Saturday Morning Musing:
I don’t know about you but, when I was younger, I was so in love with love. I had no reservations about love and I am not talking about the fairy tale version. I am saying before the destructive behavior of others and some poor choices (you live and you learn! many times wisdom comes by experiences…good and bad), love was not tainted. It was not some murky substance but pure because of the Divine (and well really love still is pure but, people are not always).
Well, I still get this “lovey dovey” feeling if you will that I use to love having but, I have found myself being UNCOMFORTABLE with it over the years. It can be quite frightening sometimes. So this morning I was sipping my coffee and looking out the window when I said “Ugh, God, this lovey dovey mushy gushy feeling! Why me Lord?! Why do I get this feeling!!” ( I was very dramatic #OscarNominated). And there was no mistaken when I heard the voice of God or Morgan Freeman playing God say: “Don’t worry about getting that lovey dovey feeling. It means you still have HOPE in that type of LOVE. It means you still have “that” type of LOVE in your HEART. It means all of that pain hasn’t killed “that” type of LOVE. I put that LOVE in you. Now, when you resist that lovey dovey feeling it is you who will kill it. Only you can kill it. No one else and nothing else. It is the choice you make to bury it. Worry when you don’t feel it. When you are not moved by couples and wedding photos and wonderful marriages.”
I guess God told me! I sipped my coffee and changed my tone: “Oh my Dear Divine, I sure do thank you for this lovey dovey feeling! I am keeping HOPE ALIVE!” I am sure God smiled at me as I would smile at my silly child and shake my head. #DO OVER
If I asked you what was more important than your children you would say nothing! If I asked you who or what comes before your children you would say no one and nothing! If I asked you if you spent time with your children you would say of course I do. I take them to the park, I take them to go get ice cream, I take them to the movies, I take them to their games and we have game night. I would say awesome but, are you there in body and in mind or are you there in body and half-“donkey” mentally? In other words are you engaging in every moment and soaking up every conversation or quietness (when they are tweens and teens)? Are you looking at their expressions? Gestures? Are you looking at the screen? Are you watching the game? Or are you looking at your phone or social media? Are you texting? Are you playing a game? Are you talking business or pleasure? Are you talking to your spouse or significant other?
If you can’t fathom the idea of leaving your phone in the car or turning it off during game night or while you’re at the movies in fear you may miss a call or text or post…you have a serious problem. A serious and sad addiction to a device. A sick relationship with your phone.
Here is a bright idea. Why don’t you call everyone you think may call or text you and tell them you will be with your children for about two hours and you are turning the phone off for uninterrupted time to give your children some UNDIVIDED ATTENTION. Well, Nikki, I have aging parents or a very important business matter. Well…I strongly suggest you don’t go on any social media or set your phone to quiet time and only allow your business contact or parents to interrupt. Tell the person on the other end I got one minute then I will have to call you back because I am having quality time with my child and I can’t possible talk to you/watch them at the same time effectively. It bugs the hell (heck for the offended) out of me when children just want your focus, conversations, time and all eyes on them and you can’t because you are oblivious to them because you are so connected to your phone. Time with your children FIRST …girlfriends, boyfriends, friends, phone games, social media later. They would have not constantly ask you “Did you hear me?” or “Did you see that?” if you were PRESENT in MIND and BODY.
The first thing I let go of was the definition in my head of consistent exercise meaning everyday and 30 minutes to an hour of exercise. It was the beginning of a breakthrough. Each time I didn’t exercise daily or didn’t make the 30 minute mark I was disappointed. In the chronic pain world I live in it may not happen every day and it certainly may not happen for 30 minutes. Consistency is any 3 days or more. Time is whatever my mind and body agree upon.
The second thing I did was stop assigning days, exact times i.e. at noon and what exercises I was going to do that day in stone or at all. I realize my body may not want to walk on Monday if I my hips have given me the blues all night or the soles of my feet are tender and swollen. My shoulder blades may be on fire and I can’t do butterflies with light hand weights (3lbs). Knowing in your head that your exercise days are flexible and interchangeable relieves you of the pressure to do what you said you were going do at 5:00 A.M. before you head to work or get the children ready if you took a painkiller at 1:00 A.M. it’s not going to happen! And it’s okay. You can choose a different exercise. You don’t get to say well can’t walk oh well. You say can’t walk…let me do some hand exercises or upper body exercise…let me stretch. You can you tube and google hand exercises, feet and toe exercises, chair exercises, yoga for flare days. Give yourself options.
