Parent Shaming

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“I’d never punish my child “like that”. I’d never allow my child to eat candy. I wouldn’t allow my child to wear that. I can’t believe she let her teen die her hair purple.”

There may be extreme circumstances but, this blog is not about that. This blog is about Parents shaming other Parents for the choices they make for “their” children and then tossing them into BAD PARENT JAIL… FOREVER. Just because you wouldn’t do it or you were not taught/raised that way doesn’t mean you’re a better parent or the way you were raised was better then another person. It simply confirms the that:

EVERYONE’S CHILDHOOD IS DIFFERENT and that plays a role in how we raise our own children.

We all have DIFFERENT philosophies on parenting.

Our personalities play a role in parenting. We have different personalities.

Different life experiences play a role in parenting.

 

___ As Producer for In Development ‘Fresh Prince of Bel-Air’ Reboot

I’m not sure because a parent let their child wear a Mohawk the parent is a bad parent or lacks good judgement simply because it’s something I’d never do. Do they have a good relationship with their child? Is the child loved and cared for? Fed? Doing well in school? Has morals and values? (those are subjective too based on many things including culture and religious views).

EIGHT IS ENOUGH, (Top, L-R) Laurie Walters, Grant Goodeve, Lani O'Grady, Connie Newton, Willie Ames. (Bottom, L-R) Dianne Kay, Adam Rich, Dick Van Patten, Susan Richardson, 1977 - 1981. (c) Warner Bros. Tel./ Courtesy: Everett Collection.

 

 

 

 

I was only wondering, since there is no handbook to parenting, if we could be more supportive of other parents in general. Especially when they make mistakes. After all, there are no perfect parents… Not even you.

~Nikki

The Motion of the Ocean

 

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Pacific Ocean in Panama

I don’t think it has much to do with my zodiac sign Pisces ♓ but more so the peace that the ocean brings. It’s the crashing of the waves onto shore that seems to lull you to sleep at night. It’s the rolling, the motion of the tides that seem to come up to your toes and kiss them and playfully run away. It’s a pleasurable game.

When you attempt to take in its vastness and imagine its depth you are overwhelmed with awe. You start to think of the stories it could yield.

It’s the way it says good morning with sparkles in the water like diamonds floating on top as the sun rises. It’s the way it says goodnight in concert with the sunset.

I don’t know what it is about the smell, the sound, and the motion of the ocean but…I like it.

~Nikki

This N’s For You

 

 

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This N is for YOU. NEVER STOP LOVING YOURSELF THROUGH THE JOURNEY OF THIS LIFE. I’ll tell you it has its mountains and valleys. It has its deep curves. You’ll run off the road into ditches. You’ll fall off cliffs but YOU WILL (and many times surprisingly) SURVIVE! Sometimes you won’t know what hit you but, when you come through you’ll begin to remember who you are. So NEVER stop loving yourself through the journey. No one is expecting you to be perfect even if the no one was someone that told you to be perfect. They misunderstood so charge it to their heads (logic) and not their hearts(spirit). Bless their hearts ♥… We are not here to be perfect.

I say NEVER stop loving yourself through this journey because I’ve done that. I’ve not forgiven myself for my mistakes, what I thought were EPIC failures and all of the imperfections I struggle with. When you can’t forgive yourself you can’t fully love yourself. You’ll hold yourself back with guilt but, it’s not okay to ignore these areas either which many people do. Ignoring your mistakes, your failures and imperfections creates an illusion of perfectionism. Those are the lofty self righteous people. And the ones that boast are the ones that never address their errors and keep on hurting themselves and others. They lack the courage to face their mistakes, failures or imperfections. And change for us all can be daunting because it requires the admittance that we did something wrong and heavens forbid we realize we are not perfect! Plus change is work!

But you, you’re not them. You just want to get it right. But, if you stop loving yourself as you go through this life with unforgiveness for yourself, it’s going to be one hell of a journey. Unforgiveness for yourself is like stacking another backpack 🎒 on your other backpacks for this journey. Who needs that? Mistakes are lessons. Failures are opportunities to learn. Imperfections… Some can be fixed, some have to be accepted, others will be worked on until you leave here. Whew…. What a relief!

Once I got that revelation I could work on forgiving myself along the way in this journey. Forgiveness is sometimes quick and sometimes a tedious long drawn out process. But putting one foot in front of the other means you’re still moving forward.

-Nikki

Managing Pain? Where they do “that” at?

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Pain management? Like, what do you do? Give your pain a schedule? Tell it to stop? I’d like to see that happen!

The truth is I have never been to pain management classes and the truth is there are those of us who suffer from chronic pain that could benefit from it because another truth is…not everyone is good at managing pain.

