Sunday Morning Coffee Musing: Relationship Confetti: It Will Be Easy, I Thought

october2012-077

Let me guess. You’re a woman that has been single for a while and all this time you have been diligently working on yourself. You finally find a guy or the guy finally finds you and surprisingly you two are compatible. However, as time seems to go one you realize several things about him that you don’t particularly care for and some of them may be major (and perhaps he has done the same). However, you carefully decide if you want to “deal” with them and see if you two can work out the kinks. Great.

But, in the process you began to realize that with all the work you have done on yourself, some of the old you is still there. Triggers. Also, you now see that you have work to do on yourself as well. Two things will keep sink or float a relationship like this: A person that is not willing to work together to improve the relationship and a person you are so unequally (yoked) out of balanced with it would be better to preserve the woman you have become than to deal with the turmoil ahead. This person has not even began to THINK about doing the work on themselves, growing, or changing. Depending on your age and tolerance, dealing with a person like that can bring you down.

I thought I would meet someone on my level in EVERY way. I thought it would be easy. I am learning that even if you are compatible 90% the 10%, if major can keep you out of harmony. I am learning that I share some of the 10%. (Or whatever percentage it may be. I am just throwing out numbers.) I don’t know if it’s going to last, but I intend to do the work to find out. We often see these “power” couples and think they are so happy. We often see these Facebook couples and they are only posting the good and not the bad (I mean it’s their business and we would probably have something to say about that, too). In the meantime, I will keep praying my way through like I have been doing and letting things unfold naturally.

~Nikki

Advertisements

TGIF. Thank God I’m Free.

30168135_10157401014553266_5928986866567429150_o

Being Single is a status, becoming WHOLE is the part that requires WORK. But, the benefits of being whole allows you to SET FOLKS FREE & SET YOURSELF FREE without so much drama & trauma. Sometimes it hurts and sometimes it’s a “gtfoh” epitome. -Nicole D. Jackson

~Nikki

Sunday Morning Coffee Musing: The Other Side of You’re Not “The One”

8b0304e983865504819ec56ec50b8cd4

There is this video (Steve Harvey: Women Don’t Know How to Pick A Man with a subtitle How to Know if You are the One) where Steve Harvey paints the brutal reality of the choices in men “some” (keyword today is “some” which means not all. And if not all is is you, then guess what? This article is not for you!) women make (have made or sometimes make) and how to know if you are the one. You can find the video on YouTube but I must warn you, he does curse and if you can’t get past that, don’t worry about watching it. I agree with everything he says about knowing if you are the one and about picking the wrong man. I will have to be honest and say I have picked the wrong guy in my life quite a few times. And I have remained with the wrong guy once I recognized he was the wrong one! I know women don’t like to admit this, but how are you ever going to to heal or help others if you can’t be honest with yourself?

In the video he says something my spiritual mom and many others have said,  “A man can change, but he is only going to change for the one.” Well, here is something never addressed, how do we as women deal with realizing we are not “the one?” I mean after so many times of dating, in and out of relationships, you may start to feel many doubts and questions. Can we be honest? Great! Questions like: How many times can I NOT be the one? It makes me feel sad and hopeless that I have not found someone to spend my life with or to just be in a good relationship with. Is it me or is it him? It hurts to be in a relationship and realize you have made a mistake or the person turns out to  be the complete opposite after you two are intimate or after being together for some time. ( I am just being REAL). What do you do when you discover you are not “the one” he is going to change for? You are not the one rejection letters seem to ALWAYS come to you. You may wonder “Will I ever find the one or be found?”

May I present to you the others side of YOU ARE NOT THE ONE. The other side of discovering you are not the one is:

  • There is still someone out there for you. Keep going or take a break.
  • He is not the one EITHER!
  • You were smart enough to recognize you were not the one BEFORE you got into a relationship with the person
  • You came to your senses after you got into a relationship and JUMPED SHIP to save yourself
  • If you began to make a conscious choice to OBSERVE the behavior of a man (his consistency or inconsistency, his words and actions) you can quickly make better choices of how much of you to share and open up. You can also pull back your emotions at anytime. YES you can reign in your emotions! I should blog about that!
  • If you slow down, you can not only LISTEN to your GUT/INTUITION/THE HOLY SPIRIT/YOUR OWN SPIRIT but you can ACTUALLY DO WHAT IT IS TELLING YOU TO DO OR NOT DO AND TAKE HEED TO THE WARNING. Practice in this area makes almost perfect. I say almost because you probably will override your good senses from time to time.
  • Sometimes relationships don’t work out even after all of the vetting out you do. After all of the investigations, good vibes, prayer and the both of you commit to a relationship or marriage PEOPLE change. You cannot foresee that all the time. I know from experience. So cut yourself some slack if you “did everything right” and things with south. It is what it was.