Next, I set a goal and then I set “realistic” goals. You see, in my heart I want to set a lofty goal and then when I fail at it I will be disappointed. So I set a lofty goal and then I set a realistic goal. I am going to do 100 butterflies because I think I am the old me but, then I say if that doesn’t work I will settle for 10. So when I do 10 or 12 I am happy! If shoulders start to hurt at 5 I am happy. I will do 5 more another day. See???? Win-win.
The one thing I wish I could have done first was STOP COMPARING MYSELF WITH OTHER PEOPLE EXERCISING OR MY OLD SELF. However, I will tell you the truth: It is something I STILL from time to time. I will say I have learned to think “Wow, that’s awesome she or he is doing 10 miles. Great job!” and I keep going and taking my breaks as needed. I can be happy for others and I can be grateful my body is still giving me her very best under strenuous circumstances. I often thank my body after I am done or if I can’t finish I thank my body for trying. In therapy, I am learning to move on from the old Nikki and embrace the new reality of Nikki. I was fabulous doing 5 miles and I am fabulous doing 1 mile no matter how long it takes. Somethings in the past do not serve me in a positive way and reflecting on it does nothing for my new reality. I have many things I can still be grateful that are not physical. And so do you!
*We have flares and they can last a day or weeks or months. Do what you can and get the rest you need but, just keep going at your own pace.*
On December 31st I had a dream in which I was shown I had access to all sorts of jewels. It was a hidden box of amazing pieces and stones. My first thoughts upon waking up were “Hidden Jewels”. I knew then “God, the Divine Creator of the Universe” was telling me that on the inside of me are jewels I didn’t know I had access to (or maybe forgotten because you know I believe I have been here before and perhaps they were collected in lifetimes…yeah I know I love me too). I went to the mailbox in the dream to get some mail and the person in the dream (a good friend of mines was dressed as the mailman) said “There is a box hidden in this box” and that is when I “opened” the hidden box and there were these amazingly unique jewels of all kinds and sizes. Some were loose pieces of gems and stones. Many others were fashioned into necklaces, earrings, and bracelets. It seemed as if I could never get to the bottom of this large long safe deposit box. It was long and deep.
So, I wanted to answer two questions for you. 1. How do I know if I have hidden jewels if no one tells me or I don’t have a dream or epiphany? 2. How do I access the hidden jewels?
- I am telling you NOW that you have hidden jewels on the inside of you. So now you know! (Pass it on)
- Open up. You access the hidden jewels by opening up to the possibilities and opportunities that come your way. You access the hidden jewels in meditation and prayer. You access the hidden jewels by staying connected to your Source and yourself (your heart). It’s that simple!!! It will come to you…sort of like a dream 🙂
So go forth, from here on out and “Be Jeweled”. Adorn yourself in your gifts and talents. It’s not showing off. Who puts on their jewelry and says “Oh…I hope no one notices my favorite necklace.” They are your gifts. Go forth and “Be Jeweled” with an open heart and mind as the keys to accessing all of your other hidden gifts and talents.
We could blame the way we are on our personalities saying “This is just the way I am or I have always been “that” way. If “that” way has gotten in the way of jobs and relationships maybe you should think about getting to the root of “that” way. WHY are you the way you are?
You could blame your parents, your childhood, your past experiences, and your illnesses. When it comes to some of our negative and damaging ways, it’s not so much about who’s fault it is as much as it is about who’s responsibility it is to change those ways. You are not a dog and you can be taught new tricks. Instead of assigning blame which gives us a way to justify our behavior or relieves of us of responsibility, I propose the idea of citing these things or people as sources. They are the root causes branching out into our thoughts, actions, and words. What are the “sources” of my behavior? What are the “sources” of my feelings and thought patterns?
It is a matter of will, choice,and work. Real work. A real look at the source but, the real WORK begins in the effort to change those thoughts which will change those feelings and replace those actions with new and improved actions. The work is NOT easy. Sometimes help has to come from a spiritual figure or professional help to assist you in the unravel of those tangled roots and put new tools in front of you. This overhaul is a long haul and can take years to improve. I’m still untangling roots!! I don’t want to keep producing spoiled and rotten fruits in my life. I want to cut the root that produces the bad fruit.