It’s My Hope For You — Be Inspired..!!

I wish you would learn to let go of things that weren’t intended to be yours. I wish you the ability to wave goodbye to the things that don’t fit into your story, walking away with your head held high and your feet pointed forward, moving slowly but steadily in the direction of the things […]

It’s My Hope For You — Be Inspired..!!

The Love Experience: Humanity & Diversity

Let’s say you are driving down a street and ahead you witness an accident. You pull over and get out of your car. You run to the scene and the first thing you do is:

A. Check to see if those involved are the same race as you

B. Check to see if they share the same religion as you

C. Check to see if they share the same political party as you

You don’t do any of those things unless you have some sort of evil embedded in you. The only thing that matters at that time is if the person is okay and if not, how can you assist. Why does it take some sort of crisis for you to not care about those things? I think you should not care about those things when it comes to REPECTING others’ beliefs and ACCEPTING others as HUMAN BEINGS created by GOD per your religion or belief system. If your belief system doesn’t teach you to cherish other human beings and their lives and to care about their overall well-being then you need to find a new religion or belief system.

According to a new study, people who live in diverse communities tend to identify with all of humanity and help others more. A research team led by Krishna Savani and Jared Nai of Singapore Management University reports people who live in such areas are more inclined to voluntarily help others. This reflects the fact that they are more likely to identify with all of humanity, and therefore “see the world as a family.”- Tom Jacobs https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/are_people_kinder_in_racially_diverse_neighborhoods

I didn’t live in a diverse neighborhood but, I did have other races and religions in my neighborhood. In fact, I grew up next door to three white women who became our family. I now live in their house as the remaining sister called me up to ask me if I wanted to buy her house since I was always next door helping my parents. She now lives in her hometown where my daughter attends college. I grew up with neighbors, mostly black and maybe about 3-4 white families, Christian, Muslim, and non-religious that would tell on us or correct us if we were doing things we should not have been doing as children. We also spent the night at each other’s home and we just followed their lead as to what to do. No one required us to worship their God, choose a political party or talk about our race.

When I went out into the real world as a young adult, on my first job, I experience my first “racist and prejudice” environment working at JCPenney in the stock room. About a year ago, I saw the lady, my supervisor, that was as prejudice and racist as they came. I wanted to tell her a thing or two but I simply moved along. I can also tell you that I experience prejudice towards a disability by a black school teacher. My dad handled that situation as the school teacher was actually a neighbor. I remember being told to leave the room as my dad was on the phone with her. She was so kind to me after that. It was when I was first diagnosed with Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis.

As two black women and two white women peers through the windows of a closed business that is putting up sale signs because they are going out business, we discuss what we want and point out things. Then we stand around deciding which day we should come back and what percentage we think the clearance will start. We share tips. We don’t think about anything else. We are only concerned about shopping and bargains and the disappointment of the store leaving our area. At that moment, these are things that bond us.

As always, I don’t really care about your beliefs or nonbelief, I care that you LOVE. I care that you SHOW KINDNESS and COMPASSION and work to remove anything in you that does not allow you to do those things. These beliefs that ALL of a group of people are “this or that” way is NOT TRUE. These conversations, judgements, and lies passed down from generation to generation about a group of people need to be removed and discarded from your consciousness. The things your radical uncles or aunts told you about certain groups need to be sorted and held as opinions and not facts. YES, have discernment because there is bad and evil everywhere in every race.

I’ll never forget I had to correct an elder that was at my daughter’s birthday party over 12 years ago. She said, “Who is this little Hispanic girl? You know they love to eat up everything! It’s a shame you had to meet her mom and help her get here (I literally left the party to meet the mom because she was lost). They couldn’t speak English.” I was shocked and instantly angry. I shot back, “Listen to yourself! So, I guess black people don’t eat a lot. I guess white people don’t eat a lot either. When I go to the grocery store, I see baskets full from all races. She is my daughter’s friend and a very good one. Her mom is very sweet and brave to trust me with her daughter. We don’t talk that kind of talk in my home.” I blew a fuse! But not in front of the children and I am glad they were so far from us and having a ball they didn’t overhear us.

I can tell you that person is not the same as they were then. They have changed but it was not because of me. It was because of their walk with Christ.

John 13:34-35 New International Version

34 “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. 35 By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”

~Nikki

P.S. I really hate that race is even a thing!

The Love Experience: Heartbreaks and Attachment Styles. What’s Yours?

