Sunday Morning Coffee Musing: Dealing with Adults that Play the Victim

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It’s a heavy topic, but it’s been on my mind for several weeks. There are a few reasons adults play the victim role such as: it gets them attention, it gets someone to feel sorry for them, it allows them to manipulate the situations and feel in control. Somewhere along the way, perhaps in childhood or with someone in their life, they found this role comfortable and acceptable. They are especially clever at using this role to create a situation, blame someone else, never say they are sorry, and then get people to be “on their side.” It’s a victory for them.

The way I deal with adults like this is the same way I deal with a child. I don’t give in to their tactics and I point out where they are wrong with logic and if necessary, scripture. Sometimes no response is the best response and to carry on with your life. Really, if you have someone in your group, crew, circle, church that is a “master” at playing the victim they need the Master to makeover  them over. They need to master their feelings. People who play the victim want you to be responsible for their feelings. They need to be responsible for their feelings!

Why with love? These people are wounded and they have become accustomed to a false sense of power. Playing the role of the victim for your entire life, or whenever it is necessary is a weak position that renders you no real power. Real power comes from:

  • accepting when you are wrong
  • healing the wounds of the past
  • dealing with your feelings maturely
  • asking for forgiveness for your lies and games
  • not needing attention from negativity or period to feel important, to validate your opinion or your feelings
  • accepting that things do not have to go your way
  • living from a position of honesty and truth is power

~Nikki

Pretty Little Daggers

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I’ve seen the power of a pretty face and body work magic on men. I’ve been skipped over, looked over, pushed out of the way to get to the prettier girl. I’ve been not spoken to standing next to the prettier friend. I’ve been in mid sentence and a man sees a hotter option, a bigger butt (in my community), a smaller waist, longer or straighter hair, and rushed to end our good convo to get to what his eyes are attracted to. I’ve had men get my number and constantly ask me about my friend. Let me be real and raw, weak and emotional in the eyes of others and un-christian like for many…but that shit used to hurt and every now and then those pretty little daggers grazes my self esteem. Either being out right told you’re not cute, you’re cute, you’re “alright”, if only you had a bigger ass, did it’s wear and tear on how I viewed myself and how I allowed the misuse of my heart, body and emotions. Side Note: If you have this super self esteem and can’t relate then this article is not for you and you’re “I never felt that way” is not welcomed here.

Well, Nikki, what did you do? It’s a long story, but basically after a series of bad relationships, mistreatment, emotional and mental abuse, via the Holy Spirit and God, books, positive women, self will, I slowly built my self esteem. Last year, I excavated my authentic self and boy did that take my self confidence to another level. Look, I just stopped by to tell you that you really do have other things to do than to be weighed down by if you are pretty enough or pretty at all. Like, who gives a damn. Are you dressing your best, are you doing the best you can with your hair (permed, weaved, or natural), are you a good woman, are you a positive being, are you going after your dreams, visions, goals? Are you building others up, clapping for their success? Are you not letting a man mistreat you and take you “down through there” (southern for drag you down a very bad road filled with heartbreaks aches and turmoil)? Are you choosing life over death? Are you a great mom, friend, sister, auntie, co worker, etc? You got “stuff” to do.

God made me perfect. God made me beautiful in every way. God made me beautiful inspite of.  God also made me strong. God also gave me an assignment. I had a friend who was extremely beautiful. She said to me one day when I asked her why did you sit by me in class? She said “Why not?” This was college. I replied, “I thought maybe you would want to huddle up with the prettier girls.” She laughed. “I thought you were smart and I am smart so I wanted to be around the smarter girl. The one that was asking questions and writing down notes because that is what I do. Pretty girls that are stuck on their beauty can be ruthless. It’s not all that it’s cracked up to be being amazingly beautiful.” Later I learned about her being in a relationship with this guy. She talked about how bad he treated her. She said, it doesn’t matter how fine I am, men still cheat. When you are in that group of fine girls who only care about looks, it’s all about competition. Then you have to deal with women thinking you want their man. I’m only in my 20’s and I am just like every real woman. I want to be seen for my heart, my mind, and not my body. You’re prettier than any of those women in that group in class. I saw how they flocked to me and I was like…nah…I’m just gonna come to school and go home.”

When a man is looking at my boobs and not at my face, I understand. When he talks about my body parts more than he talks about my brain, my geniusness, my dreams and goals, the current state of America, or about getting out and enjoying life, etc…it’s an automatic turn off for me. So, as the pretty little daggers sometimes hit, mostly miss these days…I am reminded…I’ve got so much more to do than to be weighed down by pretty or beautiful. My heart is fiery. My brain is wicked.

~Nikki

 

Sunday Morning Coffee Musing: Jesus Walks

 

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Looking through the lenses of a pastor’s child, you see the ends and outs of ministry. As a child I remember going, sometimes being dragged here, there and everywhere with my parents and the church. It was like a vagabond experience when I was young, you know, wherever I laid my head on a pew was my pillow for that service! We were visiting different churches, he was doing revivals, in and out of town, there were evening programs, there were conventions and congresses to attend. I remember it and I grew to understand it. I grew to respect it. I grew to enjoy many of these things as I started to participate and comprehend these things.