In the beginning diagnoses of your illness you are learning and sometimes it takes a few years to match a method to the madness. There will never be a perfect method but, it can help tremendously to be armed with the knowledge and tools. Imagine being stranded…wouldn’t it be better to at least have the blanket, the extra water, the cellphone and to have watched a couple of episodes of Survivor (or know some MacGyver tricks…old old old show) or maybe a bottle of Frank’s Hot sauce since they “Put that — on everything!”

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(Yeah that’ll fix your lupus!)

I learned through trial and error, research, listening to my body, intuition and knowledge of my illnesses/dis-ease how to manage it to the best of my ability. It’s about what works for you.

  • It’s about knowing and understanding as much as you can about your illness or dis-ease. I had a difficult time reading about Rheumatoid Arthritis, Fibromyalgia and Osteoarthritis because I am very sensitive and after 5 years I am still accepting it. You need to know what you are dealing with.
  • Be prepared for EVERYTHING and EVERYWHERE because most of our symptoms are UNPREDICTABLE and PREDICTABLE based on your body and schedule. I know if I am going to drive to a few places I have my gloves, I do hand exercises to keep my joints loose. I know if I am going to be the passenger to get out and stretch every chance I get! Take your hot/cold water thingy. I take mines everywhere. Especially if I am going to be at family functions, long rides and trips. (Beats dragging a heating pad and these are cute)
  • Have your meds with you. Have extra pain meds until you can get back home. I have to take a Benadryl in my med pack because I never know if I will have a itching flare and that would be so embarrassing to me!  (I’m a fashion diva and you can purchase cute pill boxes. I was never comfortable whipping out bottles or a big strip that may as well came with a neon sign reading SHE’S TAKING HER MEDS!!!!)

 

  • Know your triggers. Is it a certain food? Is it after you exercise? Is it a certain person?Is it after a meeting at work you know is going to be stressful and drama filled? Is is the Wednesday soccer practice, football practice, dinner, get everyone to bed on time?
  • I hear my body saying “Wow! You have how many things to do today?” or “I am tired. Can we go home now? Can we stop now?” and if you must push through be prepared. Get your hot soak ready, your cold pack, your hot pack, your pillows, is everything withing arms reach by your bedside?
  • And say NO! No I can’t do that. No that is too much. No I will not push myself today. No it can wait.

I hope this helps you! ❤ < 3 Much love and less pain

~Nikki

 

 

 

 

“L”oving KOBE. The MAMBA DRIVE.

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Kobe Bryant. What is it that I really like about Kobe? It’s what I call the Mamba Drive.

Sure I thought I could never love another after Magic Johnson retired. Nobody could take his place! But, then I saw this art in the making. I begin to make room in my purple and gold heart for this…”Kobe.” Before we knew what “it” was we knew “it” was something that could not be denied. It was called arrogance but, I called it youth. It was called cockiness but, I called it confidence. It was called selfishness but, I called it trying to fill the shoes he was given. Was it those things at times? Sure. We watched Kobe grow and mature. But, what I have come to realize is those things displayed at the moment he made the shot or scored all of those points was simply the way HARD WORK  in the DARK manifested on the court (LIFE). It was the pay off of the gift executed by hard work. He took his gift seriously. He never took it for granted. He never played it shy either. I like that.

It’s the tirelessness. It’s the practice over and over and over again. It’s the work he put in on his own time. He said “He was born for it (basketball).” It’s the comeback kid in him. It’s the leave it all on the court…simply relentless. It’s the learning how to lead and letting your teammates shine. It’s the becoming of WE without giving up the ME. It’s the let them talk about me but, I will not say I am not GREAT so they can feel comfortable. I worked hard to be GREAT. It’s the I came to work TO WORK  now stop talking because we are on the clock. It’s the MAMBA DRIVE. THE MAMBA DRIVE produces a MAMBA ZONE. That is what you saw on the court. That is what you see in life. You see a person that won’t give up and then you them in a zone.

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The MAMBA DRIVE is created through perseverance. You earn the right to say I KNOW I AM GOOD AT THIS because I work hard to be the BEST at this. I study every angle. I come to dominate. I came here to be competitive in my calling and yes…to talk a little trash along the way. The MAMBA DRIVE doesn’t give up or in. It disregards what others have to say because the MAMBA DRIVE demands a close relationship with self. You know your own voice. It is the voice you listen to all the time. Make this move. Go that way. You got a little more left in you. You’re tired? Your opponent is not tired. Lead. Rest. Don’t stop. Don’t quit. Don’t look at the score board. Don’t listen to the critics. Listen to me. The MAMBA DRIVE.

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Keepsakes

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I remember when my Uncle Sunny passed away. It was the year I graduated (ages ago). My dad would go over to his only brother’s house and take care of him, bring him food and take care of business for him. I would sit in the living room on those firsts few trips until Uncle Sunny would tell me to come in and see him. Sometimes my daddy would tell me and then I just started to go on in on my own.