Photo by RODNAE

According to Psychology Today, about 80% of people have experienced heartbreaks as it relates to relationships or dating. The main causes of heartbreaks were break ups, infidelity, and rejection. People with a strong attachment style (as opposed to those with a low attachment style i.e. anxious or high avoidance attachment)- tended to view their heartbreak experience as leading to some form of character rather than a deficiency within themselves. In other words, they framed their experience as one that helped them to grow and become stronger or as useful lessons about themselves, relationships, and life. A heartbreak is not indicative of bad luck or personal flaws or failure because heartbreaks are common. In research, 4 of 5 people said they have had heartbreak. -Psychology Today, The Most Common Causes of Heartbreak by Jessica Schrader

Let’s take a look at the “Attachment Styles” so that you can HONESTLY identify your style and understand it.

1. Secure

What it looks like: A lucky 60 percent of us have a secure attachment style. For these people, it’s a walk in the park to show emotion and affection in a relationship while simultaneously maintaining a sense of autonomy and independence, i.e. not letting the relationship become all-consuming.

They’re generally able to work through and move forward from conflict with ease. Secure folks aren’t the type to read through their partner’s phones or freak out when they don’t receive a text.

How it forms in childhood: A secure attachment style forms when caregivers quickly and sensitively give a child the support they need while still giving them space to develop their own autonomy. When parents recognize and attend to their child’s needs on a consistent basis, the child trusts they are there for them.

2. Anxious-preoccupied

What it looks like: Those with an anxious-preoccupied attachment style may have doubts about the relationship’s strength, feel unreasonably jealous, or harbor constant fears that their partner is going to leave.

The anxious-preoccupied tend to overanalyze their relationship. They may obsess over their partner’s social media, thinking there’s hidden meaning to a post when in fact nothing is wrong. To keep worry at bay, they may over-communicate, texting all day long or needing to know where their partner is at all times.

How it forms in childhood: You may have an anxious-preoccupied attachment style if your caregivers were inconsistent and unpredictable with their attentiveness. With this style, caregivers tend to be overprotective and/or excessively hold and touch the child.

Often anxious-preoccupied children imitate this overbearing behavior in their own relationships.

3. Dismissive-avoidant

What it looks like: A person with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style may see themselves as independent and refrain from asking for help. They might deny themselves emotional intimacy because they don’t want to be perceived as needy, and they may reject such openness from others.

This is the type who has a seemingly endless string of semi-serious partners to whom she refuses to fully commit. Or maybe it’s the ex who wasn’t comfortable expressing vulnerability with you.

How it forms in childhood: When caregivers dismiss the emotional needs of a child, or treat them in a detached, aloof way, the child might eventually stop communicating their emotional needs altogether, as they believe it has no effect. This helps explain why dismissive-avoidant styles often have trouble expressing emotion and affection to their partners.

4. Fearful-avoidant

What it looks like: People with a fearful-avoidant style often crave a close relationship but feel unworthy of love or afraid of losing the intimacy once they have it. Because of their insecurities around love, they tend to avoid intimacy and suppress feelings that do arise.

The fearful avoidant might feel intense feelings of love for a new partner but right when things start to get serious they start to panic and search for reasons the relationship could never work.

How it’s formed in childhood: If your caregivers subjected you to abuse, neglect or rejection, or if they were volatile or unpredictable, causing you fear as a young child, you may have a fearful-avoidant attachment style.

https://1bffd1a853365642b052801cd6f03fae.safeframe.googlesyndication.com/safeframe/1-0-40/html/container.html

5. Disorganized

What it looks like: Similar to the fearful avoidant style, people with a disorganized attachment style want and crave love but experience severe stress and fear in relationships. They’re often overcome with low self-esteem and talk themselves into believing that no one will love them.

If they are in a relationship, they may rely heavily on their partner to ease their stress or anxiety. Yet, they may never feel at ease in a relationship because of a lack of trust and a fear of abandonment.

How it forms in childhood: A disorganized attachment style is often rooted in unresolved trauma. This may be trauma you experienced as a child or it could be inherited from a parent who faced severe emotional hardship in their own life.

You may also have a disorganized attachment style if your caregiver had a personality disorder and was therefore unpredictable in their parenting strategies.

Source:Attachment Theory 5 Styles greatist.com Medically reviewed by Timothy J. Legg, PhD, PsyD — By Jennifer Chesak on March 13, 2020

I want to hear from you! What is your attachment style? There is no shame here. Mine is Anxious Preoccupied. I therefore desire a Secure Attachment but, I’ve been getting most of the other stuff and no wonder it’s been a train wreck in the past! Mostly fearful-avoidant is what I seem to attract.

~Nikki

The Love Experience: What is Love? And is it Choice or Uncontrollable

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Love is complex.

A mix of emotions, behaviors, and beliefs associated with strong feelings of affection, protectiveness, warmth, and respect for another person.

Love can also be used to apply to non-human animals, to principles, and to religious beliefs. For example, a person might say he or she loves his or her dog, loves freedom, or loves God.

WHAT IS LOVE?

Love has been a favored topic of philosophers, poets, writers, and scientists for generations, and different people and groups have often fought about its definition.

