Gratefulness. Right Where You Are

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Since I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis and Fibromyalgia my life has been turned upside down. I think I am at about 180 degrees now, so I am midway from being right side up. I have not been working in the traditional sense and I had to move to cut expenses.

To be honest with you, I wasn’t crazy about where I stayed but I absolutely loved the neighborhood. I was blessed to find a place that was twice the size with a lower rent, not too far from my old neighborhood and shops but, the neighborhood I am in has it’s woes. In my condo, there are some things I don’t like. They really get to me because I am a firm believer in when you do something, anything you do it right. And when things are not done right or half done I can get physically ill every time I see it! I am a Pisces and we love to be surrounded by beauty. I won’t tell you what it is that disturbs my peace when I see it. I will reiterate that is drives me NUTS!!!! I also stay on the busy side of a street so sleeping can be a challenge as you know having RA and Fibro you already can’t get much rest.

However, in order to keep my sanity and blessings flowing I often have to remind myself how blessed I am remembering things can be 10 times worse. I also have to create some happiness and beauty where I am. I will plant a garden. I will decorate. I will get a dog. I will get some fish for my aquarium. When I look at the things that make me go UGH!!! I start to name all the things I love about this place. I love my neighbor and her son. She is my friend of over 15 years and her son and my daughter are cousins (I am an honorary aunt). We help each other out. We sit on the deck and sip cocktails and enjoy the night sky. I love the space. I love the beautiful tree outside that blooms and when the sun hits the bark it illuminates the entire space. I love my carport. I love that it is gated. I love that we look out for each other over here. I have lenient landlord and who will fix things quickly. I have two huge closets. I am down the street from my sister. The tile floor is beautiful.

Half the time when I go into the UGH mode I find it is really because I am feeling down about my circumstances or I am having a extremely tough day physically and emotionally. I say to my God, my wonderful Creator of the Universe: It is well with my soul. I trust you in this place. I can create my way out. It is not my final dwelling place and I am so very thankful for the layover on my way to my heart’s desire.

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-Nikki

 

Nikki’s #WonderWomanWednesday Affirmation

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I AM Power.
I dance to the music in my heart.
I change my mind therefore I have the power to correct my thinking to adjust my emotions and to change the direction of my course.
I refrain from judging other women’s path and decisions. I find ways to assist them instead.
I appreciate other’s differences and beauty.
I don’t need anyone’s approval to do what I came here to do.
My relationship with the Divine is mines and it is unique.
I express myself in my own way. It is my right.
I rise and I fly.
My beauty begins on the inside and radiates on the outside.

Who’s Is It? It’s Not Mines.

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Yes! You arrive home and the gift you ordered has been delivered. Oh, isn’t the wrapping simply marvelous? You hate to rip it apart so you carefully unwrap it only to find out…IT IS NOT THE SIGNIFICANT OTHER YOU DESIRED!

Certainly, there was a mistake made. You dash to your check list of must haves, must not have, maybe and you discover this “gift” does have some things on your must not have list. Must not be a liar, must not be a cheater, must not be possessive and obsessive, must not be a jerk, must not be a smoker, must not be a heavy drinker, must not resemble past mistakes etc etc etc.

Oh but, it’s so cute! Oh it’s so funny! Oh, it gives me attention and affection! It talks to me! BUT…DID YOU ORDER THAT? Who’s is it? It’s not yours. It’s not your size and I promise if you try it on it’s just going to make you look SAD! If you eat it, it’s going to make you sick! You’re allergic to cheaters and married people remember? You get broken hearts from that stuff! It’s going to make you look silly. You really don’t need another I told you so from friends and family.

Well, what are you going to do with something you didn’t order? Something that is not good for you? Something that doesn’t fit? I suggest you send it back from wherever it came from. Who’s is it? We don’t know…but he or she is not yours!!! Simply mark it return to sender…who sent it? We may never and have no need to know.

-Nikki

Birthday Celebration Game Plan

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It’s been 5 years since I was diagnosed with RA and Fibromyalgia. It has taken me almost that long to perfect birthday plans and celebrations. I recently celebrated my birthday this weekend (and plan to celebrate it the rest of the month!) and I think I have finally found the key to enduring it without wearing myself out.

I plan in advance what I want to do.

I ask my friends and family to give me a heads up if they have plans.

I put a day or two in between plans.

If it’s going to be a long night I make sure I get plenty of rest in the day or make my day light and easy. I plan to do very little or nothing the next day.

If it’s going to be a heavy day activity I plan to do nothing that evening or the next day.

I have always celebrate my birthday in grand fashion. It’s who I am. It’s what I like to do. I love being alive another year and I believe it’s a special day. You were born with your dreams and purposes. You are fearfully and wonderfully made and you came here on that day to bless the world with beauty, your gifts and talents, friendships, love etc. I love to celebrate the day the Universe delivered another special package to the Earth.

-Nikki

What About Your Friends? T.L.C and RA

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*Singing* “What about your friends? Will they stand their ground? Will “you” let them down again?” Let’s face it. RA and other chronic illnesses will change things about you. Therefore, it changes some friends perception of you. Heck, it even changes your perception of you. It changes your energy levels. Some days it’s where it use to be but, most days it’s not. Sometimes “friends” just don’t understand.

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You use to be the life of the party and you still are. You are just not at every party. You use to be able to work 8-10 hours go home do whatever needed to be done and be back out the door and off to have a few rounds. Maybe you can’t do that but you still hang out sometimes past your bedtime which also may have moved up or not depending on your sleep habits or lack their of. Nevertheless, you are all the way there when you are there!

