A. The Scarlet Letter

Letter A

You’re too YOUNG to have…Arthritis.

Response: First of all, it’s not Arthritis it’s Rheumatoid Arthritis and yes there is a difference. Second of all, I know.

Well, you know, we all are getting old, we all have Arthritis.

Response: It’s not arthritis, it’s Rheumatoid Arthritis. It’s not your grandma’s arthritis. It affects more than your joints.

What’s wrong with you anyway?

Response: That’s a rude way to ask me.

You’re ALWAYS sick.

Response: Probably because I ALWAYS have R.A. (Rheumatoid Arthritis and Fibro).

We didn’t ask you because we thought you may be sick or “that” may be too much for you.

Response: That was very considerate of you BUT, could you please ask me what “I” would like to do and not decide in advance what I can and cannot do? Thank You.

You’re always sleepy.

Response: I don’t sleep well at night.

I really hate R.A.

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Women. You don’t have time for BOYS.

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I remember my parents telling me when I was in school “Your education comes first. You don’t have time for boys.” I can’t say I always listened to this instruction but, I can say it always came back to me. I tell my daughter to focus on her education while she is in school and eventually, college and not on boys. This is the time to figure out what makes you happy and what you enjoy. In other words, don’t make boys your priority. Impress yourself.

Well, as a woman, I want to tell you, I still don’t have time for boys. However, I do have time for men. I don’t have time for boys for different reasons other than education and trying to figure out what makes me happy and what I enjoy ( I was a late bloomer in that area and I am still figuring some things out). When you are mature in your emotions, when you are working towards achieving a more fulfilling life, be it socially, emotionally, physically, etc you don’t have time for boys. Boys will jerk your emotions around. Boys will destabilize your foundation. Boys will waste your time. Boys will play games. Boys don’t know what they want. They are still trying to figure out their role as a man. Sure they work. Sure some have financial goals but when it comes to relationships I find boys are still in it for selfish gain. I find men are in it for the satisfaction of themselves and their partner. I think you can be a man in many areas but a boy in other areas. I think the same about women. We can be a woman about our financial affairs but, a girl when it comes to what we allow in a relationship. What I mean by both of those statements is it comes down to growth and maturity. When you were a child, you acted like a child but when you became an adult, you should have or at least be aggressively working on putting away childish motives, attitudes, actions, fears and phobias.

Let me clarify this: I have time for men, who may be boys in an area but, are doing their best to grow in the area of love and relationships. However, I can’t allow the repeated abuse of my heart.

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Balance, After Grounding

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You cannot have balance if you do not ground yourself first-Nicole Jackson via Holy Spirit. I asked this question this morning during “coffee” meditation and this is the answer given to me. In my study this year to become my Authentic Self, I am on the subject “Balance and Grounding.”

“Ground YOURSELF in YOUR beliefs as it relates to your religion and beyond (yourself, world views). Know what it is YOU believe and understand it. Know what it is YOU don’t believe and why it is you don’t believe it. Whatever you believe and do must be grounded in love or you will not have balance. ”

“I am not upset with you, I will not disown you, I will not pay you back, for not believing everything you read or hear. What kind of God would I be? I created you a reasoning being but, I also created you spiritual. In due time, you will understand or have no need to understand. You have all of eternity to understand (study and research) or experience (trials, errors, success-no such thing as failure) what you don’t “get” or “feel”. I am patient. Nothing can separate you from my love. You don’t have to feel guilty about not understanding or not believing or not agreeing.”

“Know this: There are spiritual laws in effect and earthly laws in effect. I have covered all the bases for your success…even if it doesn’t look like success.”

Grounding. I got it. I can get it. I have to take some time to figure out what I believe and what beliefs I have outgrown. Including the ones about myself. I can’t keep putting on beliefs I have outgrown via understanding and experience-growth. I probably look like a graduate trying to sit at the Kindergarten table in order to please the Teachers.

 

 

Be a Rock but, Don’t Become a Rock

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For those of us who are single and want love again/who pretend we don’t want love again:

In the effort to protect your heart, as you learn from your mistakes when it comes to love and depending on others, don’t become a rock. In your independence, your mantra “I don’t need a man” and “I can do it all by myself”, don’t become a rock. In your rise to the top of your field, in building your own legacy, don’t become a rock. In the event, love comes to you in the form of a man, he doesn’t want to lay next to a rock. He doesn’t want to sit across the table from a rock. He doesn’t want to have a conversation with a rock. He doesn’t mind you being a rock, he just doesn’t want you to become a rock. It’s hard to cuddle with a rock. It’s challenging to be vulnerable with a rock.