While most people agree that love implies strong feelings of affection, there are many disagreements about its precise meaning, and one person’s “I love you” might mean something quite different than another’s.

Some possible definitions of love include:

  • A willingness to prioritize another’s well-being or happiness above your own.
  • Extreme feelings of attachment, affection, and need.
  • Dramatic, sudden feelings of attraction and respect.
  • A fleeting emotion of care, affection, and like.
  • A choice to commit to helping, respecting, and caring for another, such as in marriage or when having a child.
  • Some combination of the above emotions.

There has been much debate about whether love is a choice, is something that is permanent or fleeting, and whether the love between family members and spouses is biologically programmed or culturally indoctrinated. Love may vary from person to person and culture to culture. Each of the debates about love may be accurate at some time and someplace. For example, in some instances, love may be a choice while in others it may feel uncontrollable.

Source:https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychpedia/love

Let’s talk about that last sentence? Do you believe love is a choice or is it uncontrollable?

The Love Experience: The Characteristics of Love

Love is patient and kind;

Love does not envy or boast;

It is not arrogant or rude.

It does not insist on its own way;

It is not irritable or resentful;

It does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.

1 Corinthians 13:4–8a (ESV)

How do I know if he/she loves me? How do I know if I love myself? How do I know if I love others?

~Nikki

The Cleaning Agents Truth and Honesty: Inner Work

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I have a friend that deals with reality by not dealing with it. He likes to pretend that his world is perfect in public. He puts his parents and marriage on a pedestal to the world. He is in photos that would make you think all is well. Yet, in his private life there is a different story. He’s the type that makes idle threats about what he’s going to do and say but never acts on them. He’s the one that upholds the wrong doing of his father by being silent. He needs the acceptance of that parent. Plus, the public thinks his parents are amazing. Deep down inside, he’s drowning. The things he does, the moods he has, the thought patterns that keep him trapped, all connected to childhood, religion and young adulthood experiences. He internalizes all of his grief, sorrow, hurt, disappointments, and I worry about the toll it takes on him physically.

If you are ready to heal, grow, improve, stop a bad habit, if you have lost too much and too many people, then take a couple of deep, deep breaths and prepare to go inward. In fact, you may need an oxygen tank because it’s going to take many deep dives to get to the root of some things. Some people start in shallow waters and then make their way to the deep and some just jump in. It’s an unraveling. Some said it’s like peeling back and onion layer by layer. But for me, some of my baggage had more layers than an onion. And if you want to know how long it takes to be healed, check out my other blog post from last week https://nikkisconfettilife.com/2023/01/11/how-long-does-healing-take-inner-work/

You just may have to admit that you are not perfect. You are not always right and may be rarely right. You may have to tell yourself the truth about your household, your feelings about it. You may have to tell yourself the truth about how you grew up and that perhaps your parents were not so perfect, either. You may have to untangle the web of your actions and behaviors. This can be some work and this is why most people leave this earth bound instead of free. They remain the same, sad or angry, silent or pretending, trapped in denial, and steeped in open or hidden misery.

Truth and Honesty are like ammonia or some strong cleaning agent mixed with water. Mixed just right it can get the job done without damaging what it is cleaning. If you ever decide to HEAL or CHANGE you can’t do it without Truth and Honesty. Here is what I have learned about inner work, it’s rewarding. It’s freeing. The “work” can be tiring, dirty, exhausting, but when you are clean, when you come into the light of understanding why you do what you do, say the things you say, act a certain way it gives you knowledge. It gives you POWER to be your AUTHENTIC SELF and to walk in the fullness of your destiny. It gives you WHOLENESS like you have never known but before you may feel like you are being ripped apart. Fear not. It’s only so you can be put back together, with some new parts and reprogrammed. This is when people will say, “Hmm, you’re acting funny. You have changed. There is something different about you.” And it will be true. There is something different about you when you do the work of healing yourself.

~Nikki

Know the Signs: Inner Work

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At its core, inner work is the process of getting to know yourself. It’s a form of introspective self-care where you can help yourself let go of harmful attachments, habits, people, and thoughts. -brainmd.com

The most important relationship you can have is the one you have with yourself. It determines how you treat yourself, how you treat others, and how you allow others to treat you. I did some research and along with my personal experience, came up with some signs you may need to work on yourself. I’ll say after reading some of this I can tell you that WE ALL probably need to do some inner work.

Inner work can be scary and daunting because it requires you to take an honest look at yourself. When was the last time you were honest with yourself about yourself and NOT blamed others or came up with excuses for your behavior or thoughts? You can’t control others but you can learn to control your responses. And even after you become aware or honest, what do you do about it? Shrug your shoulders? Apologize over and over and secretly say to yourself, “Why do I keep doing that?” Maybe it’s not your behavior that’s an indication that you need help or to work on yourself. Maybe it’s your obsessive worrying that is anxiety. Maybe it’s your mood swings you can’t explain but expect everyone around you to just deal with it or get used to it.