Yet, they still may not know what to think or how to feel about the “new” UNimproved you. They may think you are acting FUNNY. They may think you can’t do something so they simply don’t invite you. I really hate that one. Let me decide for myself what I can and can’t do and if I want to hurt or not later. It’s my choice! Some get upset that you are ALWAYS sick and can NEVER seem to make it. I am sure it’s not ALWAYS and NEVER but it seems like it because once before you were ALWAYS there and NEVER missed a beat. These are the ones that take it personal. They shouldn’t but, they do. As if you already don’t feel bad enough this is like adding insult to injury as if you can CONTROL when you have pain and for how long. There are certain things we can and can not do to bring on pain or make it worse and that doesn’t always work. It is us who must adjust our plans and attitudes when dealing with pain and fatigue whenever it shows up.

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I have had friends that treat me like they always have because they have known me long enough to know who I am and how I am. I have had some friends, because it’s their nature, to want to do everything for me. God love ’em! (I got that phrase from an elderly person lol). They mean well and sometimes I have to say “Thank you so much but let me try it first” and at others times I just let them do whatever it is because I know it makes them feel good. I like doing things for people for that very same reason.

The best way to solve the friends problem is to be vocal and to be honest. The best way is to know you would if you could. You know you wish you could turn back the hands of time when you could do it all but, that’s not happening and it’s cool. T.L.C is what you need form your friends. Tender Love and Care.

-Nikki

 

Fatigue. The Unexpected Guest.

 

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I have an alibi. I was in the bed sleep, minding my own business and all I did was wake up. You’ve got the wrong house! Let me call my lawyer. Someone’s going to pay for this!  (Probably you!)  It’s the SURPRISE FATIGUE. The kick in your door and take no prisoners fatigue, except your body. But, I haven’t done anything! Oh well…that’s what they all say!

You see I can understand if I was physically busy today or if I have had a long week of things to do. I can understand fatigue showing up at my door. But, what I can’t get use to is when fatigue shows up for no logical reason. I want it to have a reason. I need it to have a reason. It would be nicer if it showed up like the Girl Scouts selling cookies so you could politely decline. “Oh no, no thank you, I got some fatigue last week. Try back in a few weeks. I have three doctors appointments, a family gathering and a birthday party to attend. Not to mention household duties and parental/spousal responsibility.”

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Or maybe you could say “Sorry, buddy. No one by that name lives here.” And give it this strange look.

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But unexpected fatigue is rude and as brutal on your body as the fatigue you experience when you can understand why. Fatigue can come from mental or physical exertion. As I reflect on my week or just the day before I realize I have dealt with quite a few “mental” exertions: Stress solving a financial situation, not so good news about an unresolved medical mystery from the doctor which left me pondering, completing a book I have re-read and edited again this week before the final release. I forgot to pay my dental insurance and now I have to try to get it reinstated. Oh…I see why you may have showed up fatigue. Nevertheless, you are still unwanted. I had great plans for today!!!

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Dangerously in Love. The “FINALLY”. Pt. 3

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Approaching the victim or showing up in places when the victim didn’t want them to be there; making unwanted telephone calls; leaving the victim unwanted messages (text or voice); and watching or following the victim from a distance, or spying on the victim with a listening device, camera, or global positioning system were the most commonly reported stalker tactics by both female and male victims of stalking. [Matthew J. Breiding et al., “Prevalence and Characteristics of Sexual Violence, Stalking, and Intimate Partner Violence Victimization – National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey, United States, 2011”, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention Morbidity and Morality Weekly Report, Vol. 63, No. 8 (2014)]

If you need CONSTANT contact to make sure he is not with anyone else or where he says he is or If you CONSTANTLY show up at places she says she is to make sure she is “safe” or really where she says she is. If you drive by their home when you know they are at home and sit outside…looking for something…anything. Something is wrong with your thinking and behavior. Thinking controls behavior.

What is this? I call it stalking. You can be stalked in a relationship or marriage. Stalking is born out of irrational thinking, feelings, emotions, past traumas (abandonment, abuse), deep insecurities, a multitude of other things and result in what a person think is normal behavior. It’s not. It is an irrational thought that if I can control the person and environment I can control the outcome of them not leaving me. Setting people up to fail your litmus tests is not normal. Setting the person’s family, his or friends up to look like the bad guy in order to gain his or her attention is not normal either. And if this type of person is your mate you are in danger because they are dangerous. If you don’t think so, you too, are not being rational. Excusing this behavior as they love me so much or they are just overprotective is foolish mistake.

Stalkers often emphasize that they “love” their victims and occasionally say they stalk to keep others safe. For example, an abusive ex-husband might say he stalks his ex-wife to ensure she’s properly caring for their children. Psychologically, however, stalking is a crime of control.Apr 5, 2013 goodtherapy.org

I called this the FINALLY for a reason. The finality/finally of a person DANGEROUSLY in LOVE at a stalking stage and at a “I will kill myself or you, if you leave” stage is the height of this twisted relationship. It is the last resort to “keeping you as their’s” that no one else can have or play with. And I don’t mean in the form of being unfaithful. They really see you as an object and not as a person with feelings. It doesn’t matter that their behavior makes you uncomfortable or upset. In their minds friends, family and even your children pose an imagined threat to them and your union.

I want you to know this person is sick. You are not their psychologist. They need professional help.

Be safe. Be well. Be wise.

-Nikki