What I am saying to you is, these things we go through in life as women are designed to make us strong…like a rock. The things we learn are meant to make us wiser not meaner. The not so good choices we make are designed to teach us insight into our own being. Broken hearts give us empathy towards others. Broken promises make us weigh the promises we make before we make them and give us the power to keep the ones we make. We learn to forgive so we can heal.

Yes, be a rock. Yes, be strong. Yes, be resilient. Embody the qualities of a rock. Don’t become a rock. A rock doesn’t feel. A rock doesn’t laugh. A rock doesn’t love. A rock doesn’t feel. Don’t lose your vulnerability. It is beautiful. We just become wiser as to to whom to share it with.

Creating Balance and Grounding

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In the last three days I have seen the ugly in radicalism as it relates to a few people whom are on the extreme end of religion and those who are on the extreme end of the “conscious” sector. It really disturbed my spirit. It literally made me nauseous. The ugly display of ego/flesh like a buffet of rotted meat. It’s such a turn off: insults, the attitude, the disrespect and dishonor of others beliefs. There are so many wise sayings and scriptures as it relates to knowledge puffing you up. It is obvious they take no interests in moving beyond facts and subjective truth into love and freedom. If you don’t have that then what are we talking about anyway? It’s perfectly fine if they want to stay there but, I don’t want to be in the same space with them if I don’t have to be.

So, being surrounded and pulled into this type of chaos, I asked God, what are you saying to me? What is it that you want me to get from this? I  know not to be like this but, what is it? Do I need to learn MORE tolerance? Do I need to remove myself? Stay? Go? What? Why am I seeing this? Why is it attaching itself to me?

I was getting ready to pray when I saw this photo above, and I read this which was beneath it:

Kashyapa Mudra – mudra for balance and protection against negative energies Kashyapa Mudra symbolizes tortoise, union of masculine and feminine and Sage Kashyapa (Hindu mythology). Like tortoise it creates a seal against negative energies. Use it when you find yourself in conflict situation or when among the group of negative people. You can hold this mudra when visiting places having dark past. Like union of masculine and feminine, this mudra helps in creating balance and grounding

Nikki, you need to create balance and grounding. I am a sensitive soul. It is a gift (I had to learn that too after many tried to tell me it was a negative thing and I also had to learn how to protect it and utilize it). I need to create balance and grounding when negative energies are circulating in the atmosphere in relation to beliefs. I will work on that. I will do just that. I am sure the Divine is ready to teach me because I am ready to learn. When the student is ready…

Saturday Morning Musing. Fixing.

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Saturday Morning Musing.
As I listen to the roofers on the roof, whom will be soon coming to my condo next, I often wonder how many times the roof blamed the rain and wind for it’s problems. Yet, the rain and the wind will never be fixed even if they did cause the problem. The roofers are fixing the roof. Sometimes it’s not your fault but, you still need fixing. -Nikki

Gratefulness. Right Where You Are

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Since I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis and Fibromyalgia my life has been turned upside down. I think I am at about 180 degrees now, so I am midway from being right side up. I have not been working in the traditional sense and I had to move to cut expenses.

To be honest with you, I wasn’t crazy about where I stayed but I absolutely loved the neighborhood. I was blessed to find a place that was twice the size with a lower rent, not too far from my old neighborhood and shops but, the neighborhood I am in has it’s woes. In my condo, there are some things I don’t like. They really get to me because I am a firm believer in when you do something, anything you do it right. And when things are not done right or half done I can get physically ill every time I see it! I am a Pisces and we love to be surrounded by beauty. I won’t tell you what it is that disturbs my peace when I see it. I will reiterate that is drives me NUTS!!!! I also stay on the busy side of a street so sleeping can be a challenge as you know having RA and Fibro you already can’t get much rest.

However, in order to keep my sanity and blessings flowing I often have to remind myself how blessed I am remembering things can be 10 times worse. I also have to create some happiness and beauty where I am. I will plant a garden. I will decorate. I will get a dog. I will get some fish for my aquarium. When I look at the things that make me go UGH!!! I start to name all the things I love about this place. I love my neighbor and her son. She is my friend of over 15 years and her son and my daughter are cousins (I am an honorary aunt). We help each other out. We sit on the deck and sip cocktails and enjoy the night sky. I love the space. I love the beautiful tree outside that blooms and when the sun hits the bark it illuminates the entire space. I love my carport. I love that it is gated. I love that we look out for each other over here. I have lenient landlord and who will fix things quickly. I have two huge closets. I am down the street from my sister. The tile floor is beautiful.

Half the time when I go into the UGH mode I find it is really because I am feeling down about my circumstances or I am having a extremely tough day physically and emotionally. I say to my God, my wonderful Creator of the Universe: It is well with my soul. I trust you in this place. I can create my way out. It is not my final dwelling place and I am so very thankful for the layover on my way to my heart’s desire.

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-Nikki