RA,Quilts & Granny

 

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I’ve discovered I need different types of blankets depending on how I feel. I can’t explain it. I have a thin spread, as my mother would call it on my bed, a chenille blanket for downstairs because it’s always cooler downstairs, a thick fuzzy blanket to go on top of the thin “spread” if it’s not doing it’s job and what I now need is a quilt.
Yesterday I suddenly became ill while visiting my parents. It’s warm here but I was freezing. They turned the air off gave me a blanket and I still couldn’t get warm.
Then my mom brought a quilt my granny made. I fell asleep right away. Now I would like to have a quilt my granny made or when I finish my sewing classes, I’d like to take the ones she had left undone and finish them. It’s the one thing I wish I would have learned to do from her before she passed away or as I say, transformed (from the physical body to the spiritual body). I dreamed she was showing me yesterday evening as I slept. Now, I really believe I can do it. Even if it will be a challenge with my RA.

 

~Nikki

 

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Table of Faith for One

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It must be difficult being the only one in your family that believes in YOU. There you are born into a family were seeds of doubt have been planted and watered generation after generation.

Crazy talk is what they call it when you think about becoming what you dream of. First of all, you have no business dreaming. No one in this family dreamed of anything or at least had the nerve to verbalize it, let alone the gall to make plans.

You’ve got to have some kind of faith to believe you can do it when no one else in your family does. Family is suppose to believe in you and be supportive but that’s not always the case. You’re courageous stepping out there into the unknown in pursuit of something different. Is not what this family offers good enough for you? It’s not about what the family offers or if their goals for you are not good enough. It’s about what the universe has to offer you and about YOUR OWN GOALS. You’ll never be happy doing what other people want you to do and you’ll never know if you can do anything if you don’t try and try and try again.

Prepare to be seated at a table for one many times in this journey to fulfill your dreams. It’s lonely at the top they say but, what about when it’s lonely at the bottom in a room full of family?

I pray your strength. I pray comfort, love, and the peace of the Creator surround you every step of the way as you free your family and prepare the way for a new generation to be free to BE. Free to try, to succeed, to do something different and to still be loved. No matter what.

P.S. You may as well enjoy the view!
~Nikki

Bad Surprises

 

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Energy zap, nausea and shock waves of pain. They come out of nowhere. On their own and when they darn well please.

You’re halfway done grocery shopping or washing dishes and suddenly the lights go out. That’s the feeling of energy zap. It can happen and all you did was get dressed for the day. Surprise!!!!

Nausea shows up anywhere. It doesn’t care if you just sat down for dinner or a date or both. It doesn’t care that you had a decent night of sleep and all you did was sat up on the side of the bed. Nausea can come and go or stay with you and nag you all-day-long. Surprise!!!!

You’re sitting there chatting with a dear friend and out of no where you feel as if you are being electrocuted with a wave of pain. You reach for your arm or leg and press into it. You’re friend asks “Are you okay?” With a look of concern. A few moments past and you say “Yeah. What was I was talking about?” As if that just didn’t just happen. Surprise!!!

These are the bad surprises of chronic illnesses that you never get use to. Well, at least I haven’t. It’s no wonder many of us are mean and crabby but I don’t let my illness determine my weather. Not much. I try to adjust my funky attitude or send myself to my room. I’m in my room now.

 

Mondays Weekends

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Lifeguard station in Panama. Early sunrise.

Mondays are usually my off days. I don’t normally, if can be avoided, schedule any appointments on Mondays. I don’t really want to talk business either or heavy issues. All I want is rest. Peace. Shhhhh. Quiet please. No drama 🎭 Only good vibes. I use it to organize my week from goals to meals to appointments.

You see as a person with RA (Rheumatoid arthritis) and Fibromyalgia this is my day to recoup from any activity/activities over the weekend. I learned this only towards the end of last year. Weekends can zap ⚡ everything out of you. It’s usually then you try to do a little extra or maybe lose your mind and go overboard.
When Monday comes I discover I would miss or cancel more appointments. If I don’t rest on Mondays, I’m setting myself up for a flare. Even though RA or Fibro has a mind of its own and can flare at any given time, I don’t want to set it ablaze! And I’ll conk out midweek usually in fatigue and you guessed it, more pain.

I’m a Mom and I have parents that need my help as much as I need theirs. Any type of illness that has unpredictable symptoms and triggers adds to the unpredictability of life. Bringing in any type of routine and normalcy keeps a lid on the sanity.
I’m committed to my Mondays being light. I look forward to them. I don’t know how long all of this is going to last when I become a well to do author, fashion designer, speaker, paid blogger 😀 but for now, let’s just go with it.
~Nikki

HYSTERICALLY, YOURS TRULY

 

The Spirit can not speak to you when you’re hysterical. If you’re acting crazed or frantic, in the movies they would slap you back into reality. (I always wanted to be in that scene so I could say “Get a grip” while shaking the person). Hysteria is beyond a slap or reasoning. You’re not hanging on the cliff of your thoughts. You’ve let go. Your thoughts are now your reality and in your MIND it’s really happening as you see it.

Last night, I was hysterical. When a person is hysterical it’s like watching a wind up toy shake sporadically and buzz noisily going nowhere. It dies down and when you touch it it just might have a little more buzz and movement left.

The entire time I’m hysterical, God didn’t answer any questions and didn’t provide any comfort. Hysterical people ask question and refute your rational answers. You try to hug them or hold them and they fight you or pull away. God or Spirit just let me wind down. I went to sleep 💤.

