Before my diagnosis of Rheumatoid Arthritis at this young age, I never was very fond of chronic complainers. There is nothing like trying to enjoy a meal at a restaurant, an outing with friends, a family gathering only to hear a complaint after complaint after complaint.
Nothing zaps your energy faster than being bombarded with an earful of complaints. I think you may even find yourself hurting more after a positive event with a cloud of negativity surrounding it. I often excuse myself early or move to another room (or outside for quietness and fresh air) if I can. I have been trapped in a car or an outing with a complainer and it is no fun. By the time I get home I am drained. In a situation like this I can only run (in my mind) to the front door and lay in bed. I try to watch something on television or read a book/magazine or “Pinterest”my way back to happy. 🙂
The point is you have to detox from complainers and be vigilant about not being the chronic complainer because you can also increase your own pain.
There is a “Spoon Theory” used by those of us who have an autoimmune disease such as Lupus or Rheumatoid or Fibromyalgia. I will get to the relevancy of that shortly.
I woke up with much energy. I slept in a little. I went to the outlet mall in Mississippi which is only about a 25 minute drive from where I live. I went in one store with my daughter, my mother, and my sister. We left there and stopped for a late lunch on the way back. I dropped them off and came home. I felt my energy waning right after I left the outlet. I thought if I could get home and get some rest I would be fine to go to an event with my old classmates. I purchased tickets last week. I have had my dress and shoes and accessories planned for a week.
I came home but, I had to get back out because the dog (I am dog sitting for my brother-last minute) needed food. I came back home and I couldn’t relax. I know I needed to but, I just couldn’t. I asked myself, what the hell happened to all of my energy? I only went to the mall and back. Then I thought about the Spoons. I just started using this even though I have known about it for some time.
So where did my 12 spoons go?
- Two loads of laundry this morning and folded one= 1 spoon
- Breakfast-no spoons
- Clean up room (didn’t finish) = 5 spoons
- Get dressed=1 spoon
- Pick up sister and mom, drive to outlet=2 spoons
- Help daughter pick out clothes=1 spoons
- Drive home and drop off mom and sister=2 spoons Out of spoons at this point but, I have to do more
- Go back out get dog food=(-13)
- Fix a snack = (-14)
- Get dressed for bed (-15)
- Chic down!!!!
Well…there you have it. About tonight…
I didn’t mind or dislike washing my hair no more than any other person until I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis. In the beginning it wasn’t so bad because I could still manage it well. Lately, it has become more of a dread not because of detangling the hair so much. It is because it is takes forever (hours) for me to all of the steps. I have to rest in between or comeback to the twisting/rolling/blow drying later. And even when I am doing that I must rest in between or risk pain, a flare up and soreness (soreness courtesy or Fibromyalgia) later.
However, today was the worst day and an eyeopener. I can’t hold the hose to wash my hair as long as I use to. This frustrated me to tears today. Wash and stop, wash and stop, wash and oh just yank the hose and beat the sink with it! Yeah…that did not solve the problem but, it relieved some frustration. (My deep yoga breaths and count to 10 went right out the window). So, after I gathered my calm I simply took my time. I am on a tight budget and going to the beauty shop is a luxury.
Sometimes, many times, it will be the little things that get you. Cry. Yell. And adjust. And get creative. And keep going. The victory is in the never giving up.
First, let me say I don’t generally use the term “baby mama” but here I used it to grab the attention of readers. This one is dedicated to the single fathers, divorced single fathers or however you became a single father is none of my business and this is a judgement free zone.
If you want to instantly decrease the drama of the child/children’s mother here is part one. Brace yourself:
- Stop sleeping with her. You are keeping a connection physically for you but, emotionally for her. If you are sleeping with her to see your kids or out of convenience I challenge you to grow up and find a better way to see your children such as petitioning the courts to get proper visitation rights and not giving up or giving excuses. If you are sleeping with her to keep her from sleeping with another man, I suggest you get over her and focus on your children.
- Stop leading her on. Maybe we will get back together next year, in the future, in out of space. Your leading her on is an indication you are still tied to her. I thought you said you were over her? Not.
- Stop parading a slew of women in her face. Why are you doing this anyway? Is that not petty? Another indication you are trying to hurt her for hurting you. It’s called spite. If you have a new woman say so or don’t say so. If you are now married then establish the line and make it all about your children.
- Put your child or children first but, let her know you are not the babysitter you are the father who does not mind watching your child/children on the days you are not scheduled. She doesn’t get to interrupt your plans for her plans every weekend so she can hit the club or the Quan ( a new dance craze). The moment you say no she has a problem but the moment you need to rearrange it’s a problem. Tell her if you have to be flexible then so does she and mean it. Either it’s going to be rigid or flexible with both parents.
Digest this and Part 2 will come later. My book Healing the Single Mother is available on amazon.com
Wealth and riches shall be in my house.
Everything I lay my hand to succeeds and prospers
I prosper, my health prospers, my relationship prospers
The more I give the more is given to me
The more I love the more I am loved
My loyalty is returned 100 fold
Life is precious. Respect your life by taking the best care possible of yourself on all levels. Cherish the lives of others by giving them your undivided attention when they are telling you about what’s going on in their lives, on the job, when the elders are sharing wisdom and their childhood memories, when your children come into your room for no reason, while having lunch with a friend. Look at them. Look at their face and expressions. Look at what they have on. Pay attention. So when they leave here physically and come to visit you in your dreams you’ll understand what they want and what they are saying. My grand daddy on my Mom’s side showed up. His presence trumps the entire family. It’s like God showed up and trumped the laws of the land and authority figures. I said in the dream “Finally, someone who make everyone be quiet”. In other words, when God shows you “his presence” it is to remind you that he trumps this physical world and the problems you are having. We know he’s ever present but sometimes we don’t see him in our circumstances. -Nikki
There are times when you maybe in a place that is functional but does not provide as much beauty or pleasure as you desire. It could be dealing with pain, relationships or living conditions that are not the best. You are in a meantime position.
I was practicing yoga Tuesday and as I rolled out my mat, I saw the tree outside my window. I really like this tree. It is such a beautiful green in the spring and summer and this is my first time seeing it display yellow orange and red simultaneously (I moved here in May of this year). I was in some pain that day so my yoga would be limited. I also don’t care for some things in my new apartment I notice them when I am cleaning and the location is not my first or 100th choice. But this beautiful red maple (I researched and believe this to be a red maple) is “Something to See”.
The message from the Universe, God, Creator or Divine says “I will give you SOMETHING TO SEE in the midst of pain or displeasure. I will give you some beauty for your ashes. I will give you something to focus on to refocus your heart energy. It will be radiant and glorious and it will cause you to feel radiant and glorious in the midst of pain or discomfort. The Source is saying look at me I AM “SOMETHING TO SEE. Look within while you are in and you will realize that you too are SOMETHING TO SEE.”
Look outside the window of your circumstances…there you will find SOMETHING TO SEE. Look within while you are in as situation and you will see that you too are SOMETHING TO SEE.
-Nikki and the Red Maple