Today I went to a funeral of a budding friendship. I say budding because it seems as if we were just getting started. A supporter in my novel adventures and an encourager. She gave the best hugs. She had a smile that lit up the room. As soon as I saw her or she walked into a room, I could be at ease knowing a friendly was among me.
I had yet to really cry until today. I got up, got ready, but all week I was thinking, “This is going to be hard. I will have to do a hard thing Saturday.” I really wanted to know “Why? But why?” were my first thoughts. Then I thought “This is so unfair.” This morning as I had my coffee, God spoke to me and I received confirmation at the funeral via the preacher. God said “Nicole, even if I were to explain it to you, you wouldn’t be able to receive it right now because you have deemed it unfair. Is there anything I could say to you that would make it fair? Of course not. And I understand that you feel it is unfair. It is okay to feel that way.” Now, let me pause, because the relationship I have with my God, may not be like yours. I always ask questions. I’ve been asking since I was a child. I am glad I have a Father that decided it was okay for us to “Come and reason together.” And sometimes that reasoning ends in a “You wouldn’t understand. Just trust me in this place that you are in.” And that place happen to be a place of feeling this death was unfair.I’ve had to trust God in a lot of places. Unfair, is not an unfamiliar place.
So, as God continued to speak, “Trust me in this feeling of “unfairness” and in time, we will talk about it. But, try to focus on how this can work for your good. Yes, how can this life that touched your life, work for your good. What purpose, does this death serve for your enlightenment.” I got dressed and I thought to myself, “I will try. I will try to focus.” After the funeral and confirmation that God was speaking to me, as I know he was, a few things happened when we were dismissed to proceed to the burial. I walked to the car in disbelief and then just like a lightbulb moment…”Life is too short for me to surround myself with people who don’t like me, love me, or care about me. It’s too short to subject my heart to negative vibes and energy. It’s too short to sacrifice my feelings just to see the few who are genuine. I will have to see them in different places and spaces where the love can flow without restriction. It is, what it is. What “it is” is freedom. What “it is” is peace. And that is what is “unfair”….to subject your heart to tainted environments. It’s no different than staying in a bad relationship. If folks don’t want you or like you, stay out of there face and space.”
And what I learned is that however unfair I feel about this death, I can see that this person was a light for me in rough territory. At that time, I sure did need all the light, all the smiling faces, all the conversation, all the good energy I could get just to “hang” for a while.