Dangerously in Love. The “FINALLY”. Pt. 3

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Approaching the victim or showing up in places when the victim didn’t want them to be there; making unwanted telephone calls; leaving the victim unwanted messages (text or voice); and watching or following the victim from a distance, or spying on the victim with a listening device, camera, or global positioning system were the most commonly reported stalker tactics by both female and male victims of stalking. [Matthew J. Breiding et al., “Prevalence and Characteristics of Sexual Violence, Stalking, and Intimate Partner Violence Victimization – National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey, United States, 2011”, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention Morbidity and Morality Weekly Report, Vol. 63, No. 8 (2014)]

If you need CONSTANT contact to make sure he is not with anyone else or where he says he is or If you CONSTANTLY show up at places she says she is to make sure she is “safe” or really where she says she is. If you drive by their home when you know they are at home and sit outside…looking for something…anything. Something is wrong with your thinking and behavior. Thinking controls behavior.

What is this? I call it stalking. You can be stalked in a relationship or marriage. Stalking is born out of irrational thinking, feelings, emotions, past traumas (abandonment, abuse), deep insecurities, a multitude of other things and result in what a person think is normal behavior. It’s not. It is an irrational thought that if I can control the person and environment I can control the outcome of them not leaving me. Setting people up to fail your litmus tests is not normal. Setting the person’s family, his or friends up to look like the bad guy in order to gain his or her attention is not normal either. And if this type of person is your mate you are in danger because they are dangerous. If you don’t think so, you too, are not being rational. Excusing this behavior as they love me so much or they are just overprotective is foolish mistake.

Stalkers often emphasize that they “love” their victims and occasionally say they stalk to keep others safe. For example, an abusive ex-husband might say he stalks his ex-wife to ensure she’s properly caring for their children. Psychologically, however, stalking is a crime of control.Apr 5, 2013 goodtherapy.org

I called this the FINALLY for a reason. The finality/finally of a person DANGEROUSLY in LOVE at a stalking stage and at a “I will kill myself or you, if you leave” stage is the height of this twisted relationship. It is the last resort to “keeping you as their’s” that no one else can have or play with. And I don’t mean in the form of being unfaithful. They really see you as an object and not as a person with feelings. It doesn’t matter that their behavior makes you uncomfortable or upset. In their minds friends, family and even your children pose an imagined threat to them and your union.

I want you to know this person is sick. You are not their psychologist. They need professional help.

Be safe. Be well. Be wise.

-Nikki

 

 

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Dangerously in Love Pt 2

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The state of being obsessed with SOMEONE or something. An idea or thought that CONTINUALLY preoccupies or intrudes on a person’s MIND.
“I love you” now tell me you love me too. Text: I love you every hour on the hour. Your mind is gone and it is NOT HEALTHY. This obsession with a person and love is not love it is an obsession with the idea of a person being perfect for you when they are either far from that or you fear losing them like you “think”  you lost the rest of them. You didn’t lose them you lost yourself. You must constantly be in contact even while you are on your job or they are on their job. You must be in contact with them when they are with their friends and family. If they don’t say anything or call you berate them with numerous texts and phone calls. God forbid they don’t respond or call. You damn near lose your mind. The truth is YOU HAVE ALREADY LOST YOUR MIND.
Your behavior is not ATTRACTIVE and it REPELS a person far away from you. They can’t wait to get away. It was cute at first until they realize it is DANGEROUS. A person that remains with you is either with you out of fear that you will do something to them or yourself, they feel sorry for you and they want to help you or they themselves feel the need to be wanted in such an unhealthy manner because of their own issues.
Obsession is a sign that you need help. You need professional help. You need divine intervention. You are a runaway train with no breaks headed for self destruction damaging not only yourself but everything in your path. This is not love. Obsession is the bridge to violence against yourself and others. When the object of your obsession no longer wants you…then what?
#DangerouslyInLove #DangerouslyDestructive

Trying to Lose that “Loving Feeling”

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Saturday Morning Musing:

I don’t know about you but, when I was younger, I was so in love with love. I had no reservations about love and I am not talking about the fairy tale version. I am saying before the destructive behavior of others and some poor choices (you live and you learn! many times wisdom comes by experiences…good and bad), love was not tainted. It was not some murky substance but pure because of the Divine (and well really love still is pure but, people are not always).