As I see some in ministry, even the ministry of helps, running themselves raggedy in the name of Jesus, I see worn out human beings running on Jesus Juice and Holy Ghost Caffeine. Some are stretched and stressed. Some are broken. Some can’t be still because to be still means you are not doing anything and well, that’s sort of kind of the point. Some, when they are still, there is no “peace” in their peace be still.  Their minds are like a broken wind up toy…still going. And some can’t be still because they are trying to prove themselves worthy and move on up the ladder of ministry. They can’t say no to “whatever” others in ministry ask them to do and they certainly can’t say no their leaders, because well, they may lose their position or it’s like saying no to God himself! (dangerous territory). Oh the guilt and shame of being…tired. The shame of growing old and saying: “Here, let someone younger take the wheel” before the wheels fall off. The reluctance of some leaders to designate roles to their disciples. I don’t think Jesus set the table, prepared the food, washed dishes, made the campfire, pitched the tent, etc. just because he could if he wanted to. I mean what was the point of having a crew if you were going to do all the work. And could you imagine one of them telling Jesus “I have been cooking every night. I am tired. Get Peter to do it.” No, you can’t. I can. It probably would have been me. I don’t think I would have been fired either. I think Jesus would have understood.

Side note: I think Jesus was the kind of leader that could read his disciples. I think a good leader would never abuse the willingness of his staff to serve.

Jesus walks. His steps were ordered. I don’t read of him frantic about everywhere he went. It’s almost as if his directions were calculated, orchestrated, and obligated. I do believe he also had some leadway as to where he went and wanted to go. Why? Because I don’t believe God is into micromanaging us.  And even in all of that, he rested and went on a sabbatical. He went to sleep on a ship. We think he stayed up the entire time he was here on the planet. We think he did those things we read back to back to back to back…one chapter after the other.  There was time and space in between those things.

Jesus walks.

~Nikki

Sunday Morning Coffee Musing: Building Inner Strength

What good is learning a lesson from life and you decide not to apply it to your life? Well, that’s like knowing touching a hot stove will burn your hand and the opportunity presents itself the next morning when you turn on the stove to place your hand on it. It’s not wisdom. What you have is knowledge and how you convert knowledge to wisdom is by applying it to your life. On the outside many are strong by appearance, but when the shades go down in their home, they are weak on the inside. A person with great physical strength, muscles, and who is lean, looks like they take care of there body, but if they are hitting the gym and then hitting the bottle or fast food joints well the inside is still weak. It’s funny how the mind can be strong enough to subject itself to physical strength and not enough for the person to eat well. Actually, it’s just an area they are weak in and it needs to be strengthen by right action, choices,  and discipline. The mind will do what your spirit tells it to do, if YOU decide to do it. It’s true the spirit is willing, but the flesh, not so much. -The Bible.

If you are going to build your inner strength it is going to take discipline. It’s going to take depositing spiritual things into your spirit and applying them to life. It takes thinking back onto what happened the last time you did that, said that, and how it affected you and others. It takes caring about the outcome of your actions. You’re going to have to go through training. Don’t you worry, life has been training you all along by presenting the same obstacle courses over and over. You don’t necessary receive a grade if you fail, you receive the consequences and the opportunity to try it again or improve. Even if you pass, you may encounter the same situations again. This perfects and matures you spiritually.

So, if you want to build inner strength take heed to the lessons life has/is teaching you. Let wisdom manifest in your life by applying what you know. If you don’t know, there are so many avenues available to learning. Do you want to learn? Someone has written a book about it. Someone is teaching and preaching about it. Someone is having a seminar or lecturing about it. Eat up, digest, manifest. Practice the art of no and yes. No to what you don’t want and yes to what is right for you.

~Nikki

“You convert knowledge to wisdom by applying what you know to your life and life situations.” -Nicole Jackson

Finding Power While In Poverty

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There is a stigma in America that those who are impoverished are people who never had any dreams and aspirations. They assume those who use an EBT card never worked or don’t work. They assume all of the impoverished people are lazy. They never stop to think many are elderly people who have worked their entire lives. There are those that are having hard times for whatever reason and are working towards coming out of their situation. There are veterans and the disabled. Yet, many enjoy making assumptions as if they are facts and they love to insult those who are in holes so deep they have given up.

I can tell you one thing, giving people HOPE and INSTRUCTIONS goes further than stereotyping and bashing. Using your “spirituality” and looking beyond their situation, giving them a hand up and a hand out (because sometimes you have to feed people so they can hear your message and instructions). Believe it or not, inspiration works better than insults.

I’m currently living on the verge of poverty. If I did not have a relationship with God, a connection to a place (church) where I can fuel up, the love of reading, and the gift of being inspirational to others, I too would drown in my sorrows, my mistakes, my illness, my misfortunes. If I did not have others that speak into my life and if I didn’t have parents that are able to help me as I rise out of the pit. You find power in the midst of poverty by GUARDING YOUR MIND and your HEART. You find power by being thankful and grateful for what you do have. You find power by creating a plan to get out of the situation. You create in you a will to not just survive day by day but you put into action a plan to thrive. You don’t let the insults keep you down. You don’t let the stereotypes keep you in shame and angry. These things will keep you hopeless. This is why I believe you have to surround yourself with people that are inspiring and disconnect from the ones that are not . You have to purchase books and watch programs that motivate you, that change your emotions and thoughts. It may be a long time coming, but with these things in place you can make it. You may have to wait until the baby is older, but in the meantime you can better yourself spiritually and mentally. You can choose better relationships. You can save. You can search for a better job, create a side hustle, work on your credit. In other words, you can prepare yourself for better days. Because IF YOU WANT THEM, better days are created by you and what you do NOW and NEXT! Be patient with yourself and keep moving forward.

~Nikki