the poison they’ve injected into the minds of the children. Children still love their father after a divorce. Sometimes it takes a while for them to understand and sometimes it takes until adulthood. Some children never forgive… Even as adults. Children choose to see no wrong as they see their father as a hero regardless. Children can even love a step father as much as their own father, and sometimes more. They can also make up in their minds that they will never love a step father as much as they love their biological father. No matter how good the step father is.

I’ve seen fathers who were absent for years be present in the adulthood of their children. I’ve seen them be better grandparents than fathers. I’ve seen a step father inherit grandchildren from a step daughter and is dearly called grandpa.  I’ve seen men mature as fathers and I’ve seen men remain immature. I’ve seen fathers and step fathers get along. Both looking after the best interest of the child. I’ve seen a father go from not speaking to the mother to laughter about the growing up of a child. I’ve seen the struggle of the single father financially, emotionally and mentally.

The advice I seem to give the most to single fathers:
1. It doesn’t matter what she tells your kids about you if you counteract that with SHOWING YOUR CHILDREN LOVE every single chance you get by being there and putting them first. By showing up and spending quality time. It’s not in things, it’s in the quality of your presence. And yes, financial support is important but, if you are not there when you are there it won’t mean a hill of beans. The more they grow they’ll see that what she says and what you DO don’t add up. Point it out if you have to.
2. If you are mean to their mother, they’ll never forget that. Put your feelings aside in the presence of your children and enjoy your time with them.
3. You don’t have to spend spend spend to be loved or to make up for the days you don’t have them or for how the marriage ended/relationship or to sooth any guilt you may have. As a matter of fact you’ll end up being liked or building a superficial love between you and the child based on things.
4. Discipline your children. You’re worried about being the liked parent. The favorite parent. Making up for not being in the home. You’ll be liked but you won’t be respected or taken seriously when the time comes. You’ll be sorry then.

Hang in there single dads.

~Nikki