Well, I still get this “lovey dovey” feeling if you will that I use to love having but, I have found myself being UNCOMFORTABLE with it over the years. It can be quite frightening sometimes. So this morning I was sipping my coffee and looking out the window when I said “Ugh, God, this lovey dovey mushy gushy feeling! Why me Lord?! Why do I get this feeling!!” ( I was very dramatic #OscarNominated). And there was no mistaken when I heard the voice of God or Morgan Freeman playing God say: “Don’t worry about getting that lovey dovey feeling. It means you still have HOPE in that type of LOVE. It means you still have “that” type of LOVE in your HEART. It means all of that pain hasn’t killed “that” type of LOVE. I put that LOVE in you. Now, when you resist that lovey dovey feeling it is you who will kill it. Only you can kill it. No one else and nothing else. It is the choice you make to bury it. Worry when you don’t feel it. When you are not moved by couples and wedding photos and wonderful marriages.”

I guess God told me! I sipped my coffee and changed my tone: “Oh my Dear Divine, I sure do thank you for this lovey dovey feeling! I am keeping HOPE ALIVE!” I am sure God smiled at me as I would smile at my silly child and shake my head. #DO OVER

This is NOT Quality Time.

 

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If I asked you what was more important than your children you would say nothing! If I asked you who or what comes before your children you would say no one and nothing! If I asked you if you spent time with your children you would say of course I do. I take them to the park, I take them to go get ice cream, I take them to the movies, I take them to their games and we have game night. I would say awesome but, are you there in body and in mind or are you there in body and half-“donkey” mentally? In other words are you engaging in every moment and soaking up every conversation or quietness (when they are tweens and teens)? Are you looking at their expressions? Gestures? Are you looking at the screen? Are you watching the game? Or are you looking at your phone or social media? Are you texting? Are you playing a game? Are you talking business or pleasure? Are you talking to your spouse or significant other?

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Hello. It’s me. I was wondering if you could get off the freaking phone and spend some time with me…

If you can’t fathom the idea of leaving your phone in the car or turning it off during game night or while you’re at the movies in fear you may miss a call or text or post…you have a serious problem. A serious and sad addiction to a device. A sick relationship with your phone.

Here is a bright idea. Why don’t you call everyone you think may call or text you and tell them you will be with your children for about two hours and you are turning the phone off for uninterrupted time to give your children some UNDIVIDED ATTENTION. Well, Nikki, I have aging parents or a very important business matter. Well…I strongly suggest you don’t go on any social media or set your phone to quiet time and only allow your business contact or parents to interrupt. Tell the person on the other end I got one minute then I will have to call you back because I am having quality time with my child and I can’t possible talk to you/watch them at the same time effectively. It bugs the hell (heck for the offended) out of me when children just want your focus, conversations, time and all eyes on them and you can’t because you are oblivious to them because you are so connected to your phone. Time with your children FIRST …girlfriends, boyfriends, friends, phone games, social media later. They would have not constantly ask you “Did you hear me?” or “Did you see that?” if you were PRESENT in MIND and BODY.

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RA and Consistent Exercise? New ‘tude Pt. 3

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The first thing I let go of was the definition in my head of consistent exercise meaning everyday and 30 minutes to an hour of exercise. It was the beginning of a breakthrough. Each time I didn’t exercise daily or didn’t make the 30 minute mark I was disappointed. In the chronic pain world I live in it may not happen every day and it certainly may not happen for 30 minutes. Consistency is any 3 days or more. Time is whatever my mind and body agree upon.