I woke up in a decent mood to a sunny Sunday morning. I’m now sipping French roasted coffee. And Spirit speaks:

Nikki, I love you. I’m sorry your circumstances, combined with unexpected situations yesterday, your physical issues and the news I gave you sent you seemingly over the edge. But you asked a question I felt like you needed to know the answer to. I knew you would feel and think the way you did so I just let you be. It wasn’t a good time for us to talk but, I was there of course.

I hope you enjoyed the dream I gave you in which you traveled to New Orleans. You were having FUN and I made sure it was filled with vibrant colors and vibrant energy. Did you see the beautiful fabrics you were going to buy? I wanted to show you reality and get you to feel it.

Last night, you were out of control and I’m not upset about it at all because no harm was done. I’m glad you went through that illusion. Like the hall of mirrors in a so called funhouse. Things can get strange in there. Moving stairs to throw you off balance and make you stumble. Creepy clowns and mazes. I had to wait until you came out.

Now that it’s morning I want to tell you there is a time to go with the flow and there is a time to go against the current. When you discover you’re drastically off your life course it can be an overwhelming feeling as you look at how far you have to go to get back there and how much time you think you’ve wasted. Your arms (your mind) gets tired. You get exhausted. Rational: This is too much. I’m tired. Frustrated. I need to rest. Hysteria: This is too much. I’m never going to be able to do it. I’m tired. I may as well let go. Don’t try to save me but save me. I should save myself. Look at all the people ahead of me. I was too weak to be like them. Why did this happen to me. Why did I do this to myself. I’m dying. I’m dead. Go on without me. Leave me be. I’m dead.

There you were spinning. You spun out. Now we can keep going until you get back to start because this is what you’ve chosen because you need an understanding of what happened so you can heal. You can also choose to let all that go and start where you are. Either way the time will be the same because in the universe flow as you said yesterday, there is no time! There’s no shame in needing an understanding of the trauma and how it affected you. Infected you. I needed to tell you that you were set on this course by that person at an age you didn’t know how to manage it, handle it, it’s like, picking up a wobbling toddler headed to home which she can see familiar faces and turning her around to the forest. She survives by wondering, barely escaping danger, growing up, forgetting the memories of home until reminded in her dreams and feelings in heart: I’m not suppose to be here. But here is familiar. I’ve learned alot here. But I don’t like here. And now you are grown and you are going home. Home… Where you were going in the first place. You just had a moment of hysteria while crossing the river. It took you a little further than you wanted to go. Dry off. Have coffee. You still got your lessons. Go on. Flow ahead. More lessons on the way. Count this one as a lesson. Lessons can be used anyway you choose.

~Nikki

See my blog Zen Flow Universe to see the truth that was revealed that pushed me over the edge to hysteria.

 

 

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Zen Flow Universe

 

The Zen idea, description, principle that calls out to me the most is: Zen is being in the flow of the universe 🌌. How I wish to be in the flow of the universe.

There was a time in my life where not only did I not know what I was doing with my life but also how did I end up here? No where near where I desired to be. If only I knew where I was SUPPOSE to be going then I’d go there. I was lost and very confused.

I’m no longer lost but I’m still confused on just how to get into the flow of the universe. And then as I was typing this, I said to myself how did I get so far off course?

The answer came quickly for me. It even sadden me. My life was set off course by an authority figure that discouraged my hopes and dreams. They killed my fearlessness with self doubt. So I’ve spent 22 years far away from my destiny. And here I am trying to run back to start and set my FLOW with the universe. The journey out is easy as you spin out of control. Easy but damaging. It’s harder going back mentally and emotionally to start over. I’m pushing against the negative.

I believe I’m on my way to get into that jet stream that will line me up with the flow of the universe for my life. Though it be very challenging, I accept. I accept because in the flow time warps and you’re right where you were intended to be and age doesn’t matter to the universe. Time doesn’t matter to the universe.

~Nikki

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#AtoZChallenge

Yielding to the Fruit of the Spirit

There’s a green light to being mean, nasty, doing evil and speaking ill in this world. We don’t have to ponder whether to snap back or plot revenge. We enjoy it in this world. It makes us feel good about ourselves and causes and powerful. It’s like drinking poison and saying ahhhh now that was refreshing! We disregard the harm of others and only think about what we did when the consequences, karma or the law catches up with us.
I’d like to throw flowers in the air tell you what the world needs now is love sweet love and that may be true but first the world needs a swift kick in the behind and a lesson on humanity. THEN we may place crowns of flowers on our heads and sway side to side or hold up a candles for a visual.
Instead taking the highway of hate one can learn by practicing… Key word practicing Yielding to the Fruit of the Spirit. Isn’t that a “Christian” principle? Um, I never knew Spirit to be associated with only the Christian religion. I’d think it applies to anyone who has a spirit. Anyways dot dot dot (…)
Yielding to love, kindness, peace, patience, forbearance, joy, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control can only help us all become better human beings. Yielding requires a slowing down to access on coming traffic to make a decision whether it’s clear for you to proceed or of you need to STOP and wait for an open space to keep going. Or you could just plow right into traffic, hurt others and yourself and receive a ticket. Yeah… That’s what we do when we don’t yield to the fruit of the spirit. We hurt others and ourselves and receive a big fat ticket from the UNIVERSE signed by Officer Karma. Slow down and have a good day… Hands you the ticket.
-Nikki

 

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