 

Yes, we hear all the ways we are doing it wrong. But, what about how we feel once we leave the session or put the books down. How are we emotionally? And how honest can we be with others about how dating in this world makes us feel? Well, you can always be honest with me. I won’t judge you or put you down just because I have never “did” that or made that mistake. It’s rough out here for us single gals sometimes. We should be supportive.

~Nikki

 

 

Sunday Morning Coffee Musings: A Life Shattered & Scattered

coffee

Three times I was beaten with rods. Once I was stoned. Three times I was shipwrecked. Once I spent a whole night and a day adrift at sea. -Apostle Paul, 2 Corinthians 11

…been put in prison more often, been whipped times without number, and faced death again and again. Five different times the Jewish leaders gave me thirty-nine lashes. Three times I was beaten with rods. Once I was stoned. Three times I was shipwrecked. Once I spent a whole night and a day adrift at sea. I have traveled on many long journeys. I have faced danger from rivers and from robbers. I have faced danger from my own people, the Jews, as well as from the Gentiles. I have faced danger in the cities, in the deserts, and on the seas. And I have faced danger from men who claim to be believers but are not. I have worked hard and long, enduring many sleepless nights. I have been hungry and thirsty and have often gone without food. I have shivered in the cold, without enough clothing to keep me warm. -Apostle Paul, 2 Corinthians 11

Good grief Paul! I can relate! Many of us can relate whom lives seem to be on some random game board where things happen at the spin of the wheel. Can we get some consistency other than the “bad” things that seem to happen all of the time. We spend time grasping for memories of good times, we write our five things to be grateful for, we are constantly searching for the silver lining or the light at the end of many tunnels. Some of us don’t ask why because we are use to it. Some of us ask why anyways (that would be me) in an effort to try to understand the method to the madness. As I sit here and type, adjusting my body and hear my hip make a loud pop, I laugh. Yes, body, I am writing about you! And much more!

So what do we do? Those who seem to be plague with a series of unfortunate events. We recognize that grace is sufficient and power works best in weakness.

Charis (/ˈkeɪrɪs/; Greek: Χάρις) is a given name derived from a Greek word meaning “grace, kindness”. In Greek mythology, a Charis is one of the Charites (Greek: Χάριτες) or “Graces”, goddesses of charm, beauty, nature, human creativity and fertility; and in Homer’s Iliad, Charis is the wife of Hephaestus.

The ability to get through the things we go through comes through grace (kindness). We go through being kind to ourselves and others. I am still growing in grace or kindness for myself, but I have plenty of grace for others who suffer. God, the Creator of the Universe says the grace given to us is sufficient. It’s enough to get us through those times. I think through these hard times you can become a Charis. You become one with charm, beauty, nature, human creativity and fertility (in a sense reproductive through creativity or giving life to others who suffer).

When I look at the words “My (God) power works best in weakness” I think of it as when I am at my weak points, the pushing through is the power. It is the strength to keep going. It is the strength to choose life. It is the will to live. It is the fight in us. We emerge stronger and stronger.

You may ask, “Well, when it be over? When will I get to just live my life with so many trials and tribulations?” I can’t answer that. I don’t know. I do know one thing I have decided to do, and I hope you will join me, is to live my life with POWER. Do I get tired? Yes. Do we get down , depressed, oppressed, and filled with anxiety at times? Yes. Do we get angry? Yes. But through those dark times in the tunnels we may rest, but we refocus on the light. We get ourselves together and we walk or run towards the light to bask in it again. And sometimes we have to stand at the end of the tunnel encouraging someone else to come on through. We may have to go back in and get somebody. We do it because we have gained strength.

How long will the light last? I am tired of tunnels (I know right?!!!). If we, get enough wisdom in us, enough affirmations, confidence, a knowing that we will get through whatever comes our way, well, we can carry a light within. We may have trouble lighting it sometimes, but we are boys and girl scouts in the spirit and we know how to start a fire! Thoughts are like matches or the sticks you rub together in this situation. You have to begin with affirmations, reading positive material, reciting scriptures, thinking about the times you made it through before, imagining life the way you want to see it. Power rises from within even when you are looking without for inspiration. After going through so much in my 41 years I realize I am the light and I don’t have to wait until I get to the end of the tunnel(sickness, illness, tragedy, trial, etc). I shine wherever darkness is. That is power.

~Nikki “You don’t have to wait until you get to the end of the tunnel to receive light.You are the light within the tunnel. Someday, I hope you realize this.”- Nicole Jackson

199d5be3f9014611e13155bcfc291d88

grace-calls-us-to-own-weakness_paul-david-tripp

 

In the Meantime

b8cb565b5001b20ed898f7a9bf233db0

Some people will never know this feeling because they are out one thing and into another before they have a chance to TRULY go through the process of a relationship detox. I know. I did that to myself for years. I didn’t want to FEEL the lows of being single, the deflating of being a couple, so I found something or something found me and I jumped right in.