Uncle Sunny was this strong Veteran. My dad is too and has a Purple Heart. But, when my Uncle Sunny was young and up until he died, he had these big muscles and always wore a white tee and jeans. Well, at least that is what I remember. I also remember his house was like a museum filled with odds and ends. For my graduation he gave me a $100 bill. The most money I’d ever had. My dad thought it was too much but, Uncle Sunny didn’t!

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I remember them (the family) cleaning out his place and I saw the jean jacket and I saw this silver object that said LOVE. I asked if I could have those and they said sure. I lost the jacket at a game and I cried for weeks about that jacket but, I never lost my LOVE. It has been everywhere I’ve moved and I always find a place for LOVE. It’s a keepsake of the uncle I never really got to know but will always remain a symbol of strength…and LOVE.

JEWELS in OUR Crown TOO

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I can speak for many parents, but today I am speaking for single parents who were never married when they had their child or children. Our child or children are our JEWELS in our crowns TOO. In spite of the way they were brought into this world, they are no less loved and no less cherished. Regardless of whether a father  is present or absent, they are no less important, their dreams and education are no less important to us. We may live with a certain DOUBLE stigma due to the way society and the religious sector is set up, and so may our children from the overly righteous and the morally perfected of society. When we step back  and take a look at the faces of our children as they thrive in spite being raised in a one parent household, as they  glitter with becoming “good human beings”, we are filled with pride. There shines our JEWELS.

Isolation and Chronic Illness

 

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I have had my moments before RA and Fibro where I didn’t want to be bothered but usually, like everyone else, I was going through something or simply moody. You eventually come out of that and get back to life. Well, this isolation that occurs with chronic illness and chronic pain is a different slope. A very slippery one that can have you sliding down a slope into deep dark valleys of depression or becoming a permanent hermit. Whether you know it or not neither one of those scenarios is going to improve your pain in the long run. It’s going to make your suffering worse and often facilitates it.

Yes, we all need time alone and some of us more than others. However, I have learned that if I don’t eventually turn that ship around I am headed into the deep waters. The truth is we need human interaction. Some of us can’t get away because be have a spouse or children or family or all three to take care of. We find ways to isolate ourselves by skipping family outings and gatherings. This is okay but, when it becomes all too often and never getting out what are you really shrinking back from?

We have to address the mental toil our illnesses take on us and not let it get the best of us. I found myself drowning numerous times in isolation because of the pain, because I KNOW no one understands and to avoid certain things I thought “people” thought about me  REAL or PERCEIVED. Alone time and isolation are two different things and I think  you can be isolated even if you have a spouse or family. You can be there but NOT there mentally and emotionally. I urge you to get the help you need by finding a  good therapist to help you cope ,understand or deal with whatever you are going through. Many of us feel the same way. You are not alone.

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Physician, HEAL THY SELF

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Of course I did the research on this proverb that Jesus quoted in the Bible “Physician, heal yourself” but, I want to take a different perspective on this proverb. What if we are all Physicians in this day an era when it comes to HEALING not only our bodies but, our  minds, hearts, and souls? Meaning what if we have the knowledge, the information, the “wherewithal” (just wanted to say wherewithal because I have never used that word! LOL) to heal whatever ails us?

We KNOW making healthy choices and giving up bad habits can help heal our bodies. We know that meditation, a spiritual life and prayer can help heal our souls. We know that talking with a good therapist, wise friend or good leader can help us repair the mental anguish we suffer from. For all we know, all of these things combined can work miracles. We are miracles! Developing a listening ear for you body, your heart, your mind and taking heed…(please take heed) can make us better physicians to heal ourselves. Oh yeah, and a good physician knows that what works for her or him may not work for others.

 

GIVING more than you TAKE

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In a relationship, we may have been taught to TAKE more than we GIVE. I wanted to gear this blog post towards women doing the taking and men doing the giving but, when I think about it that is not all ways the case. I think we can find many situations in our relationships where one person is doing the taking and not giving back as much as they take. Perhaps, they can’t help it and the person that takes it is well aware and equip to handle it. But what about those who take and never think to give back in some kind of way?

Sometimes we berate our partner’s ears with our woes and complaints but we never give the same ear to their woes. We ask “Well, how was your day?” while we wash the dishes, sweep the floor or whirl around the bedroom preparing for the next day simply nodding and saying “Mmm.  Un huh. You don’t say.” Or while we sit in front of the television we ask  ” So what’s going on?”  Never truly hearing or feeling what they are saying.Yes people want you to HEAR and FEEL what they are SAYING. EVEN MEN!!!

We complain and we complain about everything they do but when do we give compliments? I think if you compliment more than you complain those complaints may not be worth talking about at all or maybe the things you don’t like that they do may diminish. Or just maybe….maybe you will discover they are not going to change that and you will give it a final resting place.

What about GIVING interests in the things that interests them? What about GIVING quality time? What about GIVING them a break? Take a few moments and reflect where you can GIVE more of these things in your relationships. Sometimes it’s as simple as GIVING then space. I am a creative being and sometimes I just need space to create.