The second thing I did was stop assigning days, exact times i.e. at noon and what exercises I was going to do that day in stone or at all. I realize my body may not want to walk on Monday if I my hips have given me the blues all night or the soles of my feet are tender and swollen. My shoulder blades may be on fire and I can’t do butterflies with light hand weights (3lbs). Knowing in your head that your exercise days are flexible and interchangeable relieves you of the pressure to do what you said you were going do at 5:00 A.M. before you head to work or get the children ready if you took a painkiller at 1:00 A.M. it’s  not going to happen! And it’s okay. You can choose a different exercise. You don’t get to say well can’t walk oh well. You say can’t walk…let me do some hand exercises or upper body exercise…let me stretch. You can you tube and google hand exercises, feet and toe exercises, chair exercises, yoga for flare days. Give yourself options.

Next, I set a goal and then I set “realistic” goals. You see, in my heart I want to set a lofty goal and then when I fail at it I will be disappointed. So I set a lofty goal and then I set a realistic goal. I am going to do 100 butterflies because I think I am the old me but, then I say if that doesn’t work I will settle for 10. So when I do 10 or 12 I am happy! If shoulders start to hurt at 5 I am happy. I will do 5 more another day. See???? Win-win.

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The one thing I wish I could have done first was STOP COMPARING MYSELF WITH OTHER PEOPLE EXERCISING OR MY OLD SELF. However, I will tell you the truth: It is something I STILL from time to time. I will say I have learned to think “Wow, that’s awesome she or he is doing 10 miles. Great job!” and I keep going and taking my breaks as needed. I can be happy for others and I can be grateful my body is still giving me her very best under strenuous circumstances. I often thank my body after I am done or if I can’t finish I thank my body for trying. In therapy, I am learning to move on from the old Nikki and embrace the new reality of Nikki. I was fabulous doing 5 miles and I am fabulous doing 1 mile no matter how long it takes. Somethings in the past do not serve me in a positive way and reflecting on it does nothing for my new reality. I have many things I can still be grateful that are not physical. And so do you!

*We have flares and they can last a day or weeks or months. Do what you can and get the rest you need but, just keep going at your own pace.*

Be Jeweled

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On December 31st I had a dream in which I was shown I had access to all sorts of jewels. It was a hidden box of amazing pieces and stones. My first thoughts upon waking up were “Hidden Jewels”. I knew then “God, the Divine Creator of the Universe” was telling me that on the inside of me are jewels I didn’t know I had access to (or maybe forgotten because you know I believe I have been here before and perhaps they were collected in lifetimes…yeah I know I love me too). I went to the mailbox in the dream to get some mail and the person in the dream (a good friend of mines was dressed as the mailman) said “There is a box hidden in this box” and that is when I “opened” the hidden box and there were these amazingly unique jewels of all kinds and sizes. Some were loose pieces of gems and stones. Many others were fashioned into necklaces, earrings, and bracelets. It seemed as if I could never get to the bottom of this large long safe deposit box. It was long and deep.

So, I wanted to answer two questions for you. 1. How do I know if I have hidden jewels if no one tells me or I don’t have a dream or epiphany?  2. How do I access the hidden jewels?

  1. I am telling you NOW that you have hidden jewels on the inside of you. So now you know! (Pass it on)
  2. Open up. You access the hidden jewels by opening up to the possibilities and opportunities that come your way. You access the hidden jewels in meditation and prayer. You access the hidden jewels by staying connected to your Source and yourself (your heart). It’s that simple!!! It will come to you…sort of like a dream 🙂

So go forth, from here on out and “Be Jeweled”. Adorn yourself in your gifts and talents. It’s not showing off. Who puts on their jewelry and says “Oh…I hope no one notices my favorite necklace.” They are your gifts. Go forth and “Be Jeweled” with an open heart and mind as the keys to accessing all of your other hidden gifts and talents.

Love Nikki