  • You think negatively or have a negative view about yourself/other people, gender, cultures, etc
  • You suffer from anxiety and depression
  • You’ve had a traumatic change in your health
  • You’re going through or have been through a rough patch in your life
  • Your childhood was not the best and deep down you suspect it has impacted your thinking. other relationships and your behavior
  • You don’t treat yourself with respect and/or you don’t treat others with respect
  • You are in an unhealthy relationship
  • You allow people to take advantage of you
  • You have unreasonable expectations of yourself and others
  • You are unhappy with your life
  • You are a habitual giver and you give more than you can afford or have to give. This includes time.
  • There is a persistent feeling of emptiness, unfulfillment, or failure
  • You have anger issues

These are just a few examples. Have you ever read a book, talked to a spiritual leader, or therapist because you knew you needed to do some inner work? If you don’t mind sharing, what were some of your signs?

~Nikki

How Long Does Healing Take? Inner Work

There will be many things going on this year but, I believe people will begin to work on themselves whether it’s personal development or healing. It may be deepening or returning to their spiritual practice, buying self-help books or taking courses to help improve their life on many levels. Last year I discovered that I had more healing to do and I was ready to get on with it for good. I meant; I was ready to heal completely in this area. I do recall asking God how much more healing and letting go does one need to do?! How long will this take?!!! Ugh! I thought I was done. I’ve been talking about it and dealing with it for a very long time. Well, as I am reading a daily devotional (a book that is pretty deep spiritually so I take it chapter by chapter and sometimes, passage by passage), I think I might have gotten an answer to a question I asked in June 2022.

First, let me talk about the clue I received. Each year I am spiritually led to read certain books. Sometimes it happens all at once and sometimes it happens here and there. Well, I was watching a YouTube episode of Bishop Sarah Jakes Roberts and her mom have a casual conversation over the holidays. She mentioned the book in the video and discovered her mom had read the book also. When I heard the title, I knew I needed the book. This was my first clue that healing was about to take place.

This is what I read this morning:

“Healing is a process of restoration. It is the revealing of the underlying state of perfection and wholeness that always exists, despite injury or disturbance. Beyond all your hurts and pains, be they emotional, physical, or otherwise, is your innate spiritual pattern, which proclaims its independence and simply awaits opportunities to express itself to its fullest. Healing is a journey, not an event. Along the journey there is much to be discovered and discerned about yourself.”

“You ask, “How much healing is there to be done? How long will it take?” These are questions not for me to answer but for you to answer. How long do you want it to take? How much healing are you willing to do? How deep will you go? How much will you reveal? How often will you come to be in surrender? The answers to these questions depend on you. You are creating your own tests. You are creating your won obstacle courses. The mazes through which you wander, the hoops through which you jump, are all configurations of your own thinking. You too often misunderstand, and therefore underestimate the power of your creative abilities. You must become more consciously aware that you are simply manifesting anything and everything you think about, even subliminally.”

-The Sacred Yes by Rev. Deborah L. Johnson

~Nikki

What To Do When It’s a Friend or Loved One with Anxiety or Depression Part 1

What do you do when it’s a friend or a loved one that has anxiety or depression?

Strong relationships can go a long way toward improving the outlook and emotional well-being when they live with mental health conditions.

Friends and family can:

  • listen with compassion when they need to talk
  • provide encouragement and emotional support
  • join them in hobbies or activities that offer a positive distraction
  • offer rides, grocery runs, and other more tangible forms of support when they have trouble getting things done

Simply knowing they have someone they trust in their life can often help them feel less alone, whether they actually want to talk about your symptoms or not.

https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/depression-and-anxiety#coping-tips

28 Days of The Self Love Project: Day 28 Knock, Knock Housekeeping!

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Protect your peace.

Erase (get rid of) toxicity.

Cleanse your space.

Cultivate love.

Protecting your peace helps to maintain self-love. You want to keep a peaceful environment as much as you can wherever you are. Yes, at home and at work. You want peaceful relationships as much as possible. Having peace in your life helps maintain self-love.

Get rid of anything and one that is toxic. I know the word is overused these days but, if it’s not good for you and to you, you don’t need it. This could be hoarding in your home. This could be a bad habit. This could the obvious, such as friendships and family-ships. Can you get rid of family? Probably not. But you can keep your distance and set those boundaries we talked about.

Cleanse your space. Clean up. Clean up your space at home and your office or desk space.

Cultivate love wherever you are. Cultivate a loving environment at home. Take love with you to work and to the grocery store. Be compassionate and kind to those you come into contact with. Be patient.

1 Corinthians 13:4–8a (ESV) Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.

~Nikki