(SIDE BAR: When you are hurting or angry or nonchalant after a serious breakup or divorce, you are vulnerable to attracting negative energy masquerading as light whether you know it or not. It’s the prime opportunity for people to come in and situations to be created that will many times end up being worse than what you experienced before or adding salt to the unhealed wounds.)

Getting under someone else or with someone else to show the world or your ex that “You are just fine without them” is really doing more harm to you than them. When the feeling wears off and you realize, you really don’t like that person or love that person as much as you thought you did, you’ve got to break up or break it off with them, too. You used them. You have to pay for that.

Let me tell you what it really takes to feel good to be single. It takes TIME. It takes making a CHOICE to BE HAPPY being SINGLE. It takes, CHANGING the way the world has told you to think about being single. Therefore, producing a bad feeling about being single because thoughts and feelings are connected. It takes a DEEP INTROSPECTIVE PROBE of your good and not so good behaviors. It takes EMBRACING your good and WORKING on your not so good. It takes enduring the LONELY moments. And right there my friends is the critical moment that you either decide to jump into bed or a relationship to get rid of that feeling or you pray your way through, you do something, you feel it, you deal with it-that will make or break you. You don’t get into anything based on a feeling of loneliness. Because loneliness is a tricky feeling. You have to feel it and once it passes MAKE a decision. Loneliness comes and goes. Feelings and Emotions are two different things. It takes a REAL understanding of WHO YOU ARE without another person. It takes LEARNING to enjoy every day, every experience, without always being attached to a thought “If only my soul mate was here.” It’s a HOLDING ON TO HOPE that in due time it will all come together while you are DOING YOU (working your gifts and talents in the EARTH). IT IS NOT AN ANGRY SHOUT TO THE WORLD OF I DON’T NEED OR WANT ANY ONE BECAUSE that is exactly what you will get. It’s a very relaxed state of mind and CHILL ZONE if you will.

Listen, walk the woods of being single. It’s all dandy in the daytime but, when night falls it gets a little lonely and scary but guess what? It will be day time tomorrow. And after a while you will get use to the night time. Before you know it, you will be out of the woods of the initial “single” mental/emotional challenge and you will be walking where it is more day than night. And when night does come, you won’t be so afraid that you are willing to hold on to anything-even if it is not something or someone created for you.

~Nikki

 

 

Sunday Morning Coffee Musing: Don’t Crowd Fund Your Self Esteem

Cup of coffee and clementines
Cup of coffee and clementines. Photo by Natalia van Doninck on Getty Images

It’s not possible you would know everyone who walks along a crowded street or those standing with you at a concert.Crowd funding consists of strangers and a few people you know contributing to your cause or project. It’s not likely those people know you from the eyes of a good friend or the perspective of a wonderful family member. So, in this life why do we seem to crowd fund our self esteem? I know I am guilty of this from time to time but, oh I remember the days where I relied heavily on the opinions of others and even sought after validation. Thank God! Thank God because I did the hard work and made it through the mistakes to get to this point to talk to you, unashamed, about crowd funding your self esteem.

What people don’t understand about those who struggle with self esteem issues is it didn’t start yesterday. They also don’t understand the complex journey it takes to go back in your life and discover where the seeds were planted and the hard work it takes to cut the roots of low self esteem. Crowd funding your self esteem is when you rely on the contributions of others opinions to fund how you feel about yourself. You should cancel this fund raiser (thought) each time it pops in your mind. I could go through a bunch of steps on how to do this but there is this one saying that sums it up and you could tape it to your forehead or mirror. Which ever is more fashionable for you!

The quote is: Comparison is the thief of joy-Theodore Roosevelt

Why are you sad now? Why are you feeling defeated now? Why are you feeling bad about yourself now? You just compared your progress, success, where you are, to someone else’s progress, success, how farther they are in life than you are and now your joy has been stolen by comparison. Stop that. Learn to admire others and set your OWN goals. If June buys a million dollar home don’t try to buy a million dollar home simply to measure your success by June’s. Look at your bank account, do the math, and buy what you can afford. If Courtney just ran her first marathon and you just made it running a mile, how UNFAIR is that to compare yourself? Your diligence and her diligence is simply diligence. I tell you “a truth” as Jesus said in the Bible when he was about to introduce a new concept: If you learn to CELEBRATE YOUR VICTORIES AS WELL AS OTHERS you wouldn’t need to crowd fund your self esteem.

Don’t compare yourself with others. Instead, celebrate yourself and others.